Day 7 & staying strong despite temptations
Day 7 & staying strong despite temptations
Yesterday I had my first real "tests" to sobriety, as in, opportunities to drink when I normally would have and wanted to but decided not to. In general I have been avoiding any bars/clubs/places I would normally drink, and this has been made easier by the fact that my boyfriend's DUI release stipulates that he's not to be in any bars. In the past one of the hardest things for me was changing my routine/ saying no to drinks when I'm at the normal places I would drink, but this time it's been relatively easy to avoid these sitautions out of necessity, until yesterday.
After work I met with a potential client at a bar and he tried to buy me a drink but I said I had to go for a run later (which was techincally a lie as I had already worked out over lunch, but not really because I had to run "later" as in today, ha ha). He applauded my "self-disclipine" but also kept trying to buy me a drink... it was hard to resist because the guy was difficult and I didn't want him as my client and I kept thinking of how much more bold I am when I'm tipsy. I think that's been a huge reason for me to drink... I am not comfortable with myself/my thoughts/how to express myself when I'm sober, but when I'm drinking it's so much easier to just blurt out what I want to say. As much as I wanted a drink, I realized I had to break this pattern and be more assertive when sober. So I ended up telling the guy I couldn't be of assistance to him but it took me a very long time because I am too nice and he kept pleading with me to find a way to help him when basically he is out of luck. (He also wanted me to help him for free, and one of the things I'm working on is not letting myself be taken advantage of, and I don't know what it's so hard for me to tell someone to just go take a hike, but it is.) Anyway, I made it through an over two-hour-long meeting without having anything to drink except diet soda. :-)
Then I met up with my friend and her husband and my boyfriend at a restaurant for a later dinner. I was super stressed and would normally want a drink. In fact I did want a drink but I told my boyfriend I wanted ice cream and a massage. :-) My friend ordered a beer, and her husband and I ordered hot tea and my boyfriend ordered water. She complained that she was the only one drinking and said she felt like an alcoholic, which is hilarious because she only had that one beer that she nursed all evening and didn't even finish. :-O I would have been scanning the restaurant anxiously waiting for the waitress to bring me my next beer, and I always thought it was a cardinal sin to leave perfectly good alcohol sitting in the glass to be thrown away! She asked me to have a beer with her or have some of hers but I politely declined and said I was leaving caloric room for ice cream for dessert.
So I made it through dinner without drinking as well, and it was actually quite nice. I laughed a lot and enjoyed the conversation. Afterwards my boyfriend and I went to the ice cream place and then finished watching a movie while we ate the ice cream at my apartment and then he gave me a great massage. I commented to him that ice cream probably isn't a great choice for stress relief but at least we didn't drink! I was really proud of myself for not having alcohol even when it was offered to me for free by an annoying potential client I had to uncomfortably turn down, and even when my friend wanted me to have some when we were out having a good time. What I've learned is that I'm stronger than I think, that I don't need alcohol to have a good time, and that it doesn't help in the long run when I'm having a bad time, even if it seems to at the time.
Thank you to everyone for your continued support. I will continue to update so I stay accountable. Here's to the last day of my week 1!
After work I met with a potential client at a bar and he tried to buy me a drink but I said I had to go for a run later (which was techincally a lie as I had already worked out over lunch, but not really because I had to run "later" as in today, ha ha). He applauded my "self-disclipine" but also kept trying to buy me a drink... it was hard to resist because the guy was difficult and I didn't want him as my client and I kept thinking of how much more bold I am when I'm tipsy. I think that's been a huge reason for me to drink... I am not comfortable with myself/my thoughts/how to express myself when I'm sober, but when I'm drinking it's so much easier to just blurt out what I want to say. As much as I wanted a drink, I realized I had to break this pattern and be more assertive when sober. So I ended up telling the guy I couldn't be of assistance to him but it took me a very long time because I am too nice and he kept pleading with me to find a way to help him when basically he is out of luck. (He also wanted me to help him for free, and one of the things I'm working on is not letting myself be taken advantage of, and I don't know what it's so hard for me to tell someone to just go take a hike, but it is.) Anyway, I made it through an over two-hour-long meeting without having anything to drink except diet soda. :-)
Then I met up with my friend and her husband and my boyfriend at a restaurant for a later dinner. I was super stressed and would normally want a drink. In fact I did want a drink but I told my boyfriend I wanted ice cream and a massage. :-) My friend ordered a beer, and her husband and I ordered hot tea and my boyfriend ordered water. She complained that she was the only one drinking and said she felt like an alcoholic, which is hilarious because she only had that one beer that she nursed all evening and didn't even finish. :-O I would have been scanning the restaurant anxiously waiting for the waitress to bring me my next beer, and I always thought it was a cardinal sin to leave perfectly good alcohol sitting in the glass to be thrown away! She asked me to have a beer with her or have some of hers but I politely declined and said I was leaving caloric room for ice cream for dessert.
