Looks like you're seeing the reality of some things that you've been doing for a long time, and are slowly beginning to not rationalize what all of it means.
That's healthy.
It's pretty incredible how we can stay blind to something so constant over so many years. I don't know about you, but looking back it repulses me now how at the end I was only pretending to buy the lies I would tell myself.
'To thine own self be true.' To me that means I need to stop telling myself flimsy and transparent lies.