Isolating
Since I made the decision to quit drinking, I'm finding that most of my conversations with friends revolve around my not drinking. "How are you doing with the not drinking thing?" "How many days?" I understand they are concerned but my sobriety is not the only thing I am. And, frankly, I'm sick of it.
I've begun isolating from my friends. Texting is okay but I don't answer my phone and then I'll follow up the missed call with a text, "Sorry, not in the mood to talk." Everyone understands.
I'm tired of my sobriety being the focus of everything in my life. And, I do mean everything. I think about it constantly, I'm on SR every day. I don't post things to fb that might "worry" my friends.
I'm in group and individual counselling for my lifelong struggle with depression. That's 4 days per week, 3 hours per day. Yes, it's eating up some of the long days but damn. When do I get to just start living my life and not just getting through the day?
I have chosen Rational Recovery and AVRT and the pressure to do AA is overwhelming. I refuse to believe I am powerless or insane =)
I spent the night with a friend out of town and sat there the whole time, wondering why we're friends. I wasn't interested in most of what she had to say. I felt bad because I know she cares very much about me.
So, I started wondering about most of my friends. There's a line in Desiderata, "Especially do not feign affection." I sometimes feel that's what I'm doing. I don't really like most people.
Seriously, when does the living begin?