:ghug3 I'm sorry that you're having a hard time.
I'm pretty new to sobriety (on Day 23 or 24 I think; haven't been counting - for me it works
) so I may not have the best advice for you. But - that said - I've been going through some of the same feelings that you are. I've been having the worst time getting motivated to do my work. I have been finding myself only being able to get done the "do or die" stuff in the last couple of weeks. Instead, I would spend hours on SR just reading and reading....and posting....
You're NOT ALONE feeling this way. It does get better.....
For me, this stage is finally starting to pass. Yesterday I actually found it easier to get some stuff done at work. And last weekend I actually exercised a little. Because of the way I've been feeling I've been extra kind to myself - just taking care of what absolutely had to be done - i.e., take care of the kids, pay the mortgage payment, "hard" deadline work items. Other than that I've let other stuff slide. We're eating super, super easy meals, the vacuuming and dusting can wait for a little while etc... I've been going to sleep early and eating all the sugar I want
Since your job is important to you (and it sounds like you like it and would like to keep it
) maybe you can "make yourself" accomplish what absolutely HAS to be done daily and a little extra on a future project in exchange for letting things go at night or letting yourself take it easy in the evening. It seemed like a game I was playing with myself (and I don't know that I'm explaining it well - may just be rambling) but it has helped me get through the last couple of weeks.
As far was wanting to drink etc... that is just your addictive voice. My AV was telling me all the same things that yours is now. I think my irritability is even my AV whispering to me: "see you deserve a drink", "you work better if you get to reward yourself with a drink". It is all a bunch of crap to get you to compromise and drink. DON'T FALL FOR IT!
Plan to reward yourself at night with something else - a good movie, ice cream, a new book or magazine, a good night sleep. Play forward to how you'll feel in the morning. Think and imagine in your mind the person you want to be - I do that a lot. I picture people I respect that don't drink and imagine what they would be doing ... Love to picture myself on the weekends and in the evenings - coming home from work, getting in comfy, warm clothes, putting on a fresh pot of coffee and talking to my kids about their day. Actually remembering going to bed - not passing out.
May sound hokey but it really works for me. I want that kind of life SO MUCH MORE than I want to be drunk, slurring my words, blacked out, breathing booze on my kids, ashamed and embarrassed.
Sorry...I'm rambling on, but your post really spoke to me. You can have a wonderful, sober life. It is yours to choose! These feelings you have will pass and be replaced with peace and happiness. You can do this!!!