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Isolating

Old 10-03-2011, 08:18 AM
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Isolating

Since I made the decision to quit drinking, I'm finding that most of my conversations with friends revolve around my not drinking. "How are you doing with the not drinking thing?" "How many days?" I understand they are concerned but my sobriety is not the only thing I am. And, frankly, I'm sick of it.

I've begun isolating from my friends. Texting is okay but I don't answer my phone and then I'll follow up the missed call with a text, "Sorry, not in the mood to talk." Everyone understands.

I'm tired of my sobriety being the focus of everything in my life. And, I do mean everything. I think about it constantly, I'm on SR every day. I don't post things to fb that might "worry" my friends.

I'm in group and individual counselling for my lifelong struggle with depression. That's 4 days per week, 3 hours per day. Yes, it's eating up some of the long days but damn. When do I get to just start living my life and not just getting through the day?

I have chosen Rational Recovery and AVRT and the pressure to do AA is overwhelming. I refuse to believe I am powerless or insane =)

I spent the night with a friend out of town and sat there the whole time, wondering why we're friends. I wasn't interested in most of what she had to say. I felt bad because I know she cares very much about me.

So, I started wondering about most of my friends. There's a line in Desiderata, "Especially do not feign affection." I sometimes feel that's what I'm doing. I don't really like most people.

Seriously, when does the living begin?
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Old 10-03-2011, 08:46 AM
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Im glad you have decided to stop drinking, its early days for me too. Im also battling with depression but by the sounds of things coping not to badly . It must be hard giving up so much time and energy to counselling 4 days a week. I dont think that you are powerless or insane. I cant offer any practical advise except to wish you well on you fight to get well
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Old 10-03-2011, 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by kicknNscreamin View Post

I've begun isolating from my friends. Texting is okay but I don't answer my phone and then I'll follow up the missed call with a text, "Sorry, not in the mood to talk." Everyone understands.

I'm tired of my sobriety being the focus of everything in my life. And, I do mean everything. I think about it constantly, I'm on SR every day. I don't post things to fb that might "worry" my friends.

I'm in group and individual counselling for my lifelong struggle with depression. That's 4 days per week, 3 hours per day. Yes, it's eating up some of the long days but damn. When do I get to just start living my life and not just getting through the day?

I have chosen Rational Recovery and AVRT and the pressure to do AA is overwhelming. I refuse to believe I am powerless or insane =)

I spent the night with a friend out of town and sat there the whole time, wondering why we're friends. I wasn't interested in most of what she had to say. I felt bad because I know she cares very much about me.

So, I started wondering about most of my friends. There's a line in Desiderata, "Especially do not feign affection." I sometimes feel that's what I'm doing. I don't really like most people.

Seriously, when does the living begin?

Thank you so much for this. I do have what may seem a harsh response, but the question i am asking you is also directed at myself.

if you are not powerless over alcohol/ drugs/ emotions (or whatever the spiritual malady), wouldn't that mean that you have the answer or the inner peace required to create the answer? Or does the answer come from a source or direction other than our egos?

I find health in the process of learning that I do not control the universe. The pressure is off. What a relief. Now i can heal.

What i read in your post is some mourning for an old way of life and also willingness to create a new one, now that the old one is feeling...not right. or un fun.

Could also be worth exploring what gets you annoyed about old situations now that you exist in a new situation (sobriety).

I know all this "powerless" talk is odd. I never thought i'd talk about it like this, and I've circled around AA without working it for a long long time. Now i am in the program and working it hard with a sponsor. Anyway, I won't drone on about that because really, your recovery method is great, especially if it works!

I gotta say, though, that every day when i take a moment to explore powerlessness, i find myself doing it because this concept is difficult for me to swallow, because I am alcoholic. When i meditate on it, and then mentally name some things for which i am thankful, I find I am able to quell the noisy thinking. And heck, (did i just say heck?) half the time it takes a bit of work to become aware that i'm just.....in my head with noisy thinking.

Recently I've started my mornings with a quiet meditation about how I can be of service to one who suffers. Purpose.

These answers were not within my reach 47 days ago, even though i thought i had complete control, I was leading an unmanageable life. Hard to admit for a control freak like me, but giving that up has enabled to lead each day one at a time and this is a beautiful difference.

yes i miss my boyfriend (so much) (he's not talking to me right now). yes i miss going out to parties (but also i don't) and in some ways i miss the unmanageability of my life - but really, i think it's because that's the only way i've ever lived until 46 days ago.