So I made it through dinner without drinking as well, and it was actually quite nice. I laughed a lot and enjoyed the conversation. Afterwards my boyfriend and I went to the ice cream place and then finished watching a movie while we ate the ice cream at my apartment and then he gave me a great massage. I commented to him that ice cream probably isn't a great choice for stress relief but at least we didn't drink! I was really proud of myself for not having alcohol even when it was offered to me for free by an annoying potential client I had to uncomfortably turn down, and even when my friend wanted me to have some when we were out having a good time. What I've learned is that I'm stronger than I think, that I don't need alcohol to have a good time, and that it doesn't help in the long run when I'm having a bad time, even if it seems to at the time.
Thank you to everyone for your continued support. I will continue to update so I stay accountable. Here's to the last day of my week 1!
I remember those first glimpses of normal life. The trick is sticking with it! That depth of experience, the lightheartedness, the pride in your day, the development of your personality and coping skills... is only possible for me with the complete absence of alcohol. Never again. What a relief!!
Thank you everyone. :-)
Previously I always thought that I was temporarily abstaining and that eventually I would be able to drink "normally." My question to myself was always, when can I drink again? And I was never sure and would start back up only to encounter more negative issues and depression. ("This seems to be a good reason to drink." "I will just have a couple for this occassion.")
For the first time I am telling myself, "I'm just not going to drink. Ever. For whatever reason. And I will be just fine." I'm not going to lie, I occasionally think, well maybe in the distant future on my birthday or on some big event where I know I'll be safe and everyone else is drinking, I'll drink. But then, as my boyfriend reminded me when we were talking about it the other night, part of me will be living life waiting in anticipation for the next time I can drink! It's easier for me to just (usually) think I'm not going to drink ever, or to re-direct my thinking along those lines whenever I start to think of when I can drink again. Instead of looking at it as something I've been denied or want to do but can't, I try to remember all the bad repurcussions and ask myself why I would WANT to drink. And to focus on all the positive things that are happening because I'm not drinking. I DO need to face myself sober and address my issues or I will always stay stuck in this same rut.
Previously I always thought that I was temporarily abstaining and that eventually I would be able to drink "normally." My question to myself was always, when can I drink again? And I was never sure and would start back up only to encounter more negative issues and depression. ("This seems to be a good reason to drink." "I will just have a couple for this occassion.")
For the first time I am telling myself, "I'm just not going to drink. Ever. For whatever reason. And I will be just fine." I'm not going to lie, I occasionally think, well maybe in the distant future on my birthday or on some big event where I know I'll be safe and everyone else is drinking, I'll drink. But then, as my boyfriend reminded me when we were talking about it the other night, part of me will be living life waiting in anticipation for the next time I can drink! It's easier for me to just (usually) think I'm not going to drink ever, or to re-direct my thinking along those lines whenever I start to think of when I can drink again. Instead of looking at it as something I've been denied or want to do but can't, I try to remember all the bad repurcussions and ask myself why I would WANT to drink. And to focus on all the positive things that are happening because I'm not drinking. I DO need to face myself sober and address my issues or I will always stay stuck in this same rut.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: OHIO
Posts: 43
I think you should write a book!
