Originally Posted by
williamj 
I'm sorry, I'm not sure what "FOO" is... maybe shortened for fooL?
We are actually from Boston but don't live there currently... far from it. But we're heading home soon and I believe this is one of the ways my wife is pulling herself away from the situation and perhaps one of the few ways she feels she will have more control over not having to deal with his stuff on a daily basis. HOWEVER, now she's talking about us buying a duplex in MA so he can live next door and we can take care of him. I mean, if he gets kicked out of his place what else will we do with him but live next door? ACK!
Since my wife has power of attorney, we've been warned that if we know there's a problem with him and let him live by himself, SHE could be held responsible. Pardon me but... WTH? He won't feed himself, he hoards, and since he drinks so much and has caused himself mush for brains, he's incapable of living alone... but to take him with us? NO! Given his family history, he could live forever. His mother outlived her pacemaker by 5 years and lived to be 98 if that tells you anything! To those who don't know him well, he appears to be the nicest, most well-adjusted older gentleman. In private, he's a mean, belligerent drunk and there's no other way to put that.
I forgot to answer you earlier: The assisted living place will take him to the emergency room ONLY if there's no one else to do so or if it's a dire emergency. We've taken turns staying in the hospital room with him when he's there for days on end detoxing but no more (for me, anyway). He's a grown man and I believe needs to feel some kind of pull back as the result of what he's doing.
My wife says she has to talk to him at just the right time while I maintain NO time will ever be the right time. "Well, he'll just shut down..." Then to me he's been warned. Yes, he's still alive but he is no longer functioning in any sort of normal capacity so why should anyone expect him to make any decisions that will benefit anyone but himself? And right now those decisions are alcohol. Nothing more, nothing less. He is no longer in control or the boss of her. He's always been selfish but now it's just selfishness on a whole other level! It's hard to "quit" on anyone but come on - when does one demand they no longer be a slave to problems that are not of their doing? Breaaaaathe. Whew. I know, I know... in her own time.
Yeah, we need help. I will check out that book, thank you.
Hi,
FOO is family of origin-- but fool could be interchangable!
I think the power of attorney line you've been fed about how your wife could be held liable if he doesn't eat etc... is total crap. Who is saying that? Your wife (to justify enabling bc of fear?). I have power of attorney for my mom and she's certifiably mentally not well and during her last hospital stay I was told explicitly by the on staff psychiatrist treating her that I was to stop trying to save her from herself. So, I'd check into that if I were you.
And as for the assisted living place requiring one of you to take him to the ER if you're avaialble... I'd be looking for a new place. Why exactly can't they call 911 and have an ambulance transport him? There's no reason you need to be his babysitter. Sounds like the assisted living place is taking advantage of you guys.
The "I have to talk to him at the right time or else he'll shut down" line makes my skin crawl bc this is PRECISELY what my AH has said for years to justify why he never set limits with his family. He told me over and over that I needed to just adjust my standards (of how I'd accept being treated by his family) bc otherwise they'd distance themselves even more and he'd never be able to live with the guilt. I understand how infuriating that logic/excuse can be.
I'm sorry to hear what you're living with bc I know first hand how crazy making it is. I finally had to accept that just as my H couldn't let go of trying to fix his father, I was doing a similar thing with trying to help my H see how unhealthy he was. It was a different kind of obsessing but still unhealthy. It still hurts me sooooo much to see how my H is throwing his life away bc of his enmeshment with his FOO but after 8 yrs and 2 kids I realized that nothing I did or said was going to change the choices he made. I wish I'd read Codepedent no more earlier...
Hang in there-- glad you're here...