FIL tearing family apart - not sure how to support

Old 09-19-2011, 06:26 AM
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FIL tearing family apart - not sure how to support

Hello all - newbie here so thank you for your patience ahead of time.

One month after my wife and I married, we packed up our lives and moved to help take care of her alcoholic father. Three years later, not much has changed with my FIL... except that he drinks more.

A little background on FIL: He was a very abusive man to his family as well as a daily drinker. After his wife died of early onset Alzheimers, he did change - became a nicer man but carried much denial about his past without apologies or acknowledgement and ended up drinking more and more.

He has three kids: One of whom is still scared of him, one who could care less about him, and my wife - who continues to cater to his feelings - still walking on eggshells, if you will. No one, not even his own mother, would stand up to him or ever tell him he was wrong or acting badly so his narcissism to this day remains through the roof.

Six years later and he's drinking a minimum of 1.75 liters of vodka/day straight from the bottle but in true denial form, still insists he only has a few "jiggers." We have taken him to the emergency room for his falls and many other effects of his drinking so many times we've lost count. He's had numerous broken ribs, broken several pieces of glass furniture from his falls, torn his eyeball from its socket, bleeding ulcers, dislocated shoulders (yes, both), blood clots in his legs, lungs, and heart, stage 3 kidney disease, he has brain damage from the drinking... I truly could go on and on with health problems, many of which he has miraculously recovered from. We're beginning to think he's indestructible.


He's been to "recovery" programs a few times and each time he's charmed them (did I mention he was extremely manipulative?!) to where they tell HIM he's not an alcoholic.

After living with him for one year, doctors urged us to place him in an assisted living facility because he needed more help than we could give him. Even though he has brain damage, site problems, and balance problems, apparently no doctor can forbid him to drive so he's able to drive and obtain alcohol every day, even while at this assisted living facility.

He remained (mostly) sober for many months but has now gone back off the deep end. Three weeks in a row we've had to take him to the emergency room because of his drinking. And every time he gives the sob story of "I'm so stupid" and lies incessantly to the doctors about his drinking while still using his dead wife as an excuse to why he drinks. (I know that sounds cruel but there comes a point where you have to stop blaming and defaming your loved one so you can give excuses as to why you drink. While she was alive he was extremely abusive to her so I don't buy it one bit).

Last week we got a call at 10a that nurses at his home found him naked on his bed drunk off his ass and acting nuts. We're afraid they're going to kick him out (and rightfully so!) What are we going to do with him?

No one in his family will be straight up honest with him and it's SO frustrating! He has three cars and a house just sitting there rotting and when we initially came to him, he had spent over $100,000 on scams and Home Shopping items so my wife has had to take over his financials just to keep him afloat. My wife continuously tells him they need to talk about his future because he will need that money to survive but he and my wife casually talk about ideas and have for over a year. Nothing done and it does nothing but stress my wife out because she's trying to keep him from losing everything. To her credit, trying to have a conversation with him is akin to trying to speak to a dog in a room full of squirrels. It's impossible but at what point is it okay to tell him what he's got to do in order to survive financially?

My wife says she is finally to the point where she's tired of his alcoholism, lies, and the constant denial but still refuses to put her foot down to him directly and say, "ENOUGH!" Seeing that I am not related to the man, I've been done for a while but I do understand that every person has different timelines in their own realizations. When my wife and I argue, 9 out of 10 times it's about her father OR she's getting her anger out about her father on me. She's enough "done" that we're moving back to our home state (her suggestion) in a few months but there's still a lot to be done with her father before we leave.

I so want her to put that anger where it goes but I know that it cannot and should not be forced. We visit her father in the assisted living home every week and yesterday after our visit I told her I didn't want to see her father anymore because each time my own anger for what he's done to his family, AND MINE, coupled with the fact NO ONE will stand up to him, has taken its toll and I am 100% done. She freaked. She knows that I support her in every other way but says after a few weeks he will wonder why I'm not there and she worries how that will look... to HIM. I DON'T CARE how that "looks" to him. He's nothing to me but an abusive, lying, manipulative alcoholic who should have been put in jail years ago.

I'm tired of everyone dancing around the bushes with him. I'm tired of people treating him as if he's a sweet old frail man (because he most certainly is NOT). I'm tired of having to stop our lives to take him to the emergency room every single week just so he can lie and pretend he's a victim. I'm tired of him blaming everything and everyone around him. Still - it's my wife's father so it's not my place to stand up to him -- or is it? I don't know!


