How can an addict and a co-dependent person get better together.
This is difficult but I do believe it can be done. The addict is a codependent's "drug". The active addict tries to keep the codependent active--because it allows them to continue to use. This is the synergistic relationship between codependent and addict. Each of them keeps the other active in their respective "issues".
I didn't have Naranon or Alanon when I separated from my AXH many years ago. I just stayed in the relationship until the pain of staying with him was greater than the pain of divorcing.
If two people are actively seeking recovery so that they can speak the same language and both are commintted to their OWN respective recovery programs, I do believe that it can work. AA and Alanon or NA and Naranon work the same steps and speak the same language but addressing the specifics of each of the respective issues (addiction and codependency). The programs teach us that we have to be responsible for ourselves FIRST.
When two people can bravely and honestly confront and deal with their own contribution to the problem, there is hope. But it isn't an easy road. Even a healthy and wonderful marriage (which I am blessed to have for the last 26 years) can be tough at times. Add the ingredients of two dysfunctional people together and the challenge is greater but not hopeless.
The biggest problem I have had with the addicts in my life is that I'm willing to do the work on ME but they aren't willing to do the work for themselves on THEM. I can't do their work for them. And they continue behaviors that attempt to move me back into dysfunction so that the "dance" can continue. I have to give them credit though.....they give me plenty of practice in putting my own recovery into action!
There's a saying around here. Work the program that you wish your loved one would work. It isn't getting my son (or his father--my XAH) sober but I am able to function in a more sane and serene manner each day. I am taking control of that which I have control of.....me.
You, your husband and your children will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke