My name is Hannah and im 19 years young..
I was 15 years old when i took my first "Pill"..... since before i can remember
i was always a "loner" always depressed... never fit in. I met a man 8 years older than me when i was 15. He made me feel wonderful. Beautfiul. He had his own place and amazing job as a manager at Kroger. He had money. He picked me up from high school most every day in his mercededs. I started lying to my parents. Drinking because he drank and could buy it. He bought me whatever.. I started having sex everyday and spending the nights with him at just the age of 15 when he was 23 bout to turn 24. I stayed out of school and stayed with him... He had sleeping pills and muscle relaxers in his medicine cabinet. I asked to try a sleeping pill not for sleeping but just for "fun" then the muscle relaxers. It was fun and i loved it... loved how it made me feel.... but at that point i only did it a few times.. rare. Then i had my wisdom teeth out shortly after being with him.. like 6months. They gave me loratabs. And that was what started it all.. I took them all and kept getting more... but eventually no more was given to me.. so i left it alone. I never really stopped thinking about them or wanting them.. but i couldnt get anymore so i left it alone.... I eventually turned 16 and two months after my 16th birthday i got pregnant with this man age 24. At this time he was unemployed living with his aunt.... he got fired because few parents from my high school saw him picking me up and reported it to Kroger....HE wanted me to get a abortion and secretly i guess i did too... we went thru all the steps to make this happen..... the day before my apt for the abortion my parents called me. I told my sister i was pregnant and about the abortion and she swore she wouldnt tell anyone... well she lied. told my parents.... They told me they still loved me and didnt want me to go through with the abortion and that there was other choices and they would support me.... I wanted to keep my baby(reece) but the baby's daddy made it quite clear he couldnt and never said he wanted to or would.... so im 16 and freaking out... I want my child to have a good life... a amazing life.... thats what he deserves... and i did not want my parents raising my child... and thats what would of happened... so my parents told me about adoption.(open adoption) and thats what i choice to do...... and thats where depression found me... or i found it... i was crying everyday... and hating myself. my life. to where i eneded up...my doctor at the time gave me prozac(sp?) it helped the crying... in fact i couldnt produce tears on the stuff... i didnt have anixety attacks anymore... i was just numb just living day by day making sure my baby was healthy. we found parents for our child. amazing parents who could give him the world and every oppurtunity in it. I dropped at of school and moved to South carolina with him because his aunt could no longer let him stay with her so he had to move in with his parents at the age of 24. and i didnt want to be without him.... moving away from my parents. my family. school... everything tore me up in side.. but that was nothing compared to giving up my son who i loved with every being of me.... but i loved him so much more than i loved myself and i couldnt be selfish with his life his future. i ended up breaking the tip of my tail bone durning delivery... they gave me tons of pain pills for that pain.. for months. and ambien for sleeping.. i eventually moved back home and thats when they didnt give me anymore meds.... the baby's daddy eventually broke up with me because i had apparently became to emotionally unstable and depressed and way to clingy and he angry towards him for him to be with me...... that killed every last bit of me after loosing our son.... i had nothing. I then started smoking weed. drinking. having sex with whoever just to feel just to feel wanted... but all it did was make me numb. cold. and loose myself completly.....
I am 19 now and have graduated high school and have a pretty damn goood job at 19.. I live with my boyfriend who i met when i was 18 a year after all the depression and ****... i thought i was better. stable. i have never had to pay bills before and work all day everyday pulling doubles as a server... we have been living together for 3months and 2 months out of the three i have been taking 2-3 loratabs a day every day... spending hundreds of dollars.. when i couldnt find tabs i would get roxies 30.... spending hundreds of dollars on them as well.... i have never been this bad. this addicted. never have i ever spent this much money on them...so why now? why have i gotten to this place now.... I stopped taking all pills last sunday and was clean up until today.. Today would have been day 5... but i relapsed. I told my boyfriend last night about my binge pill diet of two months... and thats why im always broke and never have money.... he called me a liar... and he is beyond hurt... which hurts me... because im not a bad person just have made some really bad decisons.. and he made me feel like the worst person on earth. and while he is finding out and saying these things to me im going thru full blown withdrawls which i have never had to feel or face.... i cant sleep. cant eat. crying and crying... i had the worst panic attack of my life today couldnt breath felt like i was dying... and thats what made me relapse. i thought telling him would make all this better... but it only made it worse. I need help but i dont know how to get it... would a doctor help me... could they do anything for me at 19years old... my health is becoming real bad because of these things and lack of nutrients i get... im 90-100pounds and loosing weight fast.. for the four days i was sober i had couldnt eat and if i did make myself it just came right thru me... going to the bath constantly SUCKS. im also working full time and that does not help..expecially waking up early.... im so alone... and scared and i just want to get better!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry this was so long.... but i have no one to talk to...
nobody understands me.. they think or tell me just stop. well its not that easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!