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So torn and confused...thought I had my mind made up...

Old 10-15-2011, 09:29 PM
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So torn and confused...thought I had my mind made up...

I had my mind made up that my AH had to leave the home after all I have discovered in the past month in a half and using this site for education, etc.... But Friday when he came back in town I called him to see what time I needed to pick him up and he started off with a lie that he wouldn't be in town for another hour or so, and then as we talked he all of a sudden broke down over the phone and said he was really already at his office and to please come get him because he was about to do something stupid.

I stayed on the phone with him until I got to his office to get him. He told me he had borrowed $30 from a co worker, and was trying to find pills, but as he was lieing to me over the phone he just felt like it was killing him inside and that is why he broke down. So I got to him and he gave me the money. No pills bought.

On the way home I informed him I had packed his stuff up because I didn't want him to walk into our bedroom and see his stuff in boxes and be shocked like that here at home in front of our boys. He had a complete melt down in our truck when I told him this. Cried like a baby, begged me to give him time. He said it felt his heart was being ripped apart. He said he felt like he had just been told that I had died in a car wreck or something. He said he has never felt so much pain.

We had a long talk this morning and I showed him my book, "Co Dependent No More" (which I am half way through) and showed him how I am really in the "progressive" stage of co-dependency, and how all the characteristics matched me virtually dead on. Until today I hadn't really shared with him how much and how deeply his addiction has affected me. I normally just stuff and keep on moving because I have to be responsible our boys. I told him how I just can't do this and he has to get better, but I have to get better, too because I don't even know myself anymore.

He said to ask him anything and he would be completely honest and that he doesn't want to be this way, he doesn't know how it has gotten so bad. He had 56 days clean, but when he works out of town he goes with people who use just about anything, so it's very hard environment, and he said to please wait til next weekend and he will look into a program, meetings and that he doesn't want to live this way. He said physically, emotionally and spiritually he can't do it anymore. He said even the few pills he has been getting don't give him a "buzz." I asked him a few things and I believe he was completely honest. He even told me he talked to an ex girlfriend who he had unresolved feelings with 2 years ago for about 2 hours over the phone. They dated before us when he was 19-20 and had an abortion together, which has been a source of pain for him, too. We have been together 15 years now and married 14.

He asked me to wait til Sunday to talk to the boys if that is what I still wanted, but that he needs our support to do this. He said he knows that I don't owe him anything and he didn't see or understand how badly it was affecting me and he wants me and our family more than anything.

I just feel so lost now. Part of me knows that all he is saying is true, I know he doesn't want to be this way. It breaks my heart. I know it's the addiction and not him that is making him act this way, but part of me feels like if I don't stick to my consequence then he may do good for a few months and then we will be back here again. I am so scared, sad, defeated and brokenhearted. He hasn't had any pills since Thursday and he did make a good decision to be honest with me on Friday and not do what he has always done. He didn't get the pills and he was honest.

He even had one of his friends come over tonight to talk to him. This friend said he will help him pay for a program if he needs to go to a rehab because he knows he is "savable" and is a great person. He normally would've lied and hidden the truth from his friend.

So, now I just don't know if we should still go through with the separation, and sit the kids down and talk to them tomorrow, or give him the week to show me something. He has to go back out of town to work M-F again next week, so...I just don't know what on earth to do....
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:42 PM
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Aside from what HE needs....what do YOU need? It sounds like the source of your confusion is your codependent self wanting to put your needs aside to take care of HIM. All he has to do is cry a little and you are right back in the same drama.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:55 PM
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I understand. When I talked to him this a.m. I made it about me and what I need and what this addiction has done to me. Yesterday he was a complete mess and crying, but today he seemed to be actually sad and broken that he has hurt me so much and that he didn't really realize it.

I told him that I need to not live with him if he is using (which "technically" he isn't right now)

I told him that I need to not be in a relationship with someone who is going to lie to me (and he said to ask him anything, he will be honest, and upfront about anything, which he did)

I told him I can't live in this mess of checking on him and trying to "figure out" if he is lying or not, and I read him some of my journals entries (and he appeared to be sad about how this has affected me and said he wants me to be the strong person he knows I am and wants me well, too, and he said that he knows he has to get better and I have to, and after he asked for one week to show me he did go on to add that he will accept whatever I decide, and he knows I have given more than he deserves and I don't owe him anything)
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Old 10-16-2011, 05:35 AM
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Well, then perhaps you would be more comfortable in staying if you gave yourself a deadline. Write this down somewhere and say, "If the situation is not materially improved by December 31 (or whatever), then I will make plans to separate -- no excuses."

I did this when I was on the fence about leaving my marriage (H is not an addict or alcoholic--there were other issues). He asked me to give him 3 months and he would seek counseling and work hard at making the changes I needed to stay married. I decided I was willing to wait 3 more months. Nothing changed and I left. Nothing changed after I left either. So I was definitely more comfortable in my decision rather than being uneasy sitting on the fence or feeling guilty about leaving before giving it a fair shot.
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Old 10-16-2011, 05:41 AM
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I also struggled with similar concerns in the beginning of my marriage.

