Jdkarlson

Hello everyone,
My name is Jack and I'm new to this forum, but not new to drugs. I've been using drugs for so long, that I have figured out how to finance them and run a full-service remodeling company. I work 60 hrs a week and am aided in keeping those hours by injecting heroin in the morning and after work. I don't nod from heroin; I get energy and the ability to work through pain. It feels more like medicine to me. I don't feel depressed and can do often monotonous jobs with a smile. (It seems to me that the worst parts of drugs are actually them being illegal, and expensive.) My question is: if none of the standard "bottoms" occur to you (jail, overdose, financial ruin) how does one justify quitting? I suppose that there's always the possibility of those things occurring, but I'm not young and crazy anymore. I limit my dose, stay within certain functioning parameters, so much so, that no one outside of my family or dealer knows that I even use. Without my DOC, I feel so much less able to function. Since heroin causes no biological damage to the body in it's pure form, why can't a person be maintained on it, instead of suboxone? Is there such a thing as drug use, or is it always abuse? There's such a stigma against heroin that society can't see it as a medicine, only as a substance to be abused. Imagine If heroin were $5/gram? No stealing and no dealing with criminals. If it were pharmaceutical and not cut with filler, doses could be accurately judged without the usual "tester" shot.
I know that there are some people who cannot control there use, but the majority of their problems are caused by the illegality of the drug and having to become a criminal to support one's habit. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? I suppose all the crazy recovery types will jump all over me now and tell me I'm a POS and in denial. Isn't it possible that some us were born with a shortage of endorphins or dopamine and that using drugs enables us to feel at least as good as the perfect normal people who judge? Is there such a thing as a user not just abusers?

suki44883

I don't know what boards you've been visiting, but we do not call people names here, nor do we criticize another's recovery program.

That having been said, an addict is an addict, whether they are addicted to a legal substance, such as alcohol, or an illegal one, such as heroin. Many people go for years being able to control their use of either substance, but addiction is progressive. Not everyone hits a total rock bottom where they lose their job, family, home, etc., before they quit. I didn't and many who post here didn't either. However, there are many who started out as "high functioning" and used that as an excuse to continue because they felt they had everything under control. Before long, their addiction did cause problems and by that time, they were too far gone to quit without help.

Welcome to SR. Take some time to read the posts of others and the stickie posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of helpful information there.

Aegian

Hi JD and welcome to SR!

I assure you, no one here is going to call you a POS.

We have all been there - questioning why we should quit and listing off all of the benefits of our drug of choice.

I was a high functioning alcoholic for many years. Worked a high profile job throughout and no one I worked with or hung out with even knew I drank (as evidenced by the shock when I ended up in the ER for 5 days with onset liver failure). High functioning, home drinker who practiced private booze parties for one every night...

I quit when I started to realize the toll it was taking on my health, but wondered for years if I didn't have a problem. You are saying that there is no health consequence to smack, and noted concern solely with the legality of it - but for some reason you are here.

Have you asked yourself why, on a Sunday afternoon, you are looking for feedback on this?

LosingmyMisery

I was high functioning until I wasn't.

Jdkarlson

All of your posts make good points. I guess the number one reason I'm here is that my wife doesnt like my use. She has been pulling away for a long time since she says she doesn't want to suffer if I ever get arrested or accidentally die. I had an extremely dysfunctional childhood and the one things that I felt I could always count on, were the drugs. When I go without any drug, I don't feel in control of my emotions. It's weird, I don't have to get high, but there has to be some in my system for me to handle things. So, the number one reason I'm looking to quit is that it makes my wife unhappy. She has pulled away to an extent that I feel alone. Then I dose, and i don't care---I can stand the loneliness and deal with the guilt of letting her down. I am afraid I won't be able to quit---christ, I'm 40 and have been using something or other since I was 18! I've lived less sober time than using---that's sad. I wish I could be a normal person who didn't need anything extra, but I remember how depressed and suicidal I felt naturally. I'm afraid to stop and see what's chasing me emotionally. I'm afraid to not have psychic protection. Im not so deluded that I think I'm the special person who can indefinitely abuse these drugs. I probably have hepatitis, even though I've never shared needles, since I fix alone. Its either go on this way, lose my wife (which might happen regardless) or get help and try and dig out of the emotional hellhole. I probably have undiagnosed depression, so I need to look into anti-depressants.
I had my last dose of H on September 30. I tougher out being dope sick through the weekend til I couldn't stand it anymore and took 8mg of sub. Felt like crap for a week, but I'm living. The thing I hate is not having any motivation. I have so much to do at work, that I have to force myself to do what normally I don't even think about.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, but thanks for the replies....

Taking5

"High functioning" is a stage of addiction, not a type of addiction. Its all downhill from there.

suki44883

Glad you clarified your situation. Your second post doesn't sound as "in control" as your first one. So, you might be losing your wife if you don't stop, which means you have a decision to make. Have you considered rehab? Just trying to tough it out on your own is obviously not going to work since you've tried it and ended up using. If you truly want to quit, you have to be willing to do whatever is necessary. We're here to support you whichever way you choose to go.

least

But since heroin is illegal the possibility of a 'bad batch' is always there. What happens if you get some bad stuff? You could get really sick or die from it, no matter how much you 'stay within certain functioning parameters'. I think you're playing with fire and I certainly understand your wife wanting no part of it.

Aegian

Hi again,

Don't let your age deter you. I have been abusing since my late teens too and I am in my mid 40s now. Gave up the coke/X in college and the pot in my 30s. It was time to kick the alcohol, which I am doing now. It CAN be done.

