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Not using, but not recovering

Old 11-03-2011, 08:27 AM
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Not using, but not recovering

I am always hesitant to post anything that is less that glowingly positive, lest some newcomer read it and decide that getting clean isn't worth it. But there must be someone out there who feels the way I do sometimes, and maybe this thread will help them as well as myself.

I've been clean for six months. I am working the steps, I am being seen by a psychiatrist and am on medication for depression, bi-polar and anxiety (not narcotic). I am an insecure, crazy, suicidal mess. I am trying to fake it till I make it. But I am getting to a point where I am losing sight of why.

How long does one fake it?

I do get discouraged when I read of other people's pink clouds, spiritual awakenings, soul lifting, freedom experiences. There ARE other things going on in my life, contributing to hopelessness. I am in the negotiation stage of a divorce after 26 yrs of marriage and it's NOT going well. I am removed from my community, friends, pets, etc. My boyfriend is very self centered, and I think that relationship needs to end.

Still...I am taking the suggestion of hanging in there till the miracle happens. I don't have serious cravings to use but the desire to escape is pretty overwhelming.

I mean, I know that I have to trust the process etc, but I've been in recovery more than two years. I've been clean this time for six months. I am on step six. I take this seriously and put time and effort into it. I am scared. I know I need to live more than clean. I need to live recovered.
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Old 11-03-2011, 08:44 AM
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Threshold,
I was in the tail end of the divorce process when I got sober, and I know that can be a really rough deal in early sobriety.

This elusive, spiritual awakening thing, where does it come from? 'Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps'... is written in Step 12. Is there any practical reason for 'working' on Step 6? Are you willing to have these character defects removed? If so, say the 7th Step prayer and get busy making amends. I sponsor guys to do 6-7 an hour after we finish 5th Stepping. There is no need to be stuck where you are.
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Old 11-03-2011, 09:23 AM
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Hi, I can relate to how you feel. I have two months and before that seven months of not drinking. I am trying so hard to work on my recovery but my anger keeps rearing its ugly head. My husband is deciding to get a divorce and he has been nothing but nasty to me. He has always been quick to anger but now he has gotten worse. I can't talk to him rationally because he will rip me to shreds. I feel like I am going crazy and sometimes I do act like a lunatic. But I do know drinking will only make me worse. I think we need to focus on ourselves (which is so tough). I cannot control him or his emotions yet I still try to. I need to learn detachment from him. It just shocks me to the core the nasty things he has said to me. I have good days and bad days. The bad days seem worse now because I cannot sleep for more than 2 hours and that is so draining. But I know this shall pass and if I keep focusing and working on myself things well come together as long as I don't drink. For now I am off to AA and will try to share (sharing is really tough for me and I need to work on that).
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Old 11-03-2011, 02:01 PM
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I always think it's best to be honest Threshold

Sobriety did not solve all my problems - it solved a lot of them and I was undeniably better off and better equipped to deal with everything sober - but I still had some pretty big nasty life things to deal with in my first year.

Divorce is a traumatic event - for anyone, alcoholic or not. Being removed form community friends pets etc has to hurt too. You bf sounds like another problematic issue as well.

Maybe you need to cut yourself some slack here Threshold?

You're obviously dealing with a lot - and yet you still find time to post here to help others, and to work on yourself and your recovery - and you're still sober.

I think that's recovery right there... but I really hope things will get a little brighter for you soon - til then maybe lean on us a little?

D
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Old 11-03-2011, 04:26 PM
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I'm glad you posted, Threshold.

I did have a spiritual awakening, but not through AA. I was in very bad shape physically and emotionally when I stopped drinking, and I felt very hopeless, alone and lost. I knew instinctively that I had to find a purpose for getting up each day and moving forward. I began searching for books to help me find my way, and my spiritual awakening came as a result of reading "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav.

Going through a divorce, especially after a long marriage has to be very hard. Is there some way that you can move back to your community, pets and friends? It seems like that would be helpful at this time.

The other thing that was life-changing for me in early recovery was volunteer work. I set out, hoping that I could offer something to an organization, and was surprised to find that I received far more than I could give.
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Old 11-03-2011, 04:34 PM
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Threshold, I'd be feeling just the same way. It took me awhile to feel satisfied with being sober - probably alot longer than most.

I missed my escape when times were rough, but I had to keep reminding myself getting numb doesn't really help or resolve anything. We're just masking our feelings. The same old problems are still there when we sober up, and we've added getting drunk to the list of troubles & things to feel guilty about. You don't need that.

