mizo1010

Hi,

I'm new to this site and this is my first post. What's brought me here today is my struggle with the feelings of guilt that I have for not talking to my alcoholic mom. I haven't talked to her or seen her in over a year and it's tearing me up inside. I kinda always knew that my mom maybe drank too much or too often, but last summer I had to face the reality that my mom is an alcoholic. After not seeing her for a few months last summer (but we had talked over the phone a few times a week), I got a call from her that she wasn't feeling well and that she needed me to take her to the Emergency Room. When I showed up at her place, I was shocked to see the state that she was in - she could barely walk and she was shuffling her feet and she was shaking really bad. This was a result of her drinking. I could not believe how fast she had deteriorated in the couple of months that I did not see her. Long story short, she was in the hospital for a week as she was detoxing from the alcohol and she then had to go to a assisted nursing facility so that she could basically learn how to walk again and regain her strength and balance. While she was there, I talked with her about how she needed to get help and she agreed that she wanted that. My sister in law spent a lot of time looking into rehab programs and due to my mom not having a lot of $$, we presented her with a few options available through the county. We all came to the conclusion that she needed to go and live somewhere for 6 - 12 months and deal with her issues. My mom ended up declining the help that we offered her and she left the nursing facility and went home. I was so upset with her, because I felt that she lied to me by saying that she wanted help, and then declining it. I was also upset with her because during the time that she was in the hospital, I was in the midst of planning my wedding, which was in October of last year. I resent my mom for not being there for me when I was planning my wedding, which was supposed to be fun and exciting, which it wasn't because of my mom. My mom showed up to my wedding and looked completely dishoveled and I could tell that she had bee drinking. That was my last straw with my mom - after that, I stopped talking with her. My wedding was supposed to be something that I cherished for the rest of my life; it was supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life. Instead, it was filled with embarassment over my mom's appearance and anger and sadness over how she could show up at my wedding with alcohol in her system after everything that I had just gone through with her at the hospital, etc. Not a day has gone by that I don't feel guilty over the decision that I made to stop talking and seeing her. My mom doesn't have anyone but me. She lives alone and is extremely depressed - she doesn't go out at all. She just stays in her house by herself and doesn't do anything but drink. My mom has been leaving me voicemails on my phone recently, saying that she's just saying hi and wants to talk, but I can tell from her voice on those voicemails that she's been drinking. I don't know what to do. I know that I will never forgive myself if she ends up dying and I never talked to her again. But a part of me just can't seem to bring myself to the point of picking up the phone and dialing her #. I guess I thought that if I stopped all communication with my mom, she would hit even more of a rock bottom and that then she would truly want to get the help - but I don't think this is really the case. I don't know where to go from here, what to say to her if I do call her. Sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling and if my post doesn't make sense or is confusing. I have so many emotions jumbled up inside of me right now and thought that maybe writing something here would help.