Prayers for you NC.
I am hoping tomorrow is your day.
Maybe consider calling the AA hotline in your area, and asking for a sober member to contact you. Go to a meeting tomorrow. Get a sponsor. Read the book daily. Call others daily. Get out of the house daily. Get in the middle of recovered people. Create a strong network of sober people around you that will care about your sobriety.
I had this idea versus the "I'll look into AA if I fail" approach.
Quote...Noble Cause: "if that doesn't work, i'll go to aa."
Just skip that idea, and go straight for the help.
This is too hard to do alone, and we don't have to do it alone. We are the ones that self imprison. This is a disease of isolationism. Take action to save your life. I'll be thinking of you.