Originally Posted by
kicknNscreamin 
I've begun isolating from my friends. Texting is okay but I don't answer my phone and then I'll follow up the missed call with a text, "Sorry, not in the mood to talk." Everyone understands.
I'm tired of my sobriety being the focus of everything in my life. And, I do mean everything. I think about it constantly, I'm on SR every day. I don't post things to fb that might "worry" my friends.
I'm in group and individual counselling for my lifelong struggle with depression. That's 4 days per week, 3 hours per day. Yes, it's eating up some of the long days but damn. When do I get to just start living my life and not just getting through the day?
I have chosen Rational Recovery and AVRT and the pressure to do AA is overwhelming. I refuse to believe I am powerless or insane =)
I spent the night with a friend out of town and sat there the whole time, wondering why we're friends. I wasn't interested in most of what she had to say. I felt bad because I know she cares very much about me.
So, I started wondering about most of my friends. There's a line in Desiderata, "Especially do not feign affection." I sometimes feel that's what I'm doing. I don't really like most people.
Seriously, when does the living begin?
Thank you so much for this. I do have what may seem a harsh response, but the question i am asking you is also directed at myself.
if you are not powerless over alcohol/ drugs/ emotions (or whatever the spiritual malady), wouldn't that mean that you have the answer or the inner peace required to create the answer? Or does the answer come from a source or direction other than our egos?
I find health in the process of learning that I do not control the universe. The pressure is off. What a relief. Now i can heal.
What i read in your post is some mourning for an old way of life and also willingness to create a new one, now that the old one is feeling...not right. or un fun.
Could also be worth exploring what gets you annoyed about old situations now that you exist in a new situation (sobriety).
I know all this "powerless" talk is odd. I never thought i'd talk about it like this, and I've circled around AA without working it for a long long time. Now i am in the program and working it hard with a sponsor. Anyway, I won't drone on about that because really, your recovery method is great, especially if it works!
I gotta say, though, that every day when i take a moment to explore powerlessness, i find myself doing it because this concept is difficult for me to swallow, because I am alcoholic. When i meditate on it, and then mentally name some things for which i am thankful, I find I am able to quell the noisy thinking. And heck, (did i just say heck?) half the time it takes a bit of work to become aware that i'm just.....in my head with noisy thinking.
Recently I've started my mornings with a quiet meditation about how I can be of service to one who suffers. Purpose.
These answers were not within my reach 47 days ago, even though i thought i had complete control, I was leading an unmanageable life. Hard to admit for a control freak like me, but giving that up has enabled to lead each day one at a time and this is a beautiful difference.
yes i miss my boyfriend (so much) (he's not talking to me right now). yes i miss going out to parties (but also i don't) and in some ways i miss the unmanageability of my life - but really, i think it's because that's the only way i've ever lived until 46 days ago.
Out of all the experiments I've ever done on myself (uh hi control the universer) none have worked like this. I've been in and out of therapy since i was 6 years old. I am in my late 30s. Nothing nothing nothing has worked until i got honest 46 days ago and started practicing ways to stop thinking that i control the universe.
I think the reason people are pushing AA isn't just because it works for so many thousands of folks, but because it provides fellowship with others who also have annoying "friends"
and who know how you feel, who have (or have had) similar situations with friends (i know i do) and may have some experiences to share about what helps, or even when a real life may begin.
You don't need AA for this by any means, and i recognize you aren't working that program. Any way to get out of the head is great. You don't have to hang out in situations that are uncomfortable and you don't have to drink or use even when you want to.
The other day i wanted to get effed up, told someone with experience and got great advice: that's ok, you can do it tomorrow.
I am still sober and felt so much freedom just from realizing i didn't have to fix everything right away.
It sounds like you are on the precipice of a new life that may have already begun
:day6