Alaina,
What you wrote resonates with me and it's my sincere hope that I can find the peace you describe. I hate having to depend on something external, but I have no skills in dealing with emotions that arise and I prefer to stay comfortably numb. The problem is that I'm going to lose the most important person I've ever met. If I'm honest with myself I will admit that my fear of losing her (and fear of being alone) frightens me to control and hide my use. I don't drink because I can't figure out what people like about it---if you want to know high do coke! Anyway, I have deluded myself into thinking I could get away with small quantities and that my wife would see that as a compromise. She has been distant for many years, so much that I feel like I have a roommate instead of a wife. I don't know if the spark is gone for good, or whether it can be saved and rekindled. That's why I was so glad to read that you were so successful in IOP. This is embarrassing to say but I've always found meetings to be sooooo boring. I dread wasting my life being bored to death. I sit there feeling angry that I can't be high. Pisses me off. I feel if it doesn't work out with my wife instead of changing me, maybe I should find someone more open minded? Why should I have to waste my life sitting in those stupid meetings? There must be another way than being subjected to that....