What helped me when I was in this kind of situation was when I listened to what he said but shifted to holding him accountable for what he said in terms of actions/behaviors. When he stopped being able to just "say" it and had to "do" it, it was healthier for me. It also helped me to make my ultimate decision.
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Old 10-16-2011, 07:59 AM
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O.k, I think I can at least give him one more week. He has kinda known that this has been 'coming down' but I think he thought I wouldn't follow through.

However, how can I get better as a co-dependent with him in the home?? How can I know if he is telling the truth if I am not questioning and checking??? Has this worked for anyone??? How can an addict and a co-dependent person get better together. He says we can do it, but I don't know how. How will I know if he is not taking pills. He is a master at lying and I think it's only because of God that I have been revealed so much recently. It's hard for me to tell if he is on pills or not. Thanks! I really need help
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Old 10-16-2011, 09:27 AM
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Seeking,

I don't have any answers but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm going through the exact same questions right now with my husband (the addict, though a different drug of choice). I also don't want to give up before giving it a fair shot - I was ready to separate as well, and my husband said almost the exact same things - that he doesn't want to live this way anymore and that he wants to get better.

How can an addict and a co-dependent person get better together? That's what I'm wondering. But the main thing I'm finding is that I have to work on me, and he has to work on him. I want it badly enough to do everything I can to get better, and I'm hoping that he is the same. I guess my strategy right now is step back, detach from the situation, and focus on the inside.

I've been going to naranon and have started thinking about and working on my codependency issues (though I have yet to pick up that book). I'm having a hard time separating boundaries and ultimatums, healthy help and unhealthy control, but I like what the poster above said - that if things have not materially changed by a certain date, then I'll separate, for me and nobody else, because that may ultimately be what *I* need to get better.

I wish you and your husband all the best. It sounds like he's taking some positive steps towards recovery (going into a program, being honest, telling friends). Just remember to let him take the reins on his own recovery. That's something I have to remind myself of every day, every hour...

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Old 10-16-2011, 10:51 AM
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How can an addict and a co-dependent person get better together.
This is difficult but I do believe it can be done. The addict is a codependent's "drug". The active addict tries to keep the codependent active--because it allows them to continue to use. This is the synergistic relationship between codependent and addict. Each of them keeps the other active in their respective "issues".

I didn't have Naranon or Alanon when I separated from my AXH many years ago. I just stayed in the relationship until the pain of staying with him was greater than the pain of divorcing.

If two people are actively seeking recovery so that they can speak the same language and both are commintted to their OWN respective recovery programs, I do believe that it can work. AA and Alanon or NA and Naranon work the same steps and speak the same language but addressing the specifics of each of the respective issues (addiction and codependency). The programs teach us that we have to be responsible for ourselves FIRST.

When two people can bravely and honestly confront and deal with their own contribution to the problem, there is hope. But it isn't an easy road. Even a healthy and wonderful marriage (which I am blessed to have for the last 26 years) can be tough at times. Add the ingredients of two dysfunctional people together and the challenge is greater but not hopeless.

The biggest problem I have had with the addicts in my life is that I'm willing to do the work on ME but they aren't willing to do the work for themselves on THEM. I can't do their work for them. And they continue behaviors that attempt to move me back into dysfunction so that the "dance" can continue. I have to give them credit though.....they give me plenty of practice in putting my own recovery into action!

There's a saying around here. Work the program that you wish your loved one would work. It isn't getting my son (or his father--my XAH) sober but I am able to function in a more sane and serene manner each day. I am taking control of that which I have control of.....me.

You, your husband and your children will be in my prayers today.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 10-16-2011, 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by seekinganswrs View Post
However, how can I get better as a co-dependent with him in the home?? How can I know if he is telling the truth if I am not questioning and checking??? Has this worked for anyone??? How can an addict and a co-dependent person get better together. He says we can do it, but I don't know how. How will I know if he is not taking pills. He is a master at lying and I think it's only because of God that I have been revealed so much recently. It's hard for me to tell if he is on pills or not. Thanks! I really need help
Bottom line is I can't live with someone I can't trust. I will not have an addict in my home ever again, recovering or not.

If by some remote chance my AD seeks recovery, she's got to have two solid years of recovery under her belt before she's even allowed in my front door.

I made the mistake of taking her in after she served a lengthy sentence, and it took one month for her to turn my household upside down and suck my youngest daughter into her active disease.

That was my bottom with AD.
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Old 10-16-2011, 11:51 AM
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Thanks! i need all the advice I can get right now because I am in that co-dependent stage of "not being able to trust my decisions and feelings." I want to be fair, I want to do what is right. He already called the town he will be in tomorrow to find out about NA meetings and there is one about 2 miles from his hotel, so he says he will go to it tomorrow night. I know with all this recovery stuff it says "One day at a time" so I guess that is how I will try to live this week...this is so hard to know what is right.