How do I continue to be supportive to her while maintaining my distance from him?

Yesterday I came very close to getting up in his face and telling him off. I know all of the reasons that is wrong but we've been doing this for three years and dropped our own newlywed lives, home, and jobs to take care of this person who simply DOES NOT CARE what happens outside of his own bubble. What will we do with him if he gets kicked out of his assisted living facility? We CANNOT live with him again - it will surely be the end of our marriage. I'm not looking for Al-non suggestions (she will not go and I do not ascribed to the *higher power* thing), rather, personal experience from people who are either friends or in-laws of the alcoholic.

How do you help your sober loved one while taking care of yourself?

Again, thanks so much for your help and your ears.
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Old 09-19-2011, 06:38 AM
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Hi William, and welcome to SR! I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but am glad you found us.

I have several suggestions for you. Read the "sticky" topics at the top of this forum and educate yourself on alcoholism. It is a family disease.

Check into local Alanon meetings for face-to-face support among those who understand. If your wife would be willing to go also, that would be an added bonus.

Get a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You can get used copies pretty cheap on Amazon.

You are seeing how alcoholism is progressive, and how much it has impacted the family members surrounding your FIL.

Please continue to post, ask questions, vent, whatever you need to do!

Again, welcome, and sending you hugs of support!
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Old 09-19-2011, 06:57 AM
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WilliamJ, I'm am sorry you have to be going through this and to be honest I have no experience to offer on this.

However I will offer some experience on Al-Anon. I am an atheist and I find Al-Anon to be extremely helpful. I have moved from being someone who was in a very dark place to someone who now is well centered, happy and enjoying life. My bad days now are almost as good as my good days were then. Don't get hung up on the higher power thing, it doesn't have to be god. For me my higher power is my inner wisdom, the non verbal part of my mind and the wisdom of the group. I could not do this by myself but with the strength of the group I can manage it and manage it well.

What I have gotten is tools that allow me to accept reality for what it is, accept that i can not change other people and accept that I can change how I choose to react to what is happening around me and my attitudes. I didn't need god to do this but I did need the support of the group. Think of it as really cheap group therapy for people who have an issue with alcoholism in their life.

Try reading Codependent No More. It has a ton of information in it as well.

Work your recovery and the rest will fall into place even if it isn't the place you think it should be.

Your friend,
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:34 AM
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I'm not looking for Al-non suggestions (she will not go and I do not ascribed to the *higher power* thing)

Hi. I finally went to Alanon knowing that the Higher Power thing would be an issue, but I knew I needed something and I didn't know what else to do. I had heard go to 6 meetings before you decide, which was good because I certainly could have easily quit after the first 3. Then I started to notice the others in the room had an ease that I didn't have, and I noticed that I felt better after each meeting.

There is something comforting to have people nodding in empathy and knowledge to things that would have my "normie" friends aghast.

I've finally acknowledged to my group that I had no Higher Power after about 4 months and I expected to be asked to leave. They were warm and supporting. In my group about one third don't have a Higher Power. Some refer to the group as their HP, some refer to nature, some refer to Good Orderly Direction. I would guess I fall into the nature camp, if I had to explain it.

Sometimes the discussion does get a little heavy on the HP focus, but I always leave a meeting with some nugget for me to digest and learn from.

I came across the secular 12 steps and now when Alanon is discussing their steps, I often in my mind refer to the matching secular step.

I guess I am saying, in a long roundabout way, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, and it is a really good free group therapy session with a focus on the effects of alcoholism. Lots find or strengthen their relationship with their Higher Power, and there are those of us that don't.

Forgive me for ignoring your "no Alanon" request. This is the only E,S & H I can offer you for this situation.

Wishing you and your wife well.
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:38 AM
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Hi,
Your story is mine; except that I'm the wife of a husband with a father just like your FIL. And my husband is an alcoholic (his way of coping with the fact that he's the child (one of 3 kids) who caters to the needs of a dysfunctional father and mother).

My anger at AH's family was (and still is I supposed) intense. I fully understand the frustration of walking around the elephant in the room, being expected to cater to the needs of someone who is sucking the life out of all around him and resenting what it does to your own family.

My only suggestion is for you to detach from her family. Chances are this will cause more strain and I imagine that you will always be the bad guy in her family's eyes bc you will be the one unwilling to play the enabling game. When I stepped back and stopped enabling my MIL and FIL along with my H, it made things worse between he and I.