Congrats on ~10 days off the needle - that is a great start!

Best wishes to you both.

spryte

Don't get caught up in the word, "addiction".

You're shooting / taking heroin in the morning and after work?

Something is off track...I don't know if you're an "addict" in the sense that some people view "addiction".

But something is off...you could do a lot better for yourself. And you are at a dangerous place where you might lose everything you've worked for.

I am not an "addict" in the accepted definition of that term, yet alcohol and drugs are slowly ruining me and by the time I figure it out, it will be too late. I have a good upbringing and I am smart and talented - I always get jobs and opportunities. Yet drugs, and lately, alcohol are the common theme in my life. They cut down my potential, and soon it will be too late. I won't be able to get it all back.

Don't let drugs whittle down your potential.

And heroin is especially dangerous - as they say - when you can quit, you don't want to, and when you want to quit, you can't.

Jdkarlson

Thanks to all for your opinions and input. I'm looking into IOP....curious to see what it's all about. Everyone on here seems to be happy to be free...I'm skeptical but open to new experience....

Taking5

JD,

We have lots of relapsers here too, just like in AA and rehab centers - I am one of them - but this is a great place. What are you skeptical about?

enlightment

Im glad you posted again, because now I hear a man in desperate need instead of a man defending his position....I use to think that I would DIE without my drink..yes, actually DIE...it kept me going..and I worked for the Government...think how they reacted when they found out...anyways..we all play the head games with ourselves and try to reason why we are not addicts..but its fair to say that if we are having those conversations with ourselves, and problems in our lives, there IS a need to stop...

eJoshua

In my experience, behind almost every "high functioning" addict lies a wake of highly dysfunctional relationships. We often think of ourselves as high functioning because we are functioning just fine from our perspective. Alcohol was the turn-key solution to my life, and it was functioning to an extent. Now that I'm in recovery I have found a better solution and my life is functioning better for me and everyone around me.

Welcome to SR! Best wishes to you in your self examination.

Lily

JD,

I too was high functioning, able to keep my job, stay out of jail, etc....however... I felt a major wall between my husband and I. (He didn't even know of my using) I didn't really want to be around him at all, cuz I wanted to use and get things done and accomplished! I was so productive, but I was so alone.

One thing I found out when I got clean over 10 months ago is life isn't about accomplishing things. Life is about relationships. Life is about giving of yourself to another, it isn't about gadgets, or stuff, but people and investing our lives in other.

My husband & I no longer have a wall between us. My relationship with my kids is no longer rushed and impatient, but deep and meaningful as I listen to them, and really love them.

My thoughts are no longer consumed with when and where I am gonna score next, my conscience is clear, my fear is gone, and I am no longer self absorbed.

Sweet Freedom..... a beautiful thing.

Lily

sugarbear1

Functioning, high or low, isn't the question.

Living clean, sober, and healthy is the answer.

Welcome to SR!

As long as what you're doing to yourself by self medicating, is your solution, you won't see the problem.

It doesn't mean the problem doesn't exist.

You are in a sober recovery site. What's your plan now??

Jdkarlson

Skeptical of Intensive Outpatient Therapy(IOP). I am skeptical that any counselor will be able to teach me anything that I don't already know about drugs. I have over twenty years of using and dealing---there isn't anything they're going to be able to teach me. I know all about triggers, meetings, and the sort. (my wife is an addiction counselor! I live with and know the process.) I know intellectually all about what I'm supposed to do, but that doesn't help me with my emotional attachment to the drug lifestyle. I have always been fascinated by the underworld of drugs and found most of the people I meet to be far more genuine than any middle class "straight/square". There's a stigma about addicts, but in my experience they are some of the hardest working, cleverest people I've ever
met. People talk about delusions, but most of the people I know are well aware that they are addicted. They may minimize the impact of their use, but I've yet to meet a hardcore heroin user that isn't acutely aware of their habit. That said, I feel that this is the last chance for me to save my marriage. I love my wife, but if I were to lose her, There is no reason to hold back. The thought of that frightens me since before I did heroin I would use lots of coke IV. I don't use it now because if there's any in my system my wife can tell. (I can mask heroin). I fear that the aluminum train will kill me if I were to go back to it. That's why although I'm skeptical that treatment can help me, I have to give it an honest chance and not belittle it because right now it appears to me so square and
annoying. We'll see what happens....

Jdkarlson

Lily, your post really got to me----that is exactly how I feel and the wall between my wife and myself is THICK and I hate it. I am so alone. I try and be the perfect spouse in making money, doing everything around the house, being "thoughtful", but there's a definite separation between my wife and I. I would love to be truly close to her, but I think it's too late. She says she shut off her true feelings a long time ago. She says the Reason I don't have good relations with my family is that everyone is prepped for me to die. She says she doesn't want to be hurt when I OD. I've noticed how distant she's been and thAts the reason I detoxed oct. 1st. Ironically, she tells me she woke up October 3 and wants out. I tell her that I've got ten days clean and I'm working it, and she says she's seen it before it's just a matter of time before I fall. So, even though I doubt anyone can actual do anything, I will give it a try before I say screw it and commit to unrestricted use...

LosingmyMisery

If you are skeptical that an addiction counselor can't teach you anything you don't already know, try working a program. There are a few out there. What do you think? At least it is taking the next step into getting clean. It sounds like you have much to risk losing. Once thing I do know about addiction, eventually it will take over and we have to face major consequences. Such as losing jobs, loved ones, legal issues, ext. Something to think about...

gr8ful42day

I think u r my twin!