KittyCopes

My husband has been out of state for rehab (voluntary) since Monday. He is not coming home for another month. I can only talk to him for a few minutes each day, and the calls are monitored on his end, and so the conversations end up being small talk...basically I wait 23 hours and 55 minutes to talk to him for 5 minutes, and then I'm in tears for an hour afterwards because I feel more alone than before.

He says the program is going well, he seems to be accepting (finally) that he is an alcoholic and that he needs to stay sober. I'm cautiously optimistic.

Here's the hard part: I'm also feeling very resentful, and then I feel guilty for feeling resentful. I know rehab is hard work. I've talked with his counselor, and I understand that he's not sitting in the sun all day doing nothing. But...I'm home, looking at a house that is messier than it has ever been, a yard full of leaves, and kids and pets that need to be taken care of. I work at home, so have some flexibility, but this week I've accomplished nothing, and I've spent a lot of time crying and feeling lost. We are paying for this program, so there's financial pressure on top of everything else.

My support system is very small, and at this point it isn't working. The friends who know are supportive, but no one except my AH can give me what I crave, which is reassurance that he loves me, that he is serious about correcting this problem, and that he is sorry that he lied to me 100 times and put us in the precarious financial situation we're in. I want an explanation from him for the times he lied to me, the times he chose to drink over me, and for how he could stupidly and self-destructively keep drinking when he had help and support available to him.

He called tonight and sounded good, upbeat, even. He asks how I am, but I know the call is timed and so I can't begin to answer, so it feels (to me) like he doesn't care. I end up saying things like "I'm great, really great." but I know he's not buying it and it isn't close to true.

I know I should be thrilled he is focused on sobriety, but I'm fearful of losing him to meetings and sponsors and 12-step meetings just like I lost him to alcohol. He talks about going to meetings and relating to people finally and talking with his roommate at rehab and getting a sponsor and I question why it is that he couldn't talk to me and I feel -- this is bizarre -- jealous and insulted that I was never able to get through to him, and yet some guy he met 4 days ago seems to be making progress. We used to be so close and now I feel this distance between us...I cannot really understand this disease, and I'm hurt about things that happened that I don't even think he remembers.

He's off getting healthy, and I feel like I'm home, getting worse.

I've been to Al-Anon, but it is hard to go because of kid schedules; I went last Tuesday, but I can't go this coming week or the next week during that time. It does seem to help. I'm struggling with the concept of "detachment" because right now all I want to to is attach, attach, attach to my AH and hold on for dear life.

The rehab sent home a family packet, and what I learned from it was I was doing everything wrong. I was enabling with a capital E. Wow. I don't seem to fit the codependent mode, but one thing I realize is this problem was dismantling our lives long before I recognized it for what it is. Hindsight is 20/20 and now on top of feeling hurt, I feel stupid.

I've been reading a lot here, and it is so helpful and so scary. Does anyone have some positive "my spouse went to rehab and it turned out okay for us" stories? I'm feeling like I'm never going to get out of this rut. I cry all the time and cannot sleep. I miss my husband, but I also am so angry at him -- angrier than I realized before he left. For months and months I've been so focused on saving him from himself that I didn't have time to get mad. Now that I have time, it seems too late. And I can't even let it out to him, since we can't talk, and it feels wrong to put this all in a letter and send it to him at rehab when he's finally working hard on sobriety.

Any suggestions/thoughts/anything except telling me to pick up and leave while I can would be welcome and appreciated.

Sorry this is a rambling mess. I'm basically a rambling mess right now.

Kitty.