We are now separated (for many reasons) and he is still addicted to his family and is getting dragged down with them.

My FIL and AH are both charming (at times), excessively manipulative and demanding and will take and take and take for as long as people are willing to give. Setting limits with either of them sets off a storm of fury and I've been blamed for all that is wrong with AH's family and my own family bc I stopped playing enabler. It hurts, it sucks and it's inevitable.

I had to decide finally that it was either me and our kids or AH and his family. I thought that all of us could co-exist and be healthy/happy and tried to make it work and it didn't and never will. Alcoholics take hostages and your wife and you are hostage to her father.

You can't wait for your wife to agree that you don't want to visit her father anymore. Just tell her you won't visit him. You have that right.

If he's in assisted living, why do you guys have to take him to the emergency room? The more you can step back, not interact with him, deal with his problems or try to make him change, the happier you'll be.

Just be prepared for guilt, blame, probably anger from your wife... But from the experience of someone who tried this for 8 yrs, I can tell you that nothing but detachment (emotional and physical) is going to keep you sane.

I really hope your marriage survives this. There's nothing more toxic than a child of an alcoholic who can't see how enmeshed they are with their family of origin (I guess it's no different than being a spouse of an alcoholic and being enmeshed too). Long before my H's drinking took off, his sick enmeshment with his mom and dad caused a crater sized divide between us and fractured our marriage beyond repair years ago.

I hope you have a happier ending.
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:02 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Alcoholics take hostages and your wife and you are hostage to her father.
YES! That's it in a nutshell.

We actually have had a wonderful relationship outside of the AFIL. We're best friends and have known each other for over 12 years but the majority of our married relationship has been spent tending to this guy who will never accept responsibility for himself and will not get sober.

We've been to counseling, we try to keep communication open between us but when she becomes so stressed about her father, it ends up taking a toll on our relationship.

It does feel like enabling when I personally have to sit there with tight lips to both my wife and her AF. On one hand she's a saint for putting up with him. On the other hand, she has been taken in, as you say, as his hostage! She's worried she will not have done enough for him and doesn't want to feel guilty about it for the rest of her life but believe me when I say she has done WAY more than her fair share for him.

One sibling helps here and there but the other could care less. My wife has been better about relinquishing some of the burden onto the one sibling but maintains most of the control... which is a whole other issue.

She refuses to go to AA or even back to a therapist. And while I applaud the person above who is an atheist and thinks of his higher power as something other than god, where we live AA makes no bones about making sure it is a christian god you are praying to and should pray to. Absolutely nothing wrong with that as everyone has their own beliefs, they just don't happen to be mine but I do see that there are alternative groups to AA that I may try.

Still, I do not feel like it is wrong for me to say, "no more!" when it comes to placating my wife's AF. it doesn't mean I don't support her, it means that i no longer support him. Am I wrong in this thinking? Am I missing something?
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by williamj View Post
Still, I do not feel like it is wrong for me to say, "no more!" when it comes to placating my wife's AF. it doesn't mean I don't support her, it means that i no longer support him. Am I wrong in this thinking? Am I missing something?
No you are not wrong in your thinking.

I have two very dysfunctional parents, and to put it simply, I don't placate. I have spoken my mind more than once, which usually results in the silent treatment from them, and that's on them, not me.

Life's too short to live all knotted up placating someone, even a relative!
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Life's too short to live all knotted up placating someone, even a relative!
Agreed. I finally had to mourn the death of my parents even though they are still alive and have not spoken to them in over 6 years. I feel if I see the AFIL for much longer I will say something I may regret and really, it may not be my place to say anything except for, "Your alcoholism is ruining MY family, too." To wit, he will bring on his "poor me" and "I've ruined everything" sob stories and that will only anger me more and solve nothing. We've seen it too many times before.

And as far as partners go, yes, mine drinks every night, too (doesn't get drunk). It doesn't worry me too much now and we've had conversations about it but who knows if it will become a problem in the future? I certainly hope not. She is truly an amazing woman whom I am in love with and it would be tragic to see her follow in her father's footsteps.
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:22 AM
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William,

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Not him, not her. To be honest it's not your job to manage their lives or to make them happy. Happiness is an inside job. What you are interested in is Al-Anon not AA. They are different organizations with different perspectives and from what I understand very different flavors. Al-Anon is like this forum, it is for the friends and family of alcoholics.

