Not using, but not recovering
I am always hesitant to post anything that is less that glowingly positive, lest some newcomer read it and decide that getting clean isn't worth it. But there must be someone out there who feels the way I do sometimes, and maybe this thread will help them as well as myself.
I've been clean for six months. I am working the steps, I am being seen by a psychiatrist and am on medication for depression, bi-polar and anxiety (not narcotic). I am an insecure, crazy, suicidal mess. I am trying to fake it till I make it. But I am getting to a point where I am losing sight of why.
How long does one fake it?
I do get discouraged when I read of other people's pink clouds, spiritual awakenings, soul lifting, freedom experiences. There ARE other things going on in my life, contributing to hopelessness. I am in the negotiation stage of a divorce after 26 yrs of marriage and it's NOT going well. I am removed from my community, friends, pets, etc. My boyfriend is very self centered, and I think that relationship needs to end.
Still...I am taking the suggestion of hanging in there till the miracle happens. I don't have serious cravings to use but the desire to escape is pretty overwhelming.
I mean, I know that I have to trust the process etc, but I've been in recovery more than two years. I've been clean this time for six months. I am on step six. I take this seriously and put time and effort into it. I am scared. I know I need to live more than clean. I need to live recovered.