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Day 2 ... again

Old 11-07-2011, 02:18 PM
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Day 2 ... again

I'm not so sure my rock bottom is anywhere but the bottom of a grave. EVERY single bender is worse than the time before. The consquences are worse, the hangover (which I'm going to call withdrawals at this point) and the amount of work I miss, all of it... worse. All of my PTO goes to these binges, and every single time I say...

rock bottom... gotta stop.

I made my boss aware of the situation today, maybe the accountability will help. Unfortunately she just said, your PTO is yours to use as you see fit, just don't come to work drunk.

Then it all goes to pot after exactly 10-15 days... when I'm feeling really good about myself and my situation.

This is the most mind boggling ... situation/illness/condition I've ever faced. It literally blows my mind how the negative thoughts about drinking just "vanish" after a mere few weeks.

Heres to day 2.
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Old 11-07-2011, 02:25 PM
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Yeah, that sounds familiar. I haven't read any of your other posts, but are you using any kind of support, like AA, when you try to quit? I know personally I was never able to quit and stay stopped for any length of time on my own -- my short memory of how bad it can get kicks in and I was usually a little surprised every time I got the same (or worse) results by doing the same thing over and over again. It's bizarre. I'm a relatively bright individual otherwise, but when it comes to this disease, my reasoning abilities either go out the window or become the weapon that alcoholism uses against me. :: shrug ::

The only thing that I've found that helps is constantly talking to other alcoholics, daily reminders.

--Fenris.
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Old 11-07-2011, 02:27 PM
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Hang in there Programmer !!!!

I have worked in the Medical field for years, and know all about using up PTO time for hangovers/withdrawals ! I too was a binge drinker, and always had the same M.O. Once I started feeling really good, healthy, happy and confident.......BOOM ! It's good you recognize that about yourself now, and you can be on guard in the future.

Good luck.......I'm a fellow "binger" and we can do it. Thanks for posting and reminding me of why I finally sought sobriety.
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Old 11-07-2011, 02:31 PM
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I like to think of myself as at least somewhat intelligent... but what you said really hits home. That's the part that I absolutely can't figure out.

When I slam my hand in the car door, I don't feel the need to go test the water again every 10 days or so, but with alcohol... forget it. It's almost like whatever mechanism I have to say no... just shut off when I got in college and out on my own.

All of my friends got out of the drinking scene when they got out of school... at least they manage it much better than myself. They all know I have a problem and have all witnessed my idiocy firsthand.

Yes, I've been going to AA, but I haven't been working the program. I have to start doing something differently. I want so badly to believe in a higher power, but it's like it's just not within me. I feel like the only motivation I can have is to be a better person to those around me... especially my parents and my girlfriend who are supportive.

Blah just ranting at this point. Thanks for listening though.
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Old 11-07-2011, 02:52 PM
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I think it's obvious you need more than what you've been doing - what do you think you need to add Programmer?

D
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Old 11-07-2011, 02:58 PM
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I really don't know. I mean... I keep... crap idk I'm at a loss as to what would help.

I know what I haven't tried, and thats actually working the steps at AA. Maybe moving back in with my parents (gross) or moving in with my girlfriend who watches me like a hawk. I never drink when I'm with her, just when I am at home alone.
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Old 11-07-2011, 03:04 PM
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You know you need to stop drinking..you just need to find a solution.

Wish I had the answer. All I can say is keep using anything
that helps and it will come.

Wish I had found sobriety at a younger age. I missed so much of Life.
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Old 11-07-2011, 03:04 PM
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If you're an AAer then working the steps is certainly the way forward, I think

I'm not - but I'd have no problem in ascribing my higher power to the people here for example - this community has saved my butt more than once

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Old 11-07-2011, 04:14 PM
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I see what you mean. You want to quit when you feel bad, then you want to drink as soon as you feel better. You join AA then don't do the steps, and obviously don't have a sponsor. Now you are wanting to lay the responsibility off on others to "watch" you.

Now you are feeling I am about to get really preachy and judgmental right? Well you'd be wrong. At least for now you are getting better very quickly. We were all at the stage you are at now. On another thread the question was asked do we or have we ever drank in the morning.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-morning.html

You aren't drinking in the morning or at work according to what I can read. I also didn't drink at work, but sure had some in my morning coffees, for a few years before I retired again to drink fulltime morning noon and night at the end.

I decided to quit every morning for two years and made it with no scotch in my first coffee, and felt so good about my success decided I could have some in my next one and only that one and ease off with moderation. Having made that decision I felt so good I would decide to drink to day and make it skip scotch in two coffees the next morning.