Try more than one meeting. I went to 5 or 6 until I found my best fit. I currently go to to different meetings which I like very much. There may be other support groups such as codependents anonymous which could be a help also. Maybe you could try just going and not participating. Both meetings I attend open with the serenity prayer, which btw is very good. I just don't say god and mean the rest. They close with the lord's prayer. I say it but to me I treat is as cultural thing rather than religious. Just saying the prayer doesn't mean you believe it and the good I get from the meetings far outweighs any issues I have about saying the lord's prayer.

Before I went to Al-Anon I spent a lot of time here reading and posting. This is a very good place to pick up experience, strength and hope.

In my experience working on myself, working on my detachment and working on accepting that I don't have control over anything except how I choose to react to what is happening to me has been a great help in letting me be centered and happy again.

Another thing to remember is one of the Al-Anon sayings is "Take what you want and leave the rest.". Good advice whether you are at a meeting or reading posts here.

Your friend,
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:42 AM
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Ah man... a lot to think about, huh? Admittedly, I do have a really hard time getting past the whole HP thing. Having been raised in a very strict religious home, I am also battling with my own thoughts on religion and I can tell you, "let go and let god" does not fly well with me at all right now. It doesn't mean I demean others for doing so and it doesn't mean I can't try other means of support

I will definitely keep reading the boards. As many different stories and personalities as there are here, they are all very much the same. I thank you for taking the time to read and respond.
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:55 AM
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Originally Posted by williamj View Post
Ah man... a lot to think about, huh? Admittedly, I do have a really hard time getting past the whole HP thing. Having been raised in a very strict religious home, I am also battling with my own thoughts on religion and I can tell you, "let go and let god" does not fly well with me at all right now. It doesn't mean I demean others for doing so and it doesn't mean I can't try other means of support
I was raised in a strict Catholic home, and left religion by the wayside many many years ago.

That doesn't exclude me from finding spirituality through a higher power.

Religion is man-made to impress God. Spirituality is God-given.

I started out viewing the group as my HP, much as Mike speaks of.

Eventually I came to find an HP who is NOT the God I was raised with in the Catholic religion.

I don't know if this helps, but just wanted to share!
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Old 09-19-2011, 09:39 AM
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Originally Posted by williamj View Post
YES! That's it in a nutshell.

Still, I do not feel like it is wrong for me to say, "no more!" when it comes to placating my wife's AF. it doesn't mean I don't support her, it means that i no longer support him. Am I wrong in this thinking? Am I missing something?
There's nothing wrong with that at all (in my opinion!). She may feel you're not supporting her bc you won't enable him but that's her issue to address. Codependent No More is really an eye opening book that you and your wife could probably get a lot out of. I didn't find it 12 step oriented and so that might be appealing to you and she?

Sadly, for as long as the FOO has it's claw hooked into one part of a couple (in an unhealthy way that is) you can do all the right things under the sun to improve your r/s but it's still going to be negatively impacted by the FOO.

I live near your geographic area as well and I swear if I didn't know better I'd think your wife was my SIL (except she's not married!) bc your FIL sounds soooooo similar to mine. I feel your pain!

Hang in there. And absolutely separate yourself from FIL and don't feel guilty for doing so. You're taking care of you-- that's what has to come first before you can help anyone else.
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Old 09-19-2011, 10:15 AM
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I'm sorry, I'm not sure what "FOO" is... maybe shortened for fooL? We are actually from Boston but don't live there currently... far from it. But we're heading home soon and I believe this is one of the ways my wife is pulling herself away from the situation and perhaps one of the few ways she feels she will have more control over not having to deal with his stuff on a daily basis. HOWEVER, now she's talking about us buying a duplex in MA so he can live next door and we can take care of him. I mean, if he gets kicked out of his place what else will we do with him but live next door? ACK!

Since my wife has power of attorney, we've been warned that if we know there's a problem with him and let him live by himself, SHE could be held responsible. Pardon me but... WTH? He won't feed himself, he hoards, and since he drinks so much and has caused himself mush for brains, he's incapable of living alone... but to take him with us? NO! Given his family history, he could live forever. His mother outlived her pacemaker by 5 years and lived to be 98 if that tells you anything! To those who don't know him well, he appears to be the nicest, most well-adjusted older gentleman. In private, he's a mean, belligerent drunk and there's no other way to put that.

