I haven't focused on me, and I've fallen apart
This morning I heard a commercial on the radio that made me cry, and then I cried the entire 47 miles to work. The phone rang, and for just a second I hoped it was X, even though I am no contact with him. Yesterday after Church I took my daughter out to eat after church. He followed me into the parking lot. I'm not sure how far he followed me. It was hard just to tell him that I had to go. And asking myself why I am crying this morning. I'm not even sure. I feel so alone. I really do miss him, or at least the life we should have had. The one I lived on his good days that I tricked myself into believing could last.
So this morning while I am still crying, at my desk with a mountain of work in front of me that won't do itself, Here's where I am.
I have quit wearing makeup. I showered and put my hair in a pony tail. I need a hair cut and color. I have quit exercising and have been eating to comfort myself and I have gained 30 pounds in the last 2 months and I feel sick all of the time. My primary care doctor quit as she is having a baby, chances are good the reason I feel so bad is the extra weight, but I've been wondering if I have an ulcer or something even more serious. I haven't taken my anti-depressants in over a year because I thought I could tough it out. I thought I was better off without taking them. I'm still living at my parent's house. While I am welcome there and it is a great place to be, I have no personal space. My mother helps out tremendously with my daughter. I really do appreciate that. If I were to move out, I would still have to take her there every morning so that my mom could get her to school and I could get to work on time.
So if you asked me in April when I packed up and left X what my life would look like by October, I wouldn't have believed this. I did this to make our lives better, and look....It doesn't help that he is moved back here, a mile away, and when I do see him he looks better, appears sober, has a new job. I remind myself about the mugshot and his admittance that he drank a few beers a couple of weeks ago, and how he told me that because he thought I would be proud that he "knew when to quit". and that "he quit after 3 because he was thinking of me". That makes me want to puke.
There, I did it again....I took a post that was supposed to be about me and I turned back to him....
I am smarter than this.