See my tolerance was so high I had to drink to stand up and not fall down from shaking and dizziness. I was barely getting that nice buzz.

Did I ever depend on others to watch me? You bet! Nothing was working, I was gonna die, and I was so desperate I talked to my doc, arranged for in hospital detox because I was drinking at least 30 units of alcohol a day. I doubt I would have been able to withdraw successfully alive.

I declined rehab after detox after two days and then joined AA and here, and let all my friends and my family know I was going to be alright.

You see I HAD hit my bottom. Despite thinking I could go no lower many times before. I even knew I was going to die and that wasn't enough.

It was not until I decided that I would do whatever it took, add counseling AA SR family and friends, that I even had a chance. And I swore that once I detoxed, and it was out of my body, I would never drink again. Not even if I found a higher power saying that I was now granted the miracle of drinking normally. I would say thanks, but I already know what it feels like, and remember the million or so drinks I had, as well as the cigarettes I smoked, and I would prefer to stay a non drinker, and non smoker.

Don't worry you will hit the bottom that motivates you to actually do whatever it takes differently. Some day. NO amount of scare or preaching or knowing helped me. I couldn't get past a day, and would have given anything to get back the stage you are now. But unless i knew what I knew then, it would have just progressed again anyway.

Are you willing to do whatever it takes? What are you planning to do differently this time?

(BTW I am not even going into my degrees and certificates both in and out of IT, and my counseling experience. None of it applies when the smart person needs help. I now think of my drinking like thumb sucking or having a binky I could not put down. Seemed impossible at the time but I had to go through giving it up.)
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Old 11-07-2011, 05:09 PM
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Great advice, suggestions and experience rom the above posters. I can't add much just to say don't give up. AA and this forum are keeping me sober.

All the best
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Old 11-07-2011, 05:19 PM
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Good luck Programmer. Drink lots of water and remember it will get better. In my 30 year drinking career which has had periods of sobriety of 4 and 7 years, I have often drank again over the most flimsy of excuses. When I stayed sober it was because I found a mental state that would not even entertain the idea of drinking. God of my understanding helped. Or Good Orderly Direction if you prefer.
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Old 11-07-2011, 05:50 PM
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I think your signature has a lot to say to you...


"Heights by great men reached and kept, were not obtained by sudden flight, but they, while their companions slept, were toiling upward in the night"

I don't know what your answer might be, but I sure hope you can come up with something to help you stay sober before it kills you, in one way or another...

I used to think I was hopeless too, but since I'm coming up on two years sober - 700 days one at a time - it would seem I'm not hopeless after all. Please don't give up!
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Old 11-07-2011, 06:43 PM
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Programmer, I think you need to do something different to stay sober because what you are currently doing isn't working.

Moving in with your parents or with your girlfriend is not going to work. Those are essentially geographical cures. Moving doesn't get you sober because you still take "you" with you.

A program like AA, when you actually work the steps, helps you make changes in yourself so that you can stay sober, no matter where you live.
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Old 11-07-2011, 06:52 PM
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Thanks Itchy - Awesome !
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Old 11-08-2011, 02:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Itchy View Post
I see what you mean. You want to quit when you feel bad, then you want to drink as soon as you feel better. You join AA then don't do the steps, and obviously don't have a sponsor. Now you are wanting to lay the responsibility off on others to "watch" you.

Now you are feeling I am about to get really preachy and judgmental right? Well you'd be wrong. At least for now you are getting better very quickly. We were all at the stage you are at now. On another thread the question was asked do we or have we ever drank in the morning.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-morning.html

You aren't drinking in the morning or at work according to what I can read. I also didn't drink at work, but sure had some in my morning coffees, for a few years before I retired again to drink fulltime morning noon and night at the end.

I decided to quit every morning for two years and made it with no scotch in my first coffee, and felt so good about my success decided I could have some in my next one and only that one and ease off with moderation. Having made that decision I felt so good I would decide to drink to day and make it skip scotch in two coffees the next morning.

See my tolerance was so high I had to drink to stand up and not fall down from shaking and dizziness. I was barely getting that nice buzz.

Did I ever depend on others to watch me? You bet! Nothing was working, I was gonna die, and I was so desperate I talked to my doc, arranged for in hospital detox because I was drinking at least 30 units of alcohol a day. I doubt I would have been able to withdraw successfully alive.

I declined rehab after detox after two days and then joined AA and here, and let all my friends and my family know I was going to be alright.

You see I HAD hit my bottom. Despite thinking I could go no lower many times before. I even knew I was going to die and that wasn't enough.

