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OMFG here I am again. AGAIN!

Old 09-18-2011, 01:49 PM
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OMFG here I am again. AGAIN!

Man, I feel like an idiot. Rant ahead.

Hey all -- long time no see. I've been busy with the new baby (1 month old!) and recovering from the emergency c-section (the effects of which I swear will never end), and partially because my AH was doing so well staying sober and working his program.

But as I *should have* expected, AH fell off the wagon. Said it was too much. Couldn't handle the baby's crying, couldn't handle the job search, or starting classes again, or having to fill in around the house since I was down after the surgery. He decided it would be a great idea to drown his feelings in vodka, and I, per my explicitly stated boundary about no drinking here, asked him to leave. Nice little vacation away from the family for him, huh? Whatever the case, whatever his reason, I'm now in the position of taking care of a newborn by myself, doing everything around the house while recovering from surgery (which is a no-no) and am the sole breadwinner for myself and two kids. There is no excuse for being under the influence and trying to care for an infant, and I can't in good faith allow it. Period.

He's living out of his car and was making noises about this just being a slip-up, and that he could get it back together quickly. I fell for it and let him come over for a meal and a shower, after explicitly saying I wouldn't let him stay here. While he was here he ate and showered and held the baby for about ten minutes. The rest of the time, when he talked at all, he basically complained about being broke and homeless and making a ton of excuses about why he drank, telling me about "the alcoholic mind", quack quack quack. Before he showered, he explained that he smelled of vodka because he hadn't been able to shower in three days. After his shower, he was still sweating vodka, so I know he wasn't being honest about when he had his last drink. I thought to myself, man, if I'd known that he was lying about that I wouldn't have opened the door for him. This guy is using me again.

Luckily, I had already taken complete control over the finances after his last relapse, so AH has no money and I'm protected that way. I have no idea where he got the money for his rotgut booze, but it's not my problem.

I guess I'm just disappointed -- in him of course -- but also at myself for having this magical thinking that we'd be totally okay. Because we are IN LOVE, or whatever crap I was rationalizing with. And I'm fighting with myself too for STILL having the internal argument -- he can come home and we'll figure it out and everything will be fine! vs. Kick this dude to the curb before he hurts you or your children any more than he already has.

I can't trust him -- not with money, the house, the kids, the car, the bills, not with my feelings or my needs, or to take care of himself! So while I'm whining to myself on the one hand that I don't want to be alone, or have to face the music that my marriage is dead in the water, there's not a whole lot to salvage. No matter how much I love him -- and I do, I really do -- I keep thinking that I am too young to try to save a relationship this dysfunctional and always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I deserve to have a good marriage. A two-way marriage.

So why does it feel so bad? It feels so, so bad.
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Old 09-18-2011, 01:59 PM
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For myself, other things I deserve:

A partner that can hold down a job.
A partner that is happy to contribute to the family, emotionally and financially.
A partner that can apologize.
A partner that comforts me when I am upset.
A partner that tells me the truth.
A partner that values his role as a husband and father.
Reliability.
Someone who can collaborate with me on administrative household stuff, like a budget, bills, groceries, who changes the litter box this time -- without having the conversation turn into a vortex of resentment and blame.
A fulfilling sex life.

I'm sure I'll think of more. But I do deserve better than this ****.
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Old 09-18-2011, 02:02 PM
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And... AND!

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. Seven years together. Hurrah.
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Old 09-18-2011, 02:08 PM
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It is painful! It hurts. It hurts alot.
Not only does it hurt emotionally when we end a long term relationship, it affects us physically too.

Your body is in recovery from childbirth and surgery. Your hormones are trying to respond to child birth. You have alot going on in and around you. Your instints are to care and nurture. And that is what you are doing. You are ok!

You are a good mom too!

You have enough on your plate with your personal recovery, your new born and the other children.

I gently suggest you let the alcoholic adult take care of himself. Even if it means sleeping in his own filth.

