WilliamJ, I'm am sorry you have to be going through this and to be honest I have no experience to offer on this.
However I will offer some experience on Al-Anon. I am an atheist and I find Al-Anon to be extremely helpful. I have moved from being someone who was in a very dark place to someone who now is well centered, happy and enjoying life. My bad days now are almost as good as my good days were then. Don't get hung up on the higher power thing, it doesn't have to be god. For me my higher power is my inner wisdom, the non verbal part of my mind and the wisdom of the group. I could not do this by myself but with the strength of the group I can manage it and manage it well.
What I have gotten is tools that allow me to accept reality for what it is, accept that i can not change other people and accept that I can change how I choose to react to what is happening around me and my attitudes. I didn't need god to do this but I did need the support of the group. Think of it as really cheap group therapy for people who have an issue with alcoholism in their life.
Try reading Codependent No More. It has a ton of information in it as well.
Work your recovery and the rest will fall into place even if it isn't the place you think it should be.
Your friend,