I'm glad you told us about your anxiety - maybe that helped a little. We're here to help you through these times - no need to pretend everything's wonderful. One day, I hope it will be though.
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Old 11-03-2011, 07:07 PM
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Since I'm a newbie I have no advice. But please don't be afraid to post what's honestly going on with you. It helps me to hear the truth. ((hugs))
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Old 11-03-2011, 07:13 PM
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Originally Posted by keithj View Post
Is there any practical reason for 'working' on Step 6? Are you willing to have these character defects removed? If so, say the 7th Step prayer and get busy making amends. I sponsor guys to do 6-7 an hour after we finish 5th Stepping. There is no need to be stuck where you are.
Good and valid points. I don't KNOW if there is a practical reason to work this step. This is as far as I've gotten, and I was told to do a thorough job on all the steps, not gloss over. I don't feel as if I am entirely ready. I don't know why exactly but I am being as honest as I know how. Maybe right now, with so much change and upset in my life, the idea of turning it all over and be ready to give up even more is just overwhelming.

I've already lost so many of the things that once helped me define myself, now what? I am afraid of what more might be taken away. I feel like I am such a horrid person, if the defects are taken away, there might be nothing left.
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Old 11-03-2011, 07:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I was in very bad shape physically and emotionally when I stopped drinking, and I felt very hopeless, alone and lost. I knew instinctively that I had to find a purpose for getting up each day and moving forward.
That is my biggest issue right now, I need a reason to go on. Not so much in recovery, as in life. I go through the motions, hoping that something will "take".

Thanks for being here for me.
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Old 11-03-2011, 07:20 PM
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The truth is you're not a horrid person tho - anyone who follows your posts knows that .

I know the fear of losing yourself but I didn't lose myself in recovery - I found myself again.
I wouldn't gild the lily about something like that

I can only speak in general terms, not being a Stepper, but I can't see that improving ourselves, and removing the things that keep us down, could ever be a bad thing

D
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Old 11-03-2011, 07:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Hevyn View Post

I missed my escape when times were rough, but I had to keep reminding myself getting numb doesn't really help or resolve anything. We're just masking our feelings.
.
Depression is not new to me. But this part of your post stuck out for me. I am not using those substances and processes that I used in the past to numb me when I felt overwhelmed, but depression is a numbing. So I am not consciously using, but it's as if my subconscious is finding a way to tune out.

I am pushing through the motions though. Facing life's challenges and doing what must be done, even if I am like a dead woman walking.
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Old 11-03-2011, 07:36 PM
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I really appreciate all the support and thoughts being shared here.

I think what is happening to me right now is beyond the scope of recovery and probably not appropriate to hash out on these boards.

Of course recovery plays into it, and no matter what I must keep up with that.

Last edited by Threshold; 11-03-2011 at 07:37 PM. Reason: spelling error
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Old 11-03-2011, 09:13 PM
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I know what you mean.

Much of your post makes sense to me. I'm not suicidal any more, but there is a certain dull lifeless nature to my life on occasion. I'm sure that if I were going through the same situation you are with the divorce and the relationship issues that I would probably feel even worse.

The thing that I have to remember is where I came from, what I was like and how desperate and dead I was seven months ago. Even though life isn't great, it is much improved.

If you were to put this into recovery terms, you could say that alcohol was your solution, the one thing that could make your life somewhat "manageable", at least temporarily. Now the alcohol is gone, but you still have an unmanageable life. I get it. I think it does relate to recovery because it's something you have to address. My personal opinion is if you don't keep fighting for that -- whatever it is, spiritual awakening, peace of mind or whatever -- if you give up the fight for that then you give up the battle for your recovery and eventually you will drink again.

Maybe I'm just feeling melodramatic, but that's how I feel tonight.

I think for me, the thing that keeps driving me forward now is the fact that I know that this exists for other people. I know that others (addicts or not) do live healthy, fulfilling lives full of meaning and purpose and spirituality. If I died tomorrow I don't think I would regret fighting for that even if I didn't achieve it.

Anyways I'm rambling on, and maybe that's not exactly what you're driving at, but I would keep talking about it because I do think it relates to your recovery.
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Old 11-04-2011, 04:24 AM
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I loved your ramble Joshua,

Threshold, I hate that feeling of flatness, numbness but I would not swap it for a drink, who am I kidding maybe I would.
Perhaps it takes more time I don't know . I just want to say hang in there.
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Old 11-04-2011, 04:40 AM
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Thumbs up

Originally Posted by Threshold View Post
I am always hesitant to post anything that is less that glowingly positive, lest some newcomer read it and decide that getting clean isn't worth it. But there must be someone out there who feels the way I do sometimes, and maybe this thread will help them as well as myself.