I forgot to answer you earlier: The assisted living place will take him to the emergency room ONLY if there's no one else to do so or if it's a dire emergency. We've taken turns staying in the hospital room with him when he's there for days on end detoxing but no more (for me, anyway). He's a grown man and I believe needs to feel some kind of pull back as the result of what he's doing.

My wife says she has to talk to him at just the right time while I maintain NO time will ever be the right time. "Well, he'll just shut down..." Then to me he's been warned. Yes, he's still alive but he is no longer functioning in any sort of normal capacity so why should anyone expect him to make any decisions that will benefit anyone but himself? And right now those decisions are alcohol. Nothing more, nothing less. He is no longer in control or the boss of her. He's always been selfish but now it's just selfishness on a whole other level! It's hard to "quit" on anyone but come on - when does one demand they no longer be a slave to problems that are not of their doing? Breaaaaathe. Whew. I know, I know... in her own time.

Yeah, we need help. I will check out that book, thank you.
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Old 09-19-2011, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by williamj View Post
I'm sorry, I'm not sure what "FOO" is... maybe shortened for fooL? We are actually from Boston but don't live there currently... far from it. But we're heading home soon and I believe this is one of the ways my wife is pulling herself away from the situation and perhaps one of the few ways she feels she will have more control over not having to deal with his stuff on a daily basis. HOWEVER, now she's talking about us buying a duplex in MA so he can live next door and we can take care of him. I mean, if he gets kicked out of his place what else will we do with him but live next door? ACK!

Since my wife has power of attorney, we've been warned that if we know there's a problem with him and let him live by himself, SHE could be held responsible. Pardon me but... WTH? He won't feed himself, he hoards, and since he drinks so much and has caused himself mush for brains, he's incapable of living alone... but to take him with us? NO! Given his family history, he could live forever. His mother outlived her pacemaker by 5 years and lived to be 98 if that tells you anything! To those who don't know him well, he appears to be the nicest, most well-adjusted older gentleman. In private, he's a mean, belligerent drunk and there's no other way to put that.

I forgot to answer you earlier: The assisted living place will take him to the emergency room ONLY if there's no one else to do so or if it's a dire emergency. We've taken turns staying in the hospital room with him when he's there for days on end detoxing but no more (for me, anyway). He's a grown man and I believe needs to feel some kind of pull back as the result of what he's doing.

My wife says she has to talk to him at just the right time while I maintain NO time will ever be the right time. "Well, he'll just shut down..." Then to me he's been warned. Yes, he's still alive but he is no longer functioning in any sort of normal capacity so why should anyone expect him to make any decisions that will benefit anyone but himself? And right now those decisions are alcohol. Nothing more, nothing less. He is no longer in control or the boss of her. He's always been selfish but now it's just selfishness on a whole other level! It's hard to "quit" on anyone but come on - when does one demand they no longer be a slave to problems that are not of their doing? Breaaaaathe. Whew. I know, I know... in her own time.

Yeah, we need help. I will check out that book, thank you.
Hi,
FOO is family of origin-- but fool could be interchangable!

I think the power of attorney line you've been fed about how your wife could be held liable if he doesn't eat etc... is total crap. Who is saying that? Your wife (to justify enabling bc of fear?). I have power of attorney for my mom and she's certifiably mentally not well and during her last hospital stay I was told explicitly by the on staff psychiatrist treating her that I was to stop trying to save her from herself. So, I'd check into that if I were you.

And as for the assisted living place requiring one of you to take him to the ER if you're avaialble... I'd be looking for a new place. Why exactly can't they call 911 and have an ambulance transport him? There's no reason you need to be his babysitter. Sounds like the assisted living place is taking advantage of you guys.

The "I have to talk to him at the right time or else he'll shut down" line makes my skin crawl bc this is PRECISELY what my AH has said for years to justify why he never set limits with his family. He told me over and over that I needed to just adjust my standards (of how I'd accept being treated by his family) bc otherwise they'd distance themselves even more and he'd never be able to live with the guilt. I understand how infuriating that logic/excuse can be.

I'm sorry to hear what you're living with bc I know first hand how crazy making it is. I finally had to accept that just as my H couldn't let go of trying to fix his father, I was doing a similar thing with trying to help my H see how unhealthy he was. It was a different kind of obsessing but still unhealthy. It still hurts me sooooo much to see how my H is throwing his life away bc of his enmeshment with his FOO but after 8 yrs and 2 kids I realized that nothing I did or said was going to change the choices he made. I wish I'd read Codepedent no more earlier...