Pigtails,
I really enjoyed reading your reply to my thread and your thread about resisting drinking. It's strange to me the parallels in behavior---that it's not the substance that matters, but the powerlessness. You wrote that you could take coke or leave it, but if it's there you'll do it. I feel no "pull" for alcohol at all. But hand me a bag of coke, and even if I've told myself the whole way home "you're not getting into it" thats exactly what I'll do. I'm not sure if I don't have the same problem with alcohol because I was a bartender for many years and got to watch alcoholics waste their after work hours with me instead of at home with their families or if I just don't get the same high from alcohol that you do.
What I am most impressed by is your ability to resist even in the face of repeated peer pressure and that your drug, unfortunately, just happens to be
legal. Because you have to be connected in the drug world (I dealt to support my habit: lots of bad karma to burn off this and next life--oh joy!) to have access to enough coke to really build your addiction. At least people aren't waiving in front of your face and there aren't adds glamorizing on tv! The idea that you have clients, coworkers, and friends pushing you to drink and you STILL resisted is a major victory. Pat yourself on the back!
Lately, the thing that has given me strength is that the person I love most in the world has emotionally cut herself off from me and is leaving to start a life without me. I have no one to blame but myself; i should have been emotionally available but i felt i couldnt help but get high. Ironically, now its right when I've decided to get clean, but I wonder: if she wasn't committed to leaving, would I be as committed to quitting? I've tried to stop so many times and I've promised and broken those promises so many times that my word has no substance. It
breaks my heart to know that my addiction has lost me the love of someone truly special. Somehow, the shame of it, and the fear that even now I would use is such a deterrent that I haven't even felt like letting the voice in my head get started into convincing me to use. I just say "shut up" and move on.
Anyway, my point is, I'm new to this forum, but it's a great place filled with people who have been where you are now, and can help you get out and stay out...if you really want it for you. You write so well, I can tell you're really smart----and your posts are enjoyable to read. Please keep coming back and posting. Your struggles help others get through theirs
I really enjoyed reading your reply to my thread and your thread about resisting drinking. It's strange to me the parallels in behavior---that it's not the substance that matters, but the powerlessness. You wrote that you could take coke or leave it, but if it's there you'll do it. I feel no "pull" for alcohol at all. But hand me a bag of coke, and even if I've told myself the whole way home "you're not getting into it" thats exactly what I'll do. I'm not sure if I don't have the same problem with alcohol because I was a bartender for many years and got to watch alcoholics waste their after work hours with me instead of at home with their families or if I just don't get the same high from alcohol that you do.
What I am most impressed by is your ability to resist even in the face of repeated peer pressure and that your drug, unfortunately, just happens to be
legal. Because you have to be connected in the drug world (I dealt to support my habit: lots of bad karma to burn off this and next life--oh joy!) to have access to enough coke to really build your addiction. At least people aren't waiving in front of your face and there aren't adds glamorizing on tv! The idea that you have clients, coworkers, and friends pushing you to drink and you STILL resisted is a major victory. Pat yourself on the back!
Lately, the thing that has given me strength is that the person I love most in the world has emotionally cut herself off from me and is leaving to start a life without me. I have no one to blame but myself; i should have been emotionally available but i felt i couldnt help but get high. Ironically, now its right when I've decided to get clean, but I wonder: if she wasn't committed to leaving, would I be as committed to quitting? I've tried to stop so many times and I've promised and broken those promises so many times that my word has no substance. It
breaks my heart to know that my addiction has lost me the love of someone truly special. Somehow, the shame of it, and the fear that even now I would use is such a deterrent that I haven't even felt like letting the voice in my head get started into convincing me to use. I just say "shut up" and move on.
Anyway, my point is, I'm new to this forum, but it's a great place filled with people who have been where you are now, and can help you get out and stay out...if you really want it for you. You write so well, I can tell you're really smart----and your posts are enjoyable to read. Please keep coming back and posting. Your struggles help others get through theirs
Instead of looking at it as something I've been denied or want to do but can't, I try to remember all the bad repurcussions and ask myself why I would WANT to drink. And to focus on all the positive things that are happening because I'm not drinking. I DO need to face myself sober and address my issues or I will always stay stuck in this same rut.
You know what I see? Your discipline as a runner helping you stick to your goals.
