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I haven't focused on me, and I've fallen apart

Old 10-10-2011, 05:33 AM
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I haven't focused on me, and I've fallen apart

This morning I heard a commercial on the radio that made me cry, and then I cried the entire 47 miles to work. The phone rang, and for just a second I hoped it was X, even though I am no contact with him. Yesterday after Church I took my daughter out to eat after church. He followed me into the parking lot. I'm not sure how far he followed me. It was hard just to tell him that I had to go. And asking myself why I am crying this morning. I'm not even sure. I feel so alone. I really do miss him, or at least the life we should have had. The one I lived on his good days that I tricked myself into believing could last.

So this morning while I am still crying, at my desk with a mountain of work in front of me that won't do itself, Here's where I am.

I have quit wearing makeup. I showered and put my hair in a pony tail. I need a hair cut and color. I have quit exercising and have been eating to comfort myself and I have gained 30 pounds in the last 2 months and I feel sick all of the time. My primary care doctor quit as she is having a baby, chances are good the reason I feel so bad is the extra weight, but I've been wondering if I have an ulcer or something even more serious. I haven't taken my anti-depressants in over a year because I thought I could tough it out. I thought I was better off without taking them. I'm still living at my parent's house. While I am welcome there and it is a great place to be, I have no personal space. My mother helps out tremendously with my daughter. I really do appreciate that. If I were to move out, I would still have to take her there every morning so that my mom could get her to school and I could get to work on time.

So if you asked me in April when I packed up and left X what my life would look like by October, I wouldn't have believed this. I did this to make our lives better, and look....It doesn't help that he is moved back here, a mile away, and when I do see him he looks better, appears sober, has a new job. I remind myself about the mugshot and his admittance that he drank a few beers a couple of weeks ago, and how he told me that because he thought I would be proud that he "knew when to quit". and that "he quit after 3 because he was thinking of me". That makes me want to puke.

There, I did it again....I took a post that was supposed to be about me and I turned back to him....

I am smarter than this.
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Old 10-10-2011, 06:39 AM
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Old 10-10-2011, 07:23 AM
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I understand where you are coming from. If you want to talk or find ways to help motivate eachother let me know.
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Old 10-10-2011, 08:12 AM
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Awareness is a great place to begin from. Now, what is your next action going to be to start taking care of you and living a life you are happy with and proud of?

Grief sucks, but we don't need to suffer through it at our own expenses. There are amazing resources out there to help us get through the painful life transitions.
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Old 10-10-2011, 09:37 AM
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I really do miss him, or at least the life we should have had. The one I lived on his good days that I tricked myself into believing could last.
It's OK to grieve your dreams and a relationship that turned out not to be what you wanted it to. It's OK, and it's normal.

You say you've put on a bunch of weight after you left him because you quit exercising and have been eating to comfort yourself. I've done that same thing. You know what? It's not the end of the world. The good thing with knowing how you ended up with 30 extra pounds is that you're in complete control of getting rid of them, should you choose to. You're driving the bus, babe. It might feel like a beat-up old bus when you'd like to be driving a brand new Mercedes, but you're driving, and it's yours. And that's some tall corn right there.

You know what I found? That it's easy to sink into letting things just happen. I spent a whole morning crying a couple of weekends ago because I had let things just happen. My body, my finances, my home are all a mess because I just couldn't find the energy to focus, plan, and organize.

I started small: I started with cleaning ONE room, top to bottom. And then it felt so good I went on to the next one. Then I looked at my budget. And found that with the money I'm making and the bills I have, I am actually able to save money -- if I stay on budget. (That was exciting!) Then I made a weekly menu (breakfast, lunch, and dinner) and went shopping -- which showed me I can stay within my food budget.

I just started with one thing that didn't feel overwhelming. If I had tried to tackle it all at once, I wouldn't have been able to start.

When it comes to weight management and exercise, I've decided I need to be patient with myself. But that's just me. Maybe that's the end you need to start in? I don't know. I have the additional baggage of having divorced a man who told me I was disgustingly fat when I was 50 lbs lighter than I am now. If he couldn't see my ribs, I was "fat and disgusting"... That stuff sticks. I don't ever want to go back to working out and controlling my eating because someone else judges me. I want to do it because I want to do it.

I think that's where it started for me with getting control back over my life: I had given myself a lot of leeway, a lot of grace, a lot of comforting by just letting things go. But I got to a point where I was unhappy with the consequences of my choices. And then I started making other choices.

You sound unhappy. What choices can you start making that will make you less unhappy?
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Old 10-10-2011, 09:50 AM
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I'm sorta in the same place. I feel your pain. I found this posts as I was sitting here crying, with deadlines looming over me, all I can do is think about my newly sober husband. He's been sober for 34 days now, out of rehab 2 weeks ago. He met a girl in rehab, he told me that she persued him physically while in treatment. She got outta rehab on Tuesday, Oct. 4th, relapsed on Oct. 6th and since then they have shared over 120 text messages. He's says it makes him feel better to help her, but he won't help our marriage - I make him feel worse he says. I fear I'm going to lose him to her and he'll lose his sobriety.

I too have to figure out how to control my thoughts and actions. Get myself healthy and strong. Good luck to you, I send you healing thoughts.
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Old 10-18-2011, 10:09 PM
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Boy, I hav been fighting that story of th rehab romance with my ABF. That's not uncommon, it rarely works out and s a big mess in my situation. Very painful! I feel for you and hope your results will be much better than mine.
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