ArgentOfSilvae

Hi All,

So its day 10, and I'm feeling... off.

Yesterday I spent most of the day arguing with myself about my ability to now pick up a drink again and be able to handle it. Ultimately I won the argument, I know that if I do pick up a drink again, that it wont be my last, and I dont want to do that. But it's just so easy to justify it.

Went to bed last night feeling totally crappy to be honest, and for the first time in a very long time (since before my drinking in my teens) I had suicidal thoughts. Don't worry! I am not suicidal, it's difficult to explain really. I have no intention/desire to do it, it's more just thinking about it. Like if i think about a book or a movie, the thoughts simply run through my head, and I am powerless to do anything about it other than watch.

I then went onto think about this post I am writing now, literally writing it in my head over and over again, pondering the responses I may get and rewriting it, answering the posts ect. Odd i know but I think about that sort of s**t too. Eventually I guess my mind gave up and I finally went to sleep.

So it's today and i'm struggling to be honest, I cant really pinpoint what it is that I am struggling with, or why the feeling is so depressive. Depressive is really the wrong word too, and I can't think of the one that best describes it. I am sat here thinking, f**k it, I cannot be bothered with any of it, I cant be bothered with work and i just want to sit here and do... what? I have no idea, but thats how I feel and its s**t.

Had a meeting with my boss on skype this morning (who isn't really my boss, as i'm self employed, but he's the guy that pays me at the end of the month, or rather his boss's do, anyway). He's a great guy but he obviously is not happy with my lack of work, he has to feed back daily to his boss and has had to say 'I don't know whats happening for reason xyz'. You can guess the response from them 'Why the hell are we paying him then ect'.

I wish I could say that this is a big kick in the arse for me, I really cannot afford to lose this job (i have no over work coming in) not only that but I don't want to lose the job (i enjoy it) and I certainly don't want to let this guy down, we have been good friends for the last 6-7 years, and he was the one that got me the job in the first place. But well I can't say it is a kick up the arse, i know I need to do the work and hit this new deadline, but I really don't want to... or rather I do but I cant... All I could do was apologies for my lack of work and for forgetting todo's,

So we end up back on justifications, this last month or two my drinking got worse, But now my mind seems to want to push that under the rug and look back a little further. I functioned when i drank only X amount, really quite well, I got work done when it needed to be done and did it well. So my mind says 'your struggling Argent because you insist on doing this to yourself, tonight we will drink and tomorrow you can get back on the horse and get this s**t done! In fact! we have to do that, or else this job is going down the pan'.

Again I know that this is not the answer, not by far, but it sure doesn't stop me thinking it and knowing it sure doesn't help me get any work done.

I'm sure I haven't said everything I wanted to, but i forget half the stuff I think of these days.

Thanks for listening

AoS