He gets paid this Friday, so that will be a big test.

I also showed him some my posts here on Sober Recovery and he sat here and cried and said, "Is there somewhere like this for people like me?" So, I showed him the other topics and he registered himself, which all seems like good steps. He says he feels like he is waking up from a nightmare except that it's our real life. Wondering if I should ask him to take a drug test when he comes back in town, or am I supposed to just expect him to do that on his own to try to show me???
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Old 10-16-2011, 11:57 AM
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"I've been going to naranon and have started thinking about and working on my codependency issues (though I have yet to pick up that book). I'm having a hard time separating boundaries and ultimatums, healthy help and unhealthy control," -Thunderwood

I do not know how to quote someone else's message, so sorry. Anyhow, I feel exactly the same as Thunderwood above, I feel like I need about 1 year's worth of recovery for myself to even be trying to deal with these decisions because I don't know what is helping and what is just being a caring wife, or what is trying to control. He is my husband after all. We have been married 14 years and regardless of where we are right now, it would be wonderful if it could be 'fixed.' I feel like I can't read Co Dependent NO More fast enough and I know I need to do the exercises, but even those feel a bit overwhelming.
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Old 10-16-2011, 03:05 PM
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Originally Posted by seekinganswrs View Post

However, how can I get better as a co-dependent with him in the home??


How can I know if he is telling the truth if I am not questioning and checking???

His actions will eventually betray him. The sounds coming from his mouth are just noise.

How can an addict and a co-dependent person get better together. He says we can do it, but I don't know how.

He's been saying a lot of things for a long time.

The only person you control is yourself. Recovery is a one man show
.


How will I know if he is not taking pills. He is a master at lying and I think it's only because of God that I have been revealed so much recently. It's hard for me to tell if he is on pills or not.
Trust has been broken. Addiction is progressive. Eventually it will betray itself. Accepting him as is/where is , is an option. So is the separation. It's that tween part when we still hang onto our hopeful fantasies, that's a killer.
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Old 10-16-2011, 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted by seekinganswrs View Post
However, how can I get better as a co-dependent with him in the home?? How can I know if he is telling the truth if I am not questioning and checking??? Has this worked for anyone??? How can an addict and a co-dependent person get better together. He says we can do it, but I don't know how. How will I know if he is not taking pills. He is a master at lying and I think it's only because of God that I have been revealed so much recently. It's hard for me to tell if he is on pills or not.
Hello. Welcome to this site, and my heart aches for you.

Some thoughts:

trust will be a mother to re-build. It CAN be done, but it's a long haul. His recurring propensity to be dishonest will likely rear its ugly head down the road.

you need to TRUST your instincts. it tells you things that your brain takes in very quickly and processes just as quickly....your cognitive self cannot do this this fast. this is what "gut feeling" is sometimes about.

for me i always had more clarity when "he" was not around. i could just think more clearly without the complication of the "drug" that was him.

is he living elsewhere for a time an option?

he is remorse-filled. i think that feeling so rotten, letting people you love down is a piece in the cycle: feel bad, use for relief, feel bad. rinse and repeat. what i'm saying, is that because he feels so horrible today does not mean real change is going to take place, or when. it also does not mean that his feelings of shame aren't real.

best to you dear.
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Old 10-17-2011, 07:56 AM
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Feel bad... use for relief... feel bad... use for relief... feel bad... use for relief....

I lived that way for many years. Don't be sucked into the lies and manipulation. Recovery is action not words. You are your children's only defense from the dysfunction of drug addiction.

Keep working on improving yourself. Let God handle the rest. You are not in control of the universe... or your husband's choices.
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Old 10-17-2011, 08:53 AM
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Thank you all so much. Last night at out Bible study, he shared with everyone what had happened. He has never done that. Only one other couple even knew he struggled in the area of addiction. He also contacted the town he will be at working for the next 5 days and spoke to an NA person about the meetings, and confirming which ones were happening, etc...I told him he has this week, but that (1) NA mtg is not acceptable to me, and he said he will show me with his actions. So, we will see. I didn't unpack his stuff and we did talk to the kids and let them know that we are dealing with "some issues" and we are going to try to work through them together, but we ultimately may have to separate for things to be better. I feel that way they are prepared if he does not follow through with what he says.

I expressed my concerns about him just "saying whatever" to not have to leave and he said he understood, but that he can't do this anymore and didn't realize how bad he was hurting me because the addiction has been #1. I want to be fair. I am almost done with my Co Dependent No More, and I am going to see if they have any meetings where I am. I hear there are meetings for that like AA and NA.

I am going to continue to work on me this week while he is out of town, and if he doesn't follow through with what he has told me then:

I will not tolerate living with someone who is actively lying to me and manipulating me. (whether he is using or not).
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Old 10-17-2011, 09:06 AM
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I will not tolerate living with someone who is actively lying to me and manipulating me. (whether he is using or not).
Excellent boundary.
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