Pigtails,
I really enjoyed reading your reply to my thread and your thread about resisting drinking. It's strange to me the parallels in behavior---that it's not the substance that matters, but the powerlessness. You wrote that you could take coke or leave it, but if it's there you'll do it. I feel no "pull" for alcohol at all. But hand me a bag of coke, and even if I've told myself the whole way home "you're not getting into it" thats exactly what I'll do. I'm not sure if I don't have the same problem with alcohol because I was a bartender for many years and got to watch alcoholics waste their after work hours with me instead of at home with their families or if I just don't get the same high from alcohol that you do.
What I am most impressed by is your ability to resist even in the face of repeated peer pressure and that your drug, unfortunately, just happens to be
legal. Because you have to be connected in the drug world (I dealt to support my habit: lots of bad karma to burn off this and next life--oh joy!) to have access to enough coke to really build your addiction. At least people aren't waiving in front of your face and there aren't adds glamorizing on tv! The idea that you have clients, coworkers, and friends pushing you to drink and you STILL resisted is a major victory. Pat yourself on the back!
Lately, the thing that has given me strength is that the person I love most in the world has emotionally cut herself off from me and is leaving to start a life without me. I have no one to blame but myself; i should have been emotionally available but i felt i couldnt help but get high. Ironically, now its right when I've decided to get clean, but I wonder: if she wasn't committed to leaving, would I be as committed to quitting? I've tried to stop so many times and I've promised and broken those promises so many times that my word has no substance. It
breaks my heart to know that my addiction has lost me the love of someone truly special. Somehow, the shame of it, and the fear that even now I would use is such a deterrent that I haven't even felt like letting the voice in my head get started into convincing me to use. I just say "shut up" and move on.
Anyway, my point is, I'm new to this forum, but it's a great place filled with people who have been where you are now, and can help you get out and stay out...if you really want it for you. You write so well, I can tell you're really smart----and your posts are enjoyable to read. Please keep coming back and posting. Your struggles help others get through theirs