Pigtails,
I really enjoyed reading your reply to my thread and your thread about resisting drinking. It's strange to me the parallels in behavior---that it's not the substance that matters, but the powerlessness. You wrote that you could take coke or leave it, but if it's there you'll do it. I feel no "pull" for alcohol at all. But hand me a bag of coke, and even if I've told myself the whole way home "you're not getting into it" thats exactly what I'll do. I'm not sure if I don't have the same problem with alcohol because I was a bartender for many years and got to watch alcoholics waste their after work hours with me instead of at home with their families or if I just don't get the same high from alcohol that you do.
What I am most impressed by is your ability to resist even in the face of repeated peer pressure and that your drug, unfortunately, just happens to be
legal. Because you have to be connected in the drug world (I dealt to support my habit: lots of bad karma to burn off this and next life--oh joy!) to have access to enough coke to really build your addiction. At least people aren't waiving in front of your face and there aren't adds glamorizing on tv! The idea that you have clients, coworkers, and friends pushing you to drink and you STILL resisted is a major victory. Pat yourself on the back!
Lately, the thing that has given me strength is that the person I love most in the world has emotionally cut herself off from me and is leaving to start a life without me. I have no one to blame but myself; i should have been emotionally available but i felt i couldnt help but get high. Ironically, now its right when I've decided to get clean, but I wonder: if she wasn't committed to leaving, would I be as committed to quitting? I've tried to stop so many times and I've promised and broken those promises so many times that my word has no substance. It
breaks my heart to know that my addiction has lost me the love of someone truly special. Somehow, the shame of it, and the fear that even now I would use is such a deterrent that I haven't even felt like letting the voice in my head get started into convincing me to use. I just say "shut up" and move on.
Anyway, my point is, I'm new to this forum, but it's a great place filled with people who have been where you are now, and can help you get out and stay out...if you really want it for you. You write so well, I can tell you're really smart----and your posts are enjoyable to read. Please keep coming back and posting. Your struggles help others get through theirs
I really enjoyed reading your reply to my thread and your thread about resisting drinking. It's strange to me the parallels in behavior---that it's not the substance that matters, but the powerlessness. You wrote that you could take coke or leave it, but if it's there you'll do it. I feel no "pull" for alcohol at all. But hand me a bag of coke, and even if I've told myself the whole way home "you're not getting into it" thats exactly what I'll do. I'm not sure if I don't have the same problem with alcohol because I was a bartender for many years and got to watch alcoholics waste their after work hours with me instead of at home with their families or if I just don't get the same high from alcohol that you do.
What I am most impressed by is your ability to resist even in the face of repeated peer pressure and that your drug, unfortunately, just happens to be
legal. Because you have to be connected in the drug world (I dealt to support my habit: lots of bad karma to burn off this and next life--oh joy!) to have access to enough coke to really build your addiction. At least people aren't waiving in front of your face and there aren't adds glamorizing on tv! The idea that you have clients, coworkers, and friends pushing you to drink and you STILL resisted is a major victory. Pat yourself on the back!
Lately, the thing that has given me strength is that the person I love most in the world has emotionally cut herself off from me and is leaving to start a life without me. I have no one to blame but myself; i should have been emotionally available but i felt i couldnt help but get high. Ironically, now its right when I've decided to get clean, but I wonder: if she wasn't committed to leaving, would I be as committed to quitting? I've tried to stop so many times and I've promised and broken those promises so many times that my word has no substance. It
breaks my heart to know that my addiction has lost me the love of someone truly special. Somehow, the shame of it, and the fear that even now I would use is such a deterrent that I haven't even felt like letting the voice in my head get started into convincing me to use. I just say "shut up" and move on.
Anyway, my point is, I'm new to this forum, but it's a great place filled with people who have been where you are now, and can help you get out and stay out...if you really want it for you. You write so well, I can tell you're really smart----and your posts are enjoyable to read. Please keep coming back and posting. Your struggles help others get through theirs
You know, Jdkarlson, you're right about the access part of things. If someone handed me a bag of coke I wouldn't be able to resist it any easier than in the past I've been able to resist a drink that someone bought for me. So I guess what I meant in my post in your thread was that I didn't have the urge to go buy coke every day... or ecstasy which was my favorite, or pot which I would do if my friends were doing it but never really liked that much.... basically the point is that if it was there, I would do it, and yes I liked coke and would want it sometimes when out but there's a difference when you have to take the extra step of meeting up with someone to buy it, when it's so expensive, when you know the quantity is limited because of that... so yeah, if I was a rich celebrity and always had a bunch of coke available to me easily, I would probably be very addicted. To me the hard part is saying no when offered, and I don't have an off switch.
