Angry and Obsessed

Old 10-11-2011, 04:51 PM
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Angry and Obsessed

I had the local cops come over to assess our home for burglary preventative measures. I filled a whole notebook page with things we needed to buy, do, and be aware of. I told them the whole story of my drug dealing/addicted 18 yr old. who we had recently taken to a detox center and immediately decided to move out and go back to his former lifestyle.

I have been to a lot of alanon meetings lately and will continue however...prior to his coming to live with us a year and a half ago...we had no problems with safety. We have now had to install an alarm and everytime I want to go outside I have to disarm the dang thing. I have been told not to enable him at all as he chose this life. He is 18 and an adult. The cop told me today if he comes over I am not to allow him to stay the night as this will rein-state his residency here and then he can stay for 30 days. I don't think my kid is smart enough To have a constable over here. But I asked what if he is hungry...the cool eyed cop looked at me and said...don't enable him. Tell him to go to the Salvation Army if he is hungry. I said... What if I just give him some fried chicken to go? The cop said...No...that is enabling. He chose to be a man and go out on his own leading a criminal life...you have to allow him to do that. No money...no nothing.

Everyone has been telling me this. And I am going to do it. I may lose my son but the truth is...I lost him while he was still living under my roof. He could have died right here...he had a pulse of 39 at the hospital last week that jumped to 80 and back down.

I am feeling so many feelings. Loss, anger, guilt, compassion, and of course obsession and worry.

But to be honest with you...at this point I hope he DOESN'T COME BACK! We gave him a good home, I cleaned his room, washed his clothes, made him sausages and eggs, gave him money, gave him rides...til i was worn out. What did he do for me? Nothing.

Now I am angry that I didn't see this coming. He has wrecked cars, taken the lap-top wothout asking and pawned it. Heck with it. My marriage is in a shambles because if I weaken down my husband says he is leaving...not because he doesn't love me...but to protect the hard earned stuff he has gleaned from working his a$$ off all his life. And he has continually provided for me and my son.

No more pity party for me. If my son wants help...great...I'll give him a list of phone numbers...through the door. I am sick and tired of this. I am not perfect nor did I ever claim to be...I tried to help my son...now I am going to protect myself and my husband.

Sorry he has a disease. Right now I feel not a lick bad for him. He had a year and a half of free counselling, meetings, detox, home, food, rides, a motorcycle, a car, ME. Screw him.

I'm done.
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Old 10-11-2011, 05:10 PM
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Old 10-11-2011, 05:15 PM
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Well...my key is dropping out...letting go...and moving on...

I will not try to get him in touch with his feelings anymore...if he ever decides to do that....if he lives or is locked up...he can do it himself.

I am DONE.
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Old 10-11-2011, 10:20 PM
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Back when, I too went through the ordeal of having the Police in to advise how I can keep my husband and I and our stuff save from our daughter and her drug pals. I got the same instructions as you did.

I changed all the locks and had the blasted alarm system installed. We also installed interior motion detectors in case she/they decided to smash a window. That was cheaper than wiring each window.

While she was no longer welcome in my home, I never went completely no contact. I would run into her from time to time and bought her a sandwich from a take out place.We did not talk much cause there really was nothing to say.

Anger was not an issue with me. Just a profound saddness and eventually surrender. I am powerless over her and her choices.

She eventually got clean on her own timetable. All of her drug pals were either dead or in prison. Speculation on my part that she knew she was going to have to hit the streets without protection and do what a girl has to do to survive. Perhaps this was her bottom.

I finally cancelled the alarm service this year. The door still beeps when it's opened. I rather enjoy the sound. So does the dog. My daughter has no clue that the alarm is disabled because she will always be one lousy decision away from disaster. No different than I, as it relates to codependency.

As an aside, I had EMDR therapy. It is a rather goofy technique that is highly effective helping people disengage from trauma. And having a front row seat to your child's addiction is trauma. Maybe in time you might find this helpful, too.
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Old 10-11-2011, 10:27 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
B
As an aside, I had EMDR therapy. It is a rather goofy technique that is highly effective helping people disengage from trauma. And having a front row seat to your child's addiction is trauma. Maybe in time you might find this helpful, too.
My therapist uses EMDR, i It is goofy, but effective
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Old 10-12-2011, 12:23 AM
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Don't even give him a list of phone numbers. He can do that for himself.
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Old 10-13-2011, 08:24 PM
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" We gave him a good home, I cleaned his room, washed his clothes, made him sausages and eggs, gave him money, gave him rides...til i was worn out. What did he do for me? Nothing."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++
That indeed may be part of the problem.....he was spoiled.

Life is about give and take....if you always give, there are those who will always take.

Personally, I believe that you have come along way in a short amount of time, and are headed in the right direction. Keep moving forward.

My best...Dolly
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