I applaud you for cutting off the alcoholic financially from your family budget. Yet, I also want to caution you about other resources for addicts. My alcoholic rented a post office box and applied for credit cards. When the credit cards arrived, he used them like ATM cards for cash. Huge debt within months.


Also, an alcoholic that is desperate for a fix will steal from you and pawn anything of value. Please protect all your assets.

Can you ask a friend or family member to help you with some household chores for a few weeks. Things like vacuuming and dusting?

Please take care of you during this time of recovery. You are very important!
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Old 09-18-2011, 02:14 PM
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Sometimes one just has to accept reality...it is not working...and it will not work.

He is unable to face the world on it's terms, to be a responsible husband or father and most likely he never will be.

So, the ball is in your court, what do you want for your children, they to me, must be your priorty. The baby has already inherited the gene for alcoholism, is it really fair that the child should have to be exposed to an alcoholic day in and day out?

Children carry their childhood experiences into adulthood. 50% of children of alcoholics/addicts marry alcoholics/addicts. 70% of children develop a pattern of compulsive behavior, not limited to addiction. They may suffer from depresiion, anxiety, negative self image and impulsive behavior.

Yes, you do deserve a good two way marriage,however, I really don't think that your husband is going to change.

So sorry that you are faced with this situation, however, you can change your and your childrens life.
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Old 09-18-2011, 03:44 PM
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(((big hugs))) Your post really touched me. I was alone after I had my baby and it's tough. Do you have any family or friends nearby that can help out? Don't be ashamed to ask for help. That's what friends and family are for. We are only as sick as our secrets...

You're going be ok. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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Old 09-18-2011, 03:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
For myself, other things I deserve:

A partner that can hold down a job.
A partner that is happy to contribute to the family, emotionally and financially.
A partner that can apologize.
A partner that comforts me when I am upset.
A partner that tells me the truth.
A partner that values his role as a husband and father.
Reliability.
Someone who can collaborate with me on administrative household stuff, like a budget, bills, groceries, who changes the litter box this time -- without having the conversation turn into a vortex of resentment and blame.
A fulfilling sex life.

I'm sure I'll think of more. But I do deserve better than this ****.
Yes, you do deserve better. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this alone, and hope you recuperate from surgery despite having to do all of this on your own. Were I closer I'd be glad to help.

Kiss that new baby for me, and hugs for you!
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Old 09-18-2011, 03:50 PM
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Sending big, huge, enormous hugs your way. Of course it hurts. He was doing okay, you believed him, you wanted to trust him- it's human nature. And now you are recovering from a major surgery, have a newborn and have no help-- actually it's like you have 2 newborns.

My AH went downhill fast when D3 was born. I saw anger and irritation from him that I never had and his drinking increased a LOT and it was of course my fault and the baby's fault. D3 has remained a high maintanance, unable to self soothe child and I am sure it is because of the handful of times AH got to her first during the night and yelled hard at her (as a week or month old baby) to "f'ing stop crying". I didn't leave then and am not sure why and wound up with severe severe PPD so I wasn't really capable of making any major life decisions for a while there...

The fact that you are connected on here gives you more of a support network than I had and I hope that this, al anon, therapy? are enough for you to be able to give yourself and your sweet baby a better life asap than the one I subjected my baby to.

I am not judging at all or saying "you should". I know how devastating it is to think "this time he'll stick with it" and have it not happen and I know the feeling of saying to myself "I shouldn't be so upset- I should have expected this" and then being all the more upset bc despite "knowing better" I AM upset.

Let yourself be upset, and hurt and feel what you feel. You have done nothing wrong. You are being held hostage by someone else's disease and you have a ton on your plate right now. Be gentle with yourself.
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Old 09-18-2011, 06:17 PM
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"You are being held hostage by someone else's disease..."