Out of all the experiments I've ever done on myself (uh hi control the universer) none have worked like this. I've been in and out of therapy since i was 6 years old. I am in my late 30s. Nothing nothing nothing has worked until i got honest 46 days ago and started practicing ways to stop thinking that i control the universe.

I think the reason people are pushing AA isn't just because it works for so many thousands of folks, but because it provides fellowship with others who also have annoying "friends" and who know how you feel, who have (or have had) similar situations with friends (i know i do) and may have some experiences to share about what helps, or even when a real life may begin.

You don't need AA for this by any means, and i recognize you aren't working that program. Any way to get out of the head is great. You don't have to hang out in situations that are uncomfortable and you don't have to drink or use even when you want to.

The other day i wanted to get effed up, told someone with experience and got great advice: that's ok, you can do it tomorrow.

I am still sober and felt so much freedom just from realizing i didn't have to fix everything right away.

It sounds like you are on the precipice of a new life that may have already begun

:day6
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Old 10-03-2011, 11:37 AM
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Originally Posted by kicknNscreamin View Post
I'm tired of my sobriety being the focus of everything in my life. And, I do mean everything. I think about it constantly, I'm on SR every day.
I think in early recovery that is what it takes; it has to be your constant focus.

When I got tired of it, I just tried to remind myself that for years and years I made drinking the focus of everything in my life, the least I could do was put equal effort into NOT drinking.

Good luck.
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Old 10-03-2011, 05:24 PM
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I refuse to believe I am powerless or insane

You may be looking at these words in too much of a black/white all or nothing manner. I have it "together" in many areas of life. However, in some areas I'm powerless. With alcohol if I start drinking I keep going until I'm drunk. I have many friends who I have observed to have 1 beer and then stop, I don't know how they do that. I don't have that power.

There are other areas of my life I'm powerless over. I have high blood pressure. I have found that no amount of meditation and thinking happy thoughts controls that. Since I'm powerless to control my blood pressure on my own I take medication and fortunately it's well controlled.

I'm also not insane, and there is no one who would describe me as insane. But I have done insane things. One example, waiting for the store to open so that I can buy a six pack and drink a couple of beers to ease my hangover before I go to work. That's insane!
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Old 10-03-2011, 06:53 PM
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If you don't want to join AA that's fine.

I think that we have to put up with the fact that we are going to be "the recovering alcoholic" for at least the first year (or 2-5 years) of our recovery. I think that we as humans tend to categorize people too easily. "That's my friend so-and-so, the recovering alcoholic" or "the Christian" or "the musician" or whatever. Even friends can forget that humans are complex and can't be reduced to simple labels.

People are talking to you about your recovery because that is what they sense is important to you and they want to support you. My guess is that with time you will eventually stop being Kickn the alcoholic, and just start being Kickn the cool dude.
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Old 10-03-2011, 07:20 PM
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Like you, I got sick of thinking about sobriety all the time. I didn't want it to be a big deal with my friends, and I hated talking about it in therapy so I minimized its importance. I quit coming here and reading posts. And then I just sort of forgot that it WAS important to keep it in the back of my mind all the time, and then I started drinking again. Now, I'm back here on day 2. I can't tell you when the living begins (and I'm kind of wondering that myself), but I just wanted to encourage you to keep at least some of your focus on sobriety so you don't lose it and have to start back at square one. Good luck.
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Old 10-03-2011, 07:27 PM
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I thought about it constantly at the start too. Slowly though I started to do sober things. New things! It sounds like you don't have a lot of 'new life' stuff going on? That'll help.

I used AVRT too btw and celebrated a year in August.
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Old 10-03-2011, 07:40 PM
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When I stopped drinking, I knew that I didn't want to tell people what I was doing. I sensed that this journey was going to be extremely personal. I had depended so much, too much, on feedback from friends and family in my daily life and I knew that doing that had contributed to my depression and anxiety, and then my alcoholism.

Yes, I am an alcoholic, but I am also a mother, wife, daughter, friend and grandmother. Alcoholism does not define me and never will.

And, I totally understand what you said about being with your friend and not connecting anymore. The changes I felt within me were huge and I no longer wanted to be with some of the people that I had spent time with. I began to recognize that I enjoyed solitude and in fact, it was essential for me. So, I love spending time with family and friends, but I need to know I can spend time with myself too. You are feeling the rumblings of early recovery and the changes you need are making themselves known to you. Just listen quietly and you will do the right thing.
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