Your story is so similar to mine it's scary. Please get yourself help, I ended up creating a blog and journalling everyday and coming here for support. Consider journalling. Not only does it help now but in the future when you look back to see how things truely were(something I'm not quite ready to do yet). These people will be there for you and supporting you without judgement whenever u need it. Please use them. You and your family will be in my prayers