Yeah, that's exactly what it feels like. Last time this happened I took him back and decided that this was the last time, and that to continue to keep up this pattern would be crazy. Crazy and irresponsible. He really did well there for awhile. Luckily long enough to get me through the last half of my pregnancy and through the (awful) labor. Silver lining there, I guess. But I maintain that this is it. Nothing short of a miracle could keep me going down this particular road.

I should have seen the signs. He quit going to meetings, started missing doctor appointments, kept procrastinating regular self-maintenance kinds of things. It was only a matter of time.

And what makes it so bittersweet is that for the first couple of weeks after the baby was here he was his old charming self -- his old, old self, back from before the alcoholism developed, the guy I fell in love with -- and I kept thinking to myself how grateful I was, and how happy I was down to my bones, and how amazing it was that he/we were able to pull through the muck and come out the other side as a family. I mean, I was IN LOVE again, butterflies and everything. Maybe it was the hormones.

It never fails to amaze me how alcohol affects the alcoholic.

Anyway, I'm sad and frustrated and scared about doing this alone again. And about being the woman with two babydaddies. And how I'm going to care for a new baby after I have to go back to work. And daycare. Holy hell, daycare.
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Old 09-18-2011, 06:27 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Sending big, huge, enormous hugs your way. Of course it hurts. He was doing okay, you believed him, you wanted to trust him- it's human nature. And now you are recovering from a major surgery, have a newborn and have no help-- actually it's like you have 2 newborns.

My AH went downhill fast when D3 was born. I saw anger and irritation from him that I never had and his drinking increased a LOT and it was of course my fault and the baby's fault. D3 has remained a high maintanance, unable to self soothe child and I am sure it is because of the handful of times AH got to her first during the night and yelled hard at her (as a week or month old baby) to "f'ing stop crying". I didn't leave then and am not sure why and wound up with severe severe PPD so I wasn't really capable of making any major life decisions for a while there...

The fact that you are connected on here gives you more of a support network than I had and I hope that this, al anon, therapy? are enough for you to be able to give yourself and your sweet baby a better life asap than the one I subjected my baby to.

I am not judging at all or saying "you should". I know how devastating it is to think "this time he'll stick with it" and have it not happen and I know the feeling of saying to myself "I shouldn't be so upset- I should have expected this" and then being all the more upset bc despite "knowing better" I AM upset.

Let yourself be upset, and hurt and feel what you feel. You have done nothing wrong. You are being held hostage by someone else's disease and you have a ton on your plate right now. Be gentle with yourself.
Here, here!

And I also want to say you, Florence, are f'ing AMAZING for holding it all together like you have. I bow to your greatness.
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Old 09-18-2011, 06:35 PM
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I'm so sorry you're facing all of this.

I know it is a lot to handle, and you've already done so much to protect yourself and your babies, but have you considered seeing an attorney? You need to make sure that he does not sabotage you financially. Many attorneys will give you a free consultation.

Al-anon is a great suggestion. It can be hard to get out with kids (I know!), but do try, even if it is just one meeting. You'll feel so much less alone and isolated.

You have so much to face, and you sound so together. Take care of yourself.

Kitty
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Old 09-18-2011, 08:16 PM
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Love and hugs to you! One of the hardest parts of this disease is dealing with the disappointment. You had high hopes for him and your family. It hurts so much when the other person won't just get with the program and do their part, contribute their share.

But, you sound so strong! Keep staying true to what you know is the right and true path for you. Of course, sitting eating dinner together and getting hugs, and all those all emotions feel good. But keep being smart. Make decisions for you and your kids with your smarts not your feelings. I did what I "felt" was right for 16 years and raising five kids. You are smarter and braver than I was. I, also kept hoping. Without consistent recovery it does not get better. Even with recovery, there's relapse- as you've lived! It does hurt- you did not want THIS on your 7th anniversary.

