Update.
When I kicked him out he stayed out. Stayed in his car for several days and then ended up at his codie parents house. He decided then to go to rehab, a real above and beyond the detox centers he'd been to before, a private payer 30+ days rehab. Left today.
Night before last we had a conversation about his addiction. I told him that while I feel empathy for what he's going through and have really wanted to help him get clean in the past, I was at a point where I really didn't care what his reasons were: I am tired of feeling like ****, of being treated like ****, and being disrespected, and most importantly being the one adult holding up this house of cards. I knew he was sober, so I let him come over yesterday and see the baby before he left for rehab. When I made a suggestion to help him calm a fussy baby, he lashed out at me. I demanded an apology and when he didn't/wouldn't/couldn't give me one, he was out.
His parents and A sister called me today to give me a zillion updates. I. Don't. Care. Unless the man comes home a healed, not-lying, not-manipulative person, I'm done. I've prepared my family for the possible outcome and they have offered to help me watch the baby and take care of my older son while I transition back to work. I shut off cable and I shut off his phone to save money for daycare. I'm trying to get used to the idea of getting divorced and being the woman with two babydaddies, and trying to figure out what to say when everyone around me discovers I somehow became a single mom again within the space of my maternity leave.
It's hard. This taps into all my insecurities of being a loser and being unlovable and thinking that my life will always be about loss and failure. It also sucks that this is happening to me when I'm six weeks out of having a baby -- my body issues have become a locus for my depression even though I know it's irrational to have the expectation that I'd be model-ready right after having a baby in my early thirties.
So, in short, it sucks. I'm angry -- but not even angry. More like impatient with it. I'm sick of everyone's time and attention revolving around an alcoholic's never-ending troubles. But I'm trying to keep in mind that if I don't take care of this now, I'm setting myself and my children up for more pain indefinitely.