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Struggling.. work, justifications and bad thoughts



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Struggling.. work, justifications and bad thoughts

Old 11-02-2011, 06:14 AM
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Struggling.. work, justifications and bad thoughts

Hi All,

So its day 10, and I'm feeling... off.

Yesterday I spent most of the day arguing with myself about my ability to now pick up a drink again and be able to handle it. Ultimately I won the argument, I know that if I do pick up a drink again, that it wont be my last, and I dont want to do that. But it's just so easy to justify it.

Went to bed last night feeling totally crappy to be honest, and for the first time in a very long time (since before my drinking in my teens) I had suicidal thoughts. Don't worry! I am not suicidal, it's difficult to explain really. I have no intention/desire to do it, it's more just thinking about it. Like if i think about a book or a movie, the thoughts simply run through my head, and I am powerless to do anything about it other than watch.

I then went onto think about this post I am writing now, literally writing it in my head over and over again, pondering the responses I may get and rewriting it, answering the posts ect. Odd i know but I think about that sort of s**t too. Eventually I guess my mind gave up and I finally went to sleep.

So it's today and i'm struggling to be honest, I cant really pinpoint what it is that I am struggling with, or why the feeling is so depressive. Depressive is really the wrong word too, and I can't think of the one that best describes it. I am sat here thinking, f**k it, I cannot be bothered with any of it, I cant be bothered with work and i just want to sit here and do... what? I have no idea, but thats how I feel and its s**t.

Had a meeting with my boss on skype this morning (who isn't really my boss, as i'm self employed, but he's the guy that pays me at the end of the month, or rather his boss's do, anyway). He's a great guy but he obviously is not happy with my lack of work, he has to feed back daily to his boss and has had to say 'I don't know whats happening for reason xyz'. You can guess the response from them 'Why the hell are we paying him then ect'.

I wish I could say that this is a big kick in the arse for me, I really cannot afford to lose this job (i have no over work coming in) not only that but I don't want to lose the job (i enjoy it) and I certainly don't want to let this guy down, we have been good friends for the last 6-7 years, and he was the one that got me the job in the first place. But well I can't say it is a kick up the arse, i know I need to do the work and hit this new deadline, but I really don't want to... or rather I do but I cant... All I could do was apologies for my lack of work and for forgetting todo's,

So we end up back on justifications, this last month or two my drinking got worse, But now my mind seems to want to push that under the rug and look back a little further. I functioned when i drank only X amount, really quite well, I got work done when it needed to be done and did it well. So my mind says 'your struggling Argent because you insist on doing this to yourself, tonight we will drink and tomorrow you can get back on the horse and get this s**t done! In fact! we have to do that, or else this job is going down the pan'.

Again I know that this is not the answer, not by far, but it sure doesn't stop me thinking it and knowing it sure doesn't help me get any work done.

I'm sure I haven't said everything I wanted to, but i forget half the stuff I think of these days.

Thanks for listening

AoS
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Old 11-02-2011, 07:01 AM
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:ghug3 I'm sorry that you're having a hard time.

I'm pretty new to sobriety (on Day 23 or 24 I think; haven't been counting - for me it works ) so I may not have the best advice for you. But - that said - I've been going through some of the same feelings that you are. I've been having the worst time getting motivated to do my work. I have been finding myself only being able to get done the "do or die" stuff in the last couple of weeks. Instead, I would spend hours on SR just reading and reading....and posting....

You're NOT ALONE feeling this way. It does get better.....

For me, this stage is finally starting to pass. Yesterday I actually found it easier to get some stuff done at work. And last weekend I actually exercised a little. Because of the way I've been feeling I've been extra kind to myself - just taking care of what absolutely had to be done - i.e., take care of the kids, pay the mortgage payment, "hard" deadline work items. Other than that I've let other stuff slide. We're eating super, super easy meals, the vacuuming and dusting can wait for a little while etc... I've been going to sleep early and eating all the sugar I want

Since your job is important to you (and it sounds like you like it and would like to keep it ) maybe you can "make yourself" accomplish what absolutely HAS to be done daily and a little extra on a future project in exchange for letting things go at night or letting yourself take it easy in the evening. It seemed like a game I was playing with myself (and I don't know that I'm explaining it well - may just be rambling) but it has helped me get through the last couple of weeks.