I wish I listened to my own voice that told me it was a huge problem and it needed to stop. You listened to yourself and made incredibly courageous decisions! You will be better for it. Your kids will be better for it!!!!
Rest and take care of you.
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Old 09-19-2011, 12:21 AM
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Hugs and congratulations !! my sister had a difficult time after the c section but 3 months later she is feeling much better, I hope you improve very fast and feel better soon.

Yes you deserve bidirectional relationships, I am learning that too, and if people canīt give me what I can give them, I can decide not to include them in my life, or limit their appearances, after all its MY play and I am the director..

More hugs to you.
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Old 09-19-2011, 04:19 AM
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((Florence)) Congratulations on the beautiful, new little one!!

Facing reality is painful, and I think you did a good thing by keeping control over the finances so that the bills could be paid!

Staying or going is up to you, and making changes to protect yourself and the children financially is very important regardless of "that" decision!

Huge hugs, HG
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:36 AM
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I just wanted to write to say that I am overcome with respect for you. I wish I had half your good sense when my baby was born. I was a full time graduate student, AH lost his job a couple of weeks before the baby came (6 weeks early) and steadily drained my bank account unbeknownst to me in the next few months he was unemployed. I rarely felt like he was any help at all, and in my less forgiving moments actually felt like he ruined to whole newborn baby experience for me. I know you can do this. I know you will figure out daycare and working. You have already taken the hardest step. For what it is worth, there are a whole passel of folks here who totally believe in you!
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:39 AM
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It's not funny-haha, but funny-sad that I was drawn to re-read this old post today:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-relapse.html

What do you do when your worst fears are realized? You keep putting one foot in front of the other.

AH is at his parents today giving them the smooth talk. AH's dad texted me and told me that he hoped we could talk "constructively" and "make some progress". And man, I keep thinking he's their problem now. Maybe they'll get what "alcoholic" means when they realize they've been taken so their adult son can watch TV and smoke cigarettes all day on their dime because real life is too hard. Don't call me when he starts pawning your stuff. Damn.

(Who's angry? Bitter? Me? No.)

In other news, the baby smiled at me for the first time today -- about 12 times in a row. So whatever happens, today is a great day. I'm going to say some affirmational things to and about myself/my life and surf Etsy for some pretties.
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:42 AM
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And thank you, thank you, thank you, everyone, for your love and support. Without having an Al-Anon group in town, y'all have been my godsend and I am on my knees thanking whatever is out there for these forums.

It is so difficult to navigate this situation with an active drinker breathing down your neck without having anyone nearby in the flesh that gets what alcoholism *is*.
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
In other news, the baby smiled at me for the first time today -- about 12 times in a row. So whatever happens, today is a great day.
Now that made me smile!

My baby" turned 23 this past June. Savor every moment with that precious baby!
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:22 AM
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Great input

Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Sometimes one just has to accept reality...it is not working...and it will not work.

He is unable to face the world on it's terms, to be a responsible husband or father and most likely he never will be.

So, the ball is in your court, what do you want for your children, they to me, must be your priorty. The baby has already inherited the gene for alcoholism, is it really fair that the child should have to be exposed to an alcoholic day in and day out?

Children carry their childhood experiences into adulthood. 50% of children of alcoholics/addicts marry alcoholics/addicts. 70% of children develop a pattern of compulsive behavior, not limited to addiction. They may suffer from depresiion, anxiety, negative self image and impulsive behavior.

Yes, you do deserve a good two way marriage,however, I really don't think that your husband is going to change.

So sorry that you are faced with this situation, however, you can change your and your childrens life.
Thanks made me think
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Old 09-19-2011, 10:07 AM
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Wow! I am amazed that you had the courage to kick him out during this very hard time for you. I applaud you and wish that I would have been half that brave when I was younger. Instead I stayed for 23 years and as a result both of my kids have addictions/alcoholism and the inability to accept responsibility.

I wish you the very best and congratulations on your new baby. I am not sure if you are religious or not, but having a church family, especially in times of need, is a wonderful thing to have. Especially if you don't have family/friends who can help out until you are stronger.
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