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Old 10-06-2011, 08:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy

How did i end up here?



My name is Hannah and im 19 years young..
I was 15 years old when i took my first "Pill"..... since before i can remember
i was always a "loner" always depressed... never fit in. I met a man 8 years older than me when i was 15. He made me feel wonderful. Beautfiul. He had his own place and amazing job as a manager at Kroger. He had money. He picked me up from high school most every day in his mercededs. I started lying to my parents. Drinking because he drank and could buy it. He bought me whatever.. I started having sex everyday and spending the nights with him at just the age of 15 when he was 23 bout to turn 24. I stayed out of school and stayed with him... He had sleeping pills and muscle relaxers in his medicine cabinet. I asked to try a sleeping pill not for sleeping but just for "fun" then the muscle relaxers. It was fun and i loved it... loved how it made me feel.... but at that point i only did it a few times.. rare. Then i had my wisdom teeth out shortly after being with him.. like 6months. They gave me loratabs. And that was what started it all.. I took them all and kept getting more... but eventually no more was given to me.. so i left it alone. I never really stopped thinking about them or wanting them.. but i couldnt get anymore so i left it alone.... I eventually turned 16 and two months after my 16th birthday i got pregnant with this man age 24. At this time he was unemployed living with his aunt.... he got fired because few parents from my high school saw him picking me up and reported it to Kroger....HE wanted me to get a abortion and secretly i guess i did too... we went thru all the steps to make this happen..... the day before my apt for the abortion my parents called me. I told my sister i was pregnant and about the abortion and she swore she wouldnt tell anyone... well she lied. told my parents.... They told me they still loved me and didnt want me to go through with the abortion and that there was other choices and they would support me.... I wanted to keep my baby(reece) but the baby's daddy made it quite clear he couldnt and never said he wanted to or would.... so im 16 and freaking out... I want my child to have a good life... a amazing life.... thats what he deserves... and i did not want my parents raising my child... and thats what would of happened... so my parents told me about adoption.(open adoption) and thats what i choice to do...... and thats where depression found me... or i found it... i was crying everyday... and hating myself. my life. to where i eneded up...my doctor at the time gave me prozac(sp?) it helped the crying... in fact i couldnt produce tears on the stuff... i didnt have anixety attacks anymore... i was just numb just living day by day making sure my baby was healthy. we found parents for our child. amazing parents who could give him the world and every oppurtunity in it. I dropped at of school and moved to South carolina with him because his aunt could no longer let him stay with her so he had to move in with his parents at the age of 24. and i didnt want to be without him.... moving away from my parents. my family. school... everything tore me up in side.. but that was nothing compared to giving up my son who i loved with every being of me.... but i loved him so much more than i loved myself and i couldnt be selfish with his life his future. i ended up breaking the tip of my tail bone durning delivery... they gave me tons of pain pills for that pain.. for months. and ambien for sleeping.. i eventually moved back home and thats when they didnt give me anymore meds.... the baby's daddy eventually broke up with me because i had apparently became to emotionally unstable and depressed and way to clingy and he angry towards him for him to be with me...... that killed every last bit of me after loosing our son.... i had nothing. I then started smoking weed. drinking. having sex with whoever just to feel just to feel wanted... but all it did was make me numb. cold. and loose myself completly.....
I am 19 now and have graduated high school and have a pretty damn goood job at 19.. I live with my boyfriend who i met when i was 18 a year after all the depression and ****... i thought i was better. stable. i have never had to pay bills before and work all day everyday pulling doubles as a server... we have been living together for 3months and 2 months out of the three i have been taking 2-3 loratabs a day every day... spending hundreds of dollars.. when i couldnt find tabs i would get roxies 30.... spending hundreds of dollars on them as well.... i have never been this bad. this addicted. never have i ever spent this much money on them...so why now? why have i gotten to this place now.... I stopped taking all pills last sunday and was clean up until today.. Today would have been day 5... but i relapsed. I told my boyfriend last night about my binge pill diet of two months... and thats why im always broke and never have money.... he called me a liar... and he is beyond hurt... which hurts me... because im not a bad person just have made some really bad decisons.. and he made me feel like the worst person on earth. and while he is finding out and saying these things to me im going thru full blown withdrawls which i have never had to feel or face.... i cant sleep. cant eat. crying and crying... i had the worst panic attack of my life today couldnt breath felt like i was dying... and thats what made me relapse. i thought telling him would make all this better... but it only made it worse. I need help but i dont know how to get it... would a doctor help me... could they do anything for me at 19years old... my health is becoming real bad because of these things and lack of nutrients i get... im 90-100pounds and loosing weight fast.. for the four days i was sober i had couldnt eat and if i did make myself it just came right thru me... going to the bath constantly SUCKS. im also working full time and that does not help..expecially waking up early.... im so alone... and scared and i just want to get better!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry this was so long.... but i have no one to talk to...
nobody understands me.. they think or tell me just stop. well its not that easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 10-06-2011, 08:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome! Have you considered NA meetings? Happiness is an inside job....
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Old 10-06-2011, 08:49 PM   #3 (permalink)
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YEs!!! i really want to go.. but i work all the time and i have became so lazy so tired. my only days off are sunday and monday.... i need help i just dont know how to get it.
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Old 10-06-2011, 09:32 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hannah, I think you are right - you need to talk to someone right away. You can call Ga state health service 24 hours / 7 days, and the number is toll free. You will talk with someone who understands exactly what you are dealing with, will listen without judgement, and knows all the options that you can choose from. 1-800-715-4225

Contact information for regional clinics and treatment centers is listed by region
here.

