Struggling with Intense Guilt over my Alcoholic Mom

Old 10-18-2011, 03:50 PM
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Unhappy Struggling with Intense Guilt over my Alcoholic Mom

Hi,

I'm new to this site and this is my first post. What's brought me here today is my struggle with the feelings of guilt that I have for not talking to my alcoholic mom. I haven't talked to her or seen her in over a year and it's tearing me up inside. I kinda always knew that my mom maybe drank too much or too often, but last summer I had to face the reality that my mom is an alcoholic. After not seeing her for a few months last summer (but we had talked over the phone a few times a week), I got a call from her that she wasn't feeling well and that she needed me to take her to the Emergency Room. When I showed up at her place, I was shocked to see the state that she was in - she could barely walk and she was shuffling her feet and she was shaking really bad. This was a result of her drinking. I could not believe how fast she had deteriorated in the couple of months that I did not see her. Long story short, she was in the hospital for a week as she was detoxing from the alcohol and she then had to go to a assisted nursing facility so that she could basically learn how to walk again and regain her strength and balance. While she was there, I talked with her about how she needed to get help and she agreed that she wanted that. My sister in law spent a lot of time looking into rehab programs and due to my mom not having a lot of $$, we presented her with a few options available through the county. We all came to the conclusion that she needed to go and live somewhere for 6 - 12 months and deal with her issues. My mom ended up declining the help that we offered her and she left the nursing facility and went home. I was so upset with her, because I felt that she lied to me by saying that she wanted help, and then declining it. I was also upset with her because during the time that she was in the hospital, I was in the midst of planning my wedding, which was in October of last year. I resent my mom for not being there for me when I was planning my wedding, which was supposed to be fun and exciting, which it wasn't because of my mom. My mom showed up to my wedding and looked completely dishoveled and I could tell that she had bee drinking. That was my last straw with my mom - after that, I stopped talking with her. My wedding was supposed to be something that I cherished for the rest of my life; it was supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life. Instead, it was filled with embarassment over my mom's appearance and anger and sadness over how she could show up at my wedding with alcohol in her system after everything that I had just gone through with her at the hospital, etc. Not a day has gone by that I don't feel guilty over the decision that I made to stop talking and seeing her. My mom doesn't have anyone but me. She lives alone and is extremely depressed - she doesn't go out at all. She just stays in her house by herself and doesn't do anything but drink. My mom has been leaving me voicemails on my phone recently, saying that she's just saying hi and wants to talk, but I can tell from her voice on those voicemails that she's been drinking. I don't know what to do. I know that I will never forgive myself if she ends up dying and I never talked to her again. But a part of me just can't seem to bring myself to the point of picking up the phone and dialing her #. I guess I thought that if I stopped all communication with my mom, she would hit even more of a rock bottom and that then she would truly want to get the help - but I don't think this is really the case. I don't know where to go from here, what to say to her if I do call her. Sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling and if my post doesn't make sense or is confusing. I have so many emotions jumbled up inside of me right now and thought that maybe writing something here would help.
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Old 10-18-2011, 04:12 PM
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mizo1010 welcome. We all draw the line with our alcoholic parents. Some completely cut off contact and others have limited contact. You have to find what makes sense for you. It's hard when they are elderly. You're fed up and then at the same time, how can you just let go, then society wonders why you are not taking care of your parent. My mom was the enabler and beater plus being a hypochondriac who lived to 97. Once when she was about 93 she was in the hospital for a week with no results. The nurse called me and yelled at me about not one of her six children visiting her and shame on me. Ugh. We made sure she lived in a nice place and had some services but we didn't play her games anymore.

You have to find your peace. Hopefully reading here and maybe attending some meetings will help you find it.
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Old 10-19-2011, 10:55 AM
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Mizo,

Welcome to you, glad you found us, there is lots of helpful information here and support from folks who have been through the same trials and tribulations.

You have to do what is best for you, you and only you!

Have you considered attending al-anon?

My mom has been an alcoholic over 40 years, she is self-absorbed and bull-headed, she does not care what anyone else thinks.

in the past I have felt so much hate and rage for how she treated her family and friends.

My father has set aside his own happiness to make sure she does not drink herself to death or kill someone else on the road, this makes me so sad for him and angry at her.

I have come to the point of indifference, I just hope she dies before my dad so he can have some happiness and also that no one else has to take care of her.

I used to feel guilty, I don't anymore, I know it is not my fault, I cannot fix it, I can only love her from a distance.

I hope you find some peace, this is a great place to talk with others, read their stories, and share the pain with poeple who really understand what you are going through.

Best of luck to you,

Bill
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Old 10-19-2011, 08:59 PM
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Thank you....

