Angry and Obsessed
I had the local cops come over to assess our home for burglary preventative measures. I filled a whole notebook page with things we needed to buy, do, and be aware of. I told them the whole story of my drug dealing/addicted 18 yr old. who we had recently taken to a detox center and immediately decided to move out and go back to his former lifestyle.
I have been to a lot of alanon meetings lately and will continue however...prior to his coming to live with us a year and a half ago...we had no problems with safety. We have now had to install an alarm and everytime I want to go outside I have to disarm the dang thing. I have been told not to enable him at all as he chose this life. He is 18 and an adult. The cop told me today if he comes over I am not to allow him to stay the night as this will rein-state his residency here and then he can stay for 30 days. I don't think my kid is smart enough To have a constable over here. But I asked what if he is hungry...the cool eyed cop looked at me and said...don't enable him. Tell him to go to the Salvation Army if he is hungry. I said... What if I just give him some fried chicken to go? The cop said...No...that is enabling. He chose to be a man and go out on his own leading a criminal life...you have to allow him to do that. No money...no nothing.
Everyone has been telling me this. And I am going to do it. I may lose my son but the truth is...I lost him while he was still living under my roof. He could have died right here...he had a pulse of 39 at the hospital last week that jumped to 80 and back down.
I am feeling so many feelings. Loss, anger, guilt, compassion, and of course obsession and worry.
But to be honest with you...at this point I hope he DOESN'T COME BACK! We gave him a good home, I cleaned his room, washed his clothes, made him sausages and eggs, gave him money, gave him rides...til i was worn out. What did he do for me? Nothing.
Now I am angry that I didn't see this coming. He has wrecked cars, taken the lap-top wothout asking and pawned it. Heck with it. My marriage is in a shambles because if I weaken down my husband says he is leaving...not because he doesn't love me...but to protect the hard earned stuff he has gleaned from working his a$$ off all his life. And he has continually provided for me and my son.
No more pity party for me. If my son wants help...great...I'll give him a list of phone numbers...through the door. I am sick and tired of this. I am not perfect nor did I ever claim to be...I tried to help my son...now I am going to protect myself and my husband.
Sorry he has a disease. Right now I feel not a lick bad for him. He had a year and a half of free counselling, meetings, detox, home, food, rides, a motorcycle, a car, ME. Screw him.
I'm done.