Hang in there-- glad you're here...
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Old 09-19-2011, 10:45 AM
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So much good advice here I don't think I can add any wisdom, just to say I can't believe how patient you have been already with the massive disruption this has caused to your family life. Given that your FIL is such a bully I think I would have confronted him before now-has no-one ever stood up to him? But of course all the wisdom on here quite rightly points to detachment as the way forward.
Wishing you all the best.
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Old 09-19-2011, 12:05 PM
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Welcome to SR William. I can't really add much to what's already been posted here, but I did want to say thanks for cracking me up today!

Originally Posted by williamj View Post
trying to have a conversation with him is akin to trying to speak to a dog in a room full of squirrels.
L
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Old 09-19-2011, 12:25 PM
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A home nurse told me personally about my wife being responsible if anything happens to him and yes, it scared the bejebus out of me because it would be that after all he's put his family through, they would be the ones going to jail for supposed "neglect."

He puts on a show for everyone anyway saying that we threw him in a home and won't let him drive. We can't force him not to drive but one of the times we insisted he not drive he said, "Well why don't you just take me out back and shoot me!" A real victim, that one.

Painterman, no. No one has ever stood up to the man. His mother, until her death, even made him a saint. Up until now they've been afraid of him. They have that thing that no matter what, he's their father. Unconditional love is one thing but he's trained them all to obey and live with it so there are no boundaries when it comes to him getting what HE needs.

Wow, even with the previous therapy my wife and I have had I didn't realize how angry I've become at the AFIL and the situation he's put everyone into. And even though I am so sorry for everyone here who has been through this, I must say the similarities of situations is uncanny, so it does feel somewhat relieving to know we're not the only ones going through this. Thank you everyone. Thank you so much.
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Old 09-19-2011, 12:40 PM
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I pity the FOO!

WilliamJ, I get what you mean about the higher power thing. I never went to al-anon meetings, for that and other reasons, but I have done a bit of reading and the stuff about "detachment" has really helped me. (My husband is alcoholic.)

So maybe some therapy/reading for your wife along those lines? The hardest thing is that alcoholism perverts the natural urge to help loved ones. There's the question of will at the heart of alcoholism, so that unless he has the will to stop, all her efforts to help will be futile.

You sound like you've got a good handle on it all--strong boundaries, a good BS detector. For all that you and your wife argue about it, I bet on some level she's grateful to have that sanity-check. Because yeah, your future together is more important than some old nut who's out to kill himself in the most long, drawn-out, obnoxious way possible.

And you're right: if he moves in with you, or if you guys buy property solely in order to live next door to him, then the marriage is over. That's not an ultimatum, that's a fact. She knows this too, even if she's not quite ready to say it.
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Old 09-19-2011, 12:43 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by williamj View Post
A home nurse told me personally about my wife being responsible if anything happens to him and yes, it scared the bejebus out of me because it would be that after all he's put his family through, they would be the ones going to jail for supposed "neglect."
That's not what power of attorney means. The nurse was either misinformed or trying to guilt you into not asking too much of their at-home nursing services. Nuts to that.
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Old 09-19-2011, 12:50 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by williamj View Post
Wow, even with the previous therapy my wife and I have had I didn't realize how angry I've become at the AFIL and the situation he's put everyone into. And even though I am so sorry for everyone here who has been through this, I must say the similarities of situations is uncanny, so it does feel somewhat relieving to know we're not the only ones going through this. Thank you everyone. Thank you so much.
Anger is completely normal. When I first moved out on my wife of 36 years I used to enjoy watching the Hulk cartoons on netflix. He'd go into one of his rages and tear everything apart and I'd sit there and think, you call that a rage, wimp.

The part where you talk about the situation he has put everyone in. Nope, he didn't do it. You all chose to react the way you did and you can just as easily choose not to react. Next time he needs a ride to the hospital call 911 and let them take him. You don't have to sit with him, you don't even have to visit. Doesn't mean you have to hate him or anything, all it means is you don't have to react to his behavior.

It was a hard lesson for me to learn but it made a world of difference when I realized that I didn't have to react. Let go and let nature take its own course. (Notice I didn't use god there.) It's not like you have any control so why are you volunteering to assume responsibility?

Just a little something to think about.

Your friend,
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