I've been clean for six months. I am working the steps, I am being seen by a psychiatrist and am on medication for depression, bi-polar and anxiety (not narcotic). I am an insecure, crazy, suicidal mess. I am trying to fake it till I make it. But I am getting to a point where I am losing sight of why.

How long does one fake it?

I do get discouraged when I read of other people's pink clouds, spiritual awakenings, soul lifting, freedom experiences. There ARE other things going on in my life, contributing to hopelessness. I am in the negotiation stage of a divorce after 26 yrs of marriage and it's NOT going well. I am removed from my community, friends, pets, etc. My boyfriend is very self centered, and I think that relationship needs to end.

Still...I am taking the suggestion of hanging in there till the miracle happens. I don't have serious cravings to use but the desire to escape is pretty overwhelming.

I mean, I know that I have to trust the process etc, but I've been in recovery more than two years. I've been clean this time for six months. I am on step six. I take this seriously and put time and effort into it. I am scared. I know I need to live more than clean. I need to live recovered.
i am currently on step 6 also Threshold.. i am going on 4 years and 10 months sober. i feel really good lately. i don't believe there is a "One Size Fits All" way to happy long lasting sobriety. i come from a VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL family and i have struggled with this God as i do NOT understand him/her/it thing. don't quit (give up trying) before you get there..
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Old 11-04-2011, 06:17 AM
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I think what your feeling is natural. who wouldn't after everything you have gone through. But i tell you this! you are an unsung hero who in the mist of such a tough situation is fighting this thing called addiction. I know that its hard to believe tomorrow can be better and its worth living. but ul never know till you try, take it one day at a time and thank God that you have gone through today without the alcohol. Sometimes we have to pick ourselves up and realize that life will not wait for us. You have accomplished so much, look at the positive and remember tomorrow is a new day
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Old 11-04-2011, 06:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Threshold View Post
I've already lost so many of the things that once helped me define myself, now what? I am afraid of what more might be taken away. I feel like I am such a horrid person, if the defects are taken away, there might be nothing left.
I was there, and I remember it well. Like keith sponsors, I was sponsored -- and I had already made a decision in step three to do whatever the process required of me.

Here's the good news: for everything I gave up about who I was, I've been rewarded with qualities and circumstances beyond my ability to dream them. I can't say what form your rewards will take -- only that they're waiting for you once you drop the rock.

Peace & Love,
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Old 11-04-2011, 08:04 AM
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What are you doing for step 6? Are you ready? You've done 3, what are you waiting on? I did 5, went gime, did 6 + 7... Stopping will make you crazy. There was a 75% success rate for the first 100 who took the steps rather quickly the first time.

If you're waiting, I'd ask sponsor if they worked the steps, how many times, and ask if they really know the history of AA. Listen to Charlie & Joe, Sandy B., Ray H or Clarence S on how it works/working the steps on speaker tapes.

The people who tell you to take the steps slowly really don't understand true aa & how it works. Do some research on Back to Basics!
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Old 11-04-2011, 08:09 AM
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gime means home

my opinion, not up for argument. I ceased fighting.....
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Old 11-04-2011, 08:15 AM
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Hey threshold.

I don't do "steps", but I do know about recovery.

Just an observation, a thought from your first post, regarding "faking it until you make it".

When you realize that the best actors are the ones who "believe" in their roles, it begins to make sense how this can work in recovery. Mouthing the words is something anybody can do, but you can usually tell if they are "bad actors".

I don't know what it will take for you to believe in THIS "role", but believing in it is what it takes. Depression and anxiety and other mental health issues are often chemically based (brain chemicals for sure, but also rebound "empty receptors" from drug and alcohol use), and you can't always rationalize your way out of those.

I haven't read all you posts, so I don't know if you've seen a doctor for depression. Certainly the "suicidal" part worries me. If you are on an SSRI, recognize that some of them actually increase suicidal ideation in some people. These are not feelings to take lightly, and I do NOT want to minimize them here.

Do the right thing and get a medical type person to examine these issues with you. You deserve to feel happy, and you can achieve that in recovery by various methods. Do the steps if they work for you, but don't neglect the medical part either.

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