Give them a call, Hannah, and keep us posted.
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Last edited by freshstart57; 10-06-2011 at 09:35 PM. Reason: fixed something something
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Old 10-06-2011, 10:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I called just now and will find something out tomorrow. I am hoping for the best.
The lady was super nice and super helpful. I was so nervous..... i am still battling with the conclusion i am a addict so young.... its so hard to convince myself of this... what im most afraid of is inpaient care.. being away from the world. from life.. what people who say. or think of me.... i know that shouldnt matter but it does... and its scary...because im not crazy.. and most "hospitals" are for crazy people who try to kill themselfs...?
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Old 10-06-2011, 11:16 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR sundrop19
I'm glad you called that number.

I think we can all agree you need some help and it's great you're getting it
Try not and freak out or jump too far ahead mentally - see what they say tomorrow

Keep us updated

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Old 10-07-2011, 07:51 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hannah, if needing help with a problem like ours makes you crazy, the we are all of us here certifiably whacko. So what?

As for what folks might think, you will be surprised to learn that there are a lot of folks who have made decisions, like you have, to get better. There are also a lot of folks who wish that they could make the decision, like you have, to get better. There will be a third group that will respect the inner strength you have, even if they don't share your experience. There is a fourth group, but we none of us here at SR care what they think, and neither should you.

Keep posting here, Hannah.
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Old 10-07-2011, 08:03 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Hannah, I am also in GA. I have a 40 page list of places that can help you. A lot of them or free or sliding scale. I am going to send you a private message relating.

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Old 10-07-2011, 08:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Hannah, yes you are young and probably still in the 15yr old mind frame as though you haven't grown as a person since you met the older man, got pregnant, and gave your baby up. You then jumped into another relationship. You have a lot to look at but you are not crazy, just a bit lost. I think once you start to learn about yourself and meet people with issues just like you you will open up a whole new world of friends and support you never knew was out there. You will also find that you aren't so unusual. Many people your age have your story or a similar one - YOU ARE NOT ALONE! As for what other people think? You can bet most of the time other people only think about themselves and the ones that judge don't need to be around you.

There are so many options for you so don't get yourself all freaked out about in patient. you may be okay with out patient or NA Meetings and a therapist to begin with. Bottom line is you can't do this alone. Also when you are as young as you are and in a relationship the other person in the relationship isn't mentally equipt to handle addiction and this may be what you are seeing in your boyfriend. Why do you have to be in a relationship? Have you spent much time on your own?

Whatever the issues you have to get help and I'm really glad you called. Don't worry you will be okay. Slow down and let those that know what they are doing help you. Accept the help, respect it and listen to those who "have been there." You will find your way. ((HUGS))
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Old 10-07-2011, 08:29 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I use to have panic attacks but no more. Try breathing heavy and count back from 100. That will help with the panic attack.
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Old 10-07-2011, 11:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I am so glad you called for help. You may also need to slow down a bit. It seems like you have been making decisions very quickly, and moving through your life at a break-neck speed.

Try to slow down. Try some self-talk: take a walk and talk to yourself, tell yourself what is going on in your life. Try to clarify what you are feeling, just with yourself. Also try to clarify where you are right now in your life and where you want to be. Do this for several days in a row, especially when you start to panic. Just take a walk and talk to yourself about what you are feeling and why. Try to come up with simple solutions for that day. No big moves, no big life changes. Just simple solutions for that day.

Above all, don't use. Even when you feel panicky -- don't use. Remind yourself that the panic will pass. The panic WON'T kill you. It is just a feeling. Feelings can't hurt you. Let it pass.
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Old 10-07-2011, 12:39 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I am two days into relaspe and broke once again...
still waiting for the hot line to call me back but havent heard anything all day...
arent they suppose to help me? be rushing to help me....
Thanks for everyone listening to me and helping me you all are so right...
i have a hard time with lots of stuff. possibly my bad attutide and stressful mind and anger have a lot to do with my bad decisons and unhappiness
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Old 10-07-2011, 12:53 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I feel badly that the 23 year old man would prey on a 15 year old for dates. You've been through alot. You are always welcome in the rooms of recovery NA where you'll meet many people with similar stories where you can hang out with and not feel so lonely. Fortunately you recognize that you have a serious problem and you are trying to do something about it (very commendable) Keep up the good work. There are specialized meetings for young persons in recovery that may also be of help to you. Good Luck.
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Old 10-07-2011, 01:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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If you don't hear back soon, give them a call again yourself - it's nothing personal, sometimes lines like those get very busy with lots of people wanting help

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Old 10-07-2011, 07:23 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I'd call twice a day until I got an answer. Just keep at it.
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Old 10-07-2011, 08:54 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Places to start...

Laurelwood Hospital
200 Wisteria Drive, Gainesville, GA 30501 Laurelwood Hospital is an addiction treatment center serving HALL county and the city of Gainesville. The primary focus of Laurelwood Hospital is a mix of substance abuse and mental health services. They provide hospital inpatient, outpatient, partial hospitalization/day treatment services for detoxification, substance abuse treatment including drug ...


Lanier Treatment Center
664 Lanier Park Drive, Gainesville, GA 30501 Lanier Treatment Center is an addiction treatment center serving HALL county and the city of Gainesville. The primary focus of Lanier Treatment Center is substance abuse treatment services. They provide outpatient services for detoxification, substance abuse treatment including drug addiction and alcohol addiction, methadone maintenance, methadone ...


Avita Community Partners
305 Mabry Road, Gainesville, GA 30504 Avita Community Partners is an addiction treatment center serving HALL county and the city of Gainesville. The primary focus of Avita Community Partners is a mix of substance abuse and mental health services. They provide outpatient services for detoxification, substance abuse treatment including drug addiction and alcohol addiction. They have treatment ...
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