It was not until I decided that I would do whatever it took, add counseling AA SR family and friends, that I even had a chance. And I swore that once I detoxed, and it was out of my body, I would never drink again. Not even if I found a higher power saying that I was now granted the miracle of drinking normally. I would say thanks, but I already know what it feels like, and remember the million or so drinks I had, as well as the cigarettes I smoked, and I would prefer to stay a non drinker, and non smoker.

Don't worry you will hit the bottom that motivates you to actually do whatever it takes differently. Some day. NO amount of scare or preaching or knowing helped me. I couldn't get past a day, and would have given anything to get back the stage you are now. But unless i knew what I knew then, it would have just progressed again anyway.

Are you willing to do whatever it takes? What are you planning to do differently this time?

(BTW I am not even going into my degrees and certificates both in and out of IT, and my counseling experience. None of it applies when the smart person needs help. I now think of my drinking like thumb sucking or having a binky I could not put down. Seemed impossible at the time but I had to go through giving it up.)
Good lord I agree with everything you said, especially the thumb sucking/binky statement. I've had my girlfriend tell me she was sick and tired of playing the part of my mother because alcohol makes me an incompetent fool. I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and suck it up.

I do have a sponsor now and will be going to AA again tonight. I had a conversation with so many people in my AA group that said they wished they would have been able to stop at my age. Some really terrible stories.

Heck, I was even wondering at one point if people would think I was crazy for claiming to know that I was an alcoholic and only 24. What an idiotic thought that was.

What's more, is that I KNOW I would become addicted to any drug that made me feel good too, the access just isn't there for me. Thanks for the advice everyone, and Itchy especially for the no bs response. I'll keep you guys updated.

For now I'm just going to continue AA, try working the steps with the help of my sponsor (who seems like a pretty cool guy) and maybe try to get a gym membership.
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Old 11-09-2011, 08:05 AM
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Well day 4 has started. Another day at a job that I'm lucky to still have. I'm going to try to be more grateful for the things I do have and try to acknowledge them.

Is talking to a doctor about depression and anxiety a good idea even if I tell them about my alcoholism. I guess I should just greatly research any possible medications they may prescribe me.
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Old 11-09-2011, 08:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Programmer27 View Post

Then it all goes to pot after exactly 10-15 days... when I'm feeling really good about myself and my situation.
Isn't it amazing?

At the heart of it I was 'done' with drinking alcoholically. But I didn't want to face a life without alcohol, either. I thought it sounded awful, tbh.
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Old 11-09-2011, 09:02 AM
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YW Programmer27!

24 is the perfect age to quit. I have read that personality becomes set at about age 27 and any major personality changes after that will only occur after great emotional disturbance. In other words according to some developmental and cognitive researchers you are still flexible enough to be able to develop a different personality and mindset than a dependent one, be that on alcohol, people, or both.

I never decided to become an alcoholic when I was your age, it was not a goal. I was in control and a normal drinker for half of my adult life. And successful in all aspects. Then I decided I was set and could relax my discipline and drink when I wanted, I could afford it! Regression to binky time!

Just remember this isn't a try, it is the end, and if you commit to never again, you will make it. Keep posting and keep manned up on this. Real men work as a team. You're learning to be a team player. Welcome to the team.
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Old 11-09-2011, 09:21 AM
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Programmer - I was at an AA meeting yesterday and the subject of finding a higher power came up. I too struggle with this issue, but a guy (who has been sober for years) there said something I found really interesting. He said he doesn't believe in God in the traditional sense, but claims AA as his higher power and that has made all the difference. That statement gave me alot to think about and I hope it makes you think too and maybe provides you with some comfort. Good luck!
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Old 11-09-2011, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by tellme1 View Post
Programmer - I was at an AA meeting yesterday and the subject of finding a higher power came up. I too struggle with this issue, but a guy (who has been sober for years) there said something I found really interesting. He said he doesn't believe in God in the traditional sense, but claims AA as his higher power and that has made all the difference. That statement gave me alot to think about and I hope it makes you think too and maybe provides you with some comfort. Good luck!
Man, I went through the whole thread to post this, and you beat me on the last post. I did the same thing too. I figured that two people have more power than one, and that a whole group of drunks who maintain sobriety day in and day out must have significant power. It worked in getting me through the hard first month or so. Once I got thorugh step five, I found myself opening up to other avenues to a higher power, but each journey has it;s own path. Your sobriety must be for you, no one else, and it should be a seperate entity that is superior to everything else in life, for if we don't put sobriety first, we must be prepared to lose everything.

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