Hey threshold.
I don't do "steps", but I do know about recovery.
Just an observation, a thought from your first post, regarding "faking it until you make it".
When you realize that the best actors are the ones who "believe" in their roles, it begins to make sense how this can work in recovery. Mouthing the words is something anybody can do, but you can usually tell if they are "bad actors".
I don't know what it will take for you to believe in THIS "role", but believing in it is what it takes. Depression and anxiety and other mental health issues are often chemically based (brain chemicals for sure, but also rebound "empty receptors" from drug and alcohol use), and you can't always rationalize your way out of those.
I haven't read all you posts, so I don't know if you've seen a doctor for depression. Certainly the "suicidal" part worries me. If you are on an SSRI, recognize that some of them actually increase suicidal ideation in some people. These are not feelings to take lightly, and I do NOT want to minimize them here.
Do the right thing and get a medical type person to examine these issues with you. You deserve to feel happy, and you can achieve that in recovery by various methods. Do the steps if they work for you, but don't neglect the medical part either.
FT