Thank you for the nice note. I love to write and I do write memoir but I haven't yet written much about alcoholism. Perhaps if I do it will be therapeutic. Thanks again for your kind words, support and encouragement. Stay strong and I will too. :-)
I hope so! Sadly I haven't been very discliplined to running or anything else in the past couple years as I drank myself silly. But now I have returned to discipline in running and in other areas of my life as well. Thanks Cardio. :-) And good luck to you as well.
Thanks, grateful. :-) I can't wait to get more sober time under my belt. So far things are going so much better, and I have a feeling they will just keep continuing to get better!
I think it's great you're being specifically accountable to yourself. Also good that you recognize specific things that you're not comfortable with in yourself while sober.
Most importantly that you did not drink! I know during the first few weeks, I would always tell myself, well it hasn't been that long since I drank anyway. It's not like I'd be throwing away any significant amount of time.... But that's just the part of the whole cycle I guess. Staying out of bars and old places where you used to drink is important also and it sounds like you're really making smart choices early on. Congrats on a week!
Most importantly that you did not drink! I know during the first few weeks, I would always tell myself, well it hasn't been that long since I drank anyway. It's not like I'd be throwing away any significant amount of time.... But that's just the part of the whole cycle I guess. Staying out of bars and old places where you used to drink is important also and it sounds like you're really making smart choices early on. Congrats on a week!
I think it's great you're being specifically accountable to yourself. Also good that you recognize specific things that you're not comfortable with in yourself while sober.
Most importantly that you did not drink! I know during the first few weeks, I would always tell myself, well it hasn't been that long since I drank anyway. It's not like I'd be throwing away any significant amount of time.... But that's just the part of the whole cycle I guess. Staying out of bars and old places where you used to drink is important also and it sounds like you're really making smart choices early on. Congrats on a week!
Most importantly that you did not drink! I know during the first few weeks, I would always tell myself, well it hasn't been that long since I drank anyway. It's not like I'd be throwing away any significant amount of time.... But that's just the part of the whole cycle I guess. Staying out of bars and old places where you used to drink is important also and it sounds like you're really making smart choices early on. Congrats on a week!
This morning I woke up and had a little chat with my boyfriend with a clear head and a positive outlook, which I NEVER would have been able to do if I was hungover. (I would have been so depressed!) Suddenly the rest of the picture came to me and I had a solution (albeit a temporary one) to my problem at work. Today I came to work and focused on addressing the issue while also working on other things I had to do for work, and I really don't know how I would have pulled it off if I was hungover. The difference in my attitude is amazing. And I keep thinking, how did I have time to just sit in a bar and drink?? Now when friends or acquaintances ask me to drink I say, no thanks, I have a bunch of things I need to do.
I was thinking yesterday about something really pathetic. I hung out with a lot of people just so I'd have an excuse to drink. There are very few people I actually feel close to and comfortable with, and with whom I enjoy good conversation and hanging out without drinking. Those are the people I should be spending my time with. The rest of the people, I would complain about, or feel around if I weren't drinking, but then I'd go drink with them. We helped keep each other stuck in misery. :-(
Thanks for the encouragement. :-) I am feeling great today, on my Day 8! About to go for a run with my boyfriend.
Edited to add- I wanted to clarify that this is not my first time trying not to drink. So even though I'm changing my routine early on, I had many attempts where I didn't change my routine, and ended up drinking again. So this time I am trying to make a drastic overhaul, and I think that's the biggest difference, the reason it seems to be working more than other times. It also helps that I have a supportive boyfriend who loves me and wants to encourage me to be happy and healthy. I wanted to do this for myself, and AM doing it for myself, but it helps to have another motivation, which is the desire to have the best relationship possible and gratefulness for someone in my life who really cares about me.
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