Originally Posted by
ReadyAndAble 
I know exactly what you mean about feeling detached from everyone. I could be talking with someone about the weather, and I felt like I was playing a role. Acting one way, while feeling another. Protecting my secret. It was exhausting and demoralizing.
Originally Posted by
BackToSquareOne The feeling I always had was that I was living but not really alive. Going through the motions of the task at hand to keep up appearances, to keep the charade alive to the extent necessary to keep my addiction satisified. Problem of course is that you can only keep the pretense going so long, it will eventually blow up...it always does.
Originally Posted by
NobleCause while sneaking away for a few quick drinks this afternoon, it occurred to me how much i hate this, and how much i am growing to hate myself. i'm a vacuous caricature, detached from everything & everyone by virtue of all of the lies, and fundamentally incapable of caring about anything more than I care about a trapdoor and a bottle in the next room. not to mention drunk all the time.
NC,
I have been lurking here off and on since my relapse about two years ago (coincidentally after 5 months of being sober as well).
I was morbidly enthralled while reading this thread and about your struggles, because you are
me. I know it is often said in these forums, but I could have written your posts (albeit probably not nearly as well).
Same struggle to keep up appearances, same maintenance drinking just to get by when I can't get drunk, same obsession, same lies, same fear of withdrawals, same blackout weekends etc, etc...
Your post that I quoted above, along with RAA and BTSO's quotes really hit home hard and true.
I wish you luck, I will be thinking about you. Perhaps there's hope for me.