Kialua and Willybluedog,

Thank you for both of your replys...I'm truly grateful for taking the time to read my story and for responding. It's comforting to know that there are people out there who share a similar story and who understand how gut wrenching it is to have an alcoholic parent.

I have thought about going to Al-Anon... It's hard to take the first step. A part of me is scared to go because I think a part of me is still in denial over my mom being an alcoholic... If I go to Al-Anon, I will then have to truly face my reality and deal with all of my emotions.

May you both find happiness in the midst of your struggles.

Mizo1010
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Old 10-19-2011, 10:00 PM
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Mizo,

You don't have to admit anything to yourself or anyone else, just go, just take care of yourself.

You don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks, nothing matters except that you take care of you.

If you want to talk I will be there for you, you can send me a private message or just chat on the boards.

May god bless you and keep you,

Bill
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Old 10-20-2011, 06:13 AM
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Originally Posted by mizo1010 View Post
Kialua and Willybluedog,

Thank you for both of your replys...I'm truly grateful for taking the time to read my story and for responding. It's comforting to know that there are people out there who share a similar story and who understand how gut wrenching it is to have an alcoholic parent.

I have thought about going to Al-Anon... It's hard to take the first step. A part of me is scared to go because I think a part of me is still in denial over my mom being an alcoholic... If I go to Al-Anon, I will then have to truly face my reality and deal with all of my emotions.

May you both find happiness in the midst of your struggles.

Mizo1010
Definitely go! Al-Anon is all about you, not the alcoholic. Some Al-Anons even say "you're not supposed to label someone else an alcoholic," although I don't think that's the case -- if I want to describe someone as an alkie, I'm doing it whether I'm supposed to or not! But the program is not about figuring out ways to make someone give up booze -- it's about finding ways to "achieve contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."

For me, after I'd been going to meetings for awhile, I found that I didn't have to react to... whatever... anymore, and that I could deal with both "good" and "bad" behavior out of the person in question.

The other thing is, you don't have to say anything, at a meeting -- you can just sit and listen if you want. Or sit, listen, and read pamphlets!

T
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Old 10-21-2011, 07:25 PM
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Your story is so similar to mine it's scary. Please get yourself help, I ended up creating a blog and journalling everyday and coming here for support. Consider journalling. Not only does it help now but in the future when you look back to see how things truely were(something I'm not quite ready to do yet). These people will be there for you and supporting you without judgement whenever u need it. Please use them. You and your family will be in my prayers
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Old 10-23-2011, 05:21 AM
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I was the one that always was the problem..............so I was led to believe.
I'm an alcoholic/Tranx Addict.
I have attended AA for years and Now ACA.
I'm quite awhile sober now and I'm continually dealing with my deamons.
Most of them were Passed on to me by my Parents.
I did not know this at the time as I was an active alcoholic/tranx addict.
My Mom was a Tranx Addict my dad drank every day....but he did not think he had a problem with drink.............I did..........He needed it to relax.
Any way there Parenting had a devestating affect on my bros and sis'rs.
I had to admit this to myself so as to face what I needed to do.
I eventually got away from the Family home just as my dad retiered.
I would not have been able to stay long in the Family Home after the
father retiered.
I had so much anger towards him but I did not realise this at the time.
My Mom died while I was away......
I never grieved.......was at the Funeral......but no grief.

It was not till a few years later that I grieved.........my feelings come back to me..i cried for days...I loved he..but I could not really help her.....I was so sick myself.
Im sure God in his wisdom will sort things out........
My Parents were sick people and the did not know it.
They did not realise the Terrible Affect they had on me especially.
I have already lost a Brother and Sister to this Affliction....some call it a Disease.
So lack of Loving Emotional Expression has done its damage.
Thank HP/God ,Im Trying to ReParent Myself with Gentleness,Humour,Love and Respect.
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Old 10-23-2011, 06:20 AM
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My sick mom who physically, verbally and
emotionally abused me from my childhood
till i realized later on in life she cant hurt me
anymore, held lots of resentments towards
her and drank to numb those horrible feelings.

There is something about the abused wanting
to stay in touch with the abuser that it is really
sick. I tried so many times to reclaim some
sort of mother daughter relationship with her
and yet she continued to emotionally hurt me
due to her own sickness.

21 yrs in recovery I have had to sever, cut my
ties, relationship with her because it was not
healthy for my recovery.

Today she has been placed in my HP's hands
for care cause I no longer have a place for her
in my life nor heart. And it hurts to write that.

However today my life glows with joy, peace,
and freedom with out her as I continue on my
own journey in recovery.
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