As far was wanting to drink etc... that is just your addictive voice. My AV was telling me all the same things that yours is now. I think my irritability is even my AV whispering to me: "see you deserve a drink", "you work better if you get to reward yourself with a drink". It is all a bunch of crap to get you to compromise and drink. DON'T FALL FOR IT!

Plan to reward yourself at night with something else - a good movie, ice cream, a new book or magazine, a good night sleep. Play forward to how you'll feel in the morning. Think and imagine in your mind the person you want to be - I do that a lot. I picture people I respect that don't drink and imagine what they would be doing ... Love to picture myself on the weekends and in the evenings - coming home from work, getting in comfy, warm clothes, putting on a fresh pot of coffee and talking to my kids about their day. Actually remembering going to bed - not passing out.

May sound hokey but it really works for me. I want that kind of life SO MUCH MORE than I want to be drunk, slurring my words, blacked out, breathing booze on my kids, ashamed and embarrassed.

Sorry...I'm rambling on, but your post really spoke to me. You can have a wonderful, sober life. It is yours to choose! These feelings you have will pass and be replaced with peace and happiness. You can do this!!!
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Old 11-02-2011, 07:59 AM
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It gets better, i promise. I had 7 months of sobriety then went back out for a few months and it was terrible! Now i have just 3 months. If you are in AA then i suggest getting a sponsor and working the 12 steps. Once you work the 12 steps, and if you do them fully and honestly, the book tells us that we will be restored to "sanity" meaning we can decifer the truth from the false. Then if we practice these steps everyday to the best of our ability there is no room for any mental obsession and the thought of the drink passes. This is a better way of life and a great design for living.

greatful to be sober today and in recovery!! 1 day a time my friend!!!!
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Old 11-02-2011, 08:03 AM
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The "do or die" stuff certainly resonates with me, I have a total feeling of boredom and although I have loads of stuff i'd like to do like learn my guitar better or write an iphone app, and I have all the resources and time to do these things I can start but I can't stick at anything for longer than a day.

I can make no rational explanation as to why I dont do the things i want to, I end up just downloading whole series of poor american TV series and watching them on loop.

I don't leave the house much,too much temptation, I make just enough money from Forex trading to pay the rent and bills and once the breadline has been crossed then can't even be bothered to do that anymore for the week. If it wasn't for my exercise routine (3x5k a week slow jogging) I think I would actually go insane.
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Old 11-02-2011, 08:12 AM
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I'm on day 10 myself, I get into arguments with myself from time to time but the other day I shut up my addictive personality when it said 'see you don't have the severe withdrawal symptoms you thought you would so have a drink it's ok' Then I intervened on behalf of myself and said 'well if that's the case then I should be fine if I never have one again' That shut me up lol
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Old 11-02-2011, 08:47 AM
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I'm sorry you're struggling too.

I was really baffled by what the disease of alcoholism did to my thinking. Normally, I am a person who jumps in and gets things done. I am not a procrastinator. But, when I was drinking, my addict voice convinced me of so many lies. Stay strong and try to recognize your addict voice when it's leading you down the wrong path.
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Old 11-02-2011, 09:32 AM
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Thanks for the replies everyone, they really do make me feel better.

I know it's my AV winding me up, he's a bit of a pr*ck to be honest And i'm pretty good and staving it off, it's the rest of the stuff that's really getting me down, which only helps AV dig in further. I WILL NOT drink to make myself feel better! hell! there he is again the little s**t, drinking WILL NOT make me feel better! it will just make me drunk and not care, which is worse!

I too have spent hours browsing these forums and in the chat room, its about the only thing i can be bothered to do, and it really has helped, so I am thankful to you lot for that I've tried ignoring these replies since I first posted, to get some work done. I managed to do some work, not much but some, then came here.

I know it will get better, but its still hard as hell.

AoS
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Old 11-02-2011, 01:09 PM
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I completely agree with the lack of work productivity. I am on day #9 and find myself devoting most of my time to reading posts on this site to help with my urges and desire to drink. I at times start thinking that I am trading one addiction (drinking) with another addiction (this site). But based on my own personal situation(s) this is a MUCH better addiction and each day I seem to be accomplishing more and more both personally and professionally. If it were not for this site I would not be on day #9 and I again sincerely thank everyone for their encouragement and support.
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