KittyCopes

My husband has been out of state for rehab (voluntary) since Monday. He is not coming home for another month. I can only talk to him for a few minutes each day, and the calls are monitored on his end, and so the conversations end up being small talk...basically I wait 23 hours and 55 minutes to talk to him for 5 minutes, and then I'm in tears for an hour afterwards because I feel more alone than before.

He says the program is going well, he seems to be accepting (finally) that he is an alcoholic and that he needs to stay sober. I'm cautiously optimistic.

Here's the hard part: I'm also feeling very resentful, and then I feel guilty for feeling resentful. I know rehab is hard work. I've talked with his counselor, and I understand that he's not sitting in the sun all day doing nothing. But...I'm home, looking at a house that is messier than it has ever been, a yard full of leaves, and kids and pets that need to be taken care of. I work at home, so have some flexibility, but this week I've accomplished nothing, and I've spent a lot of time crying and feeling lost. We are paying for this program, so there's financial pressure on top of everything else.

My support system is very small, and at this point it isn't working. The friends who know are supportive, but no one except my AH can give me what I crave, which is reassurance that he loves me, that he is serious about correcting this problem, and that he is sorry that he lied to me 100 times and put us in the precarious financial situation we're in. I want an explanation from him for the times he lied to me, the times he chose to drink over me, and for how he could stupidly and self-destructively keep drinking when he had help and support available to him.

He called tonight and sounded good, upbeat, even. He asks how I am, but I know the call is timed and so I can't begin to answer, so it feels (to me) like he doesn't care. I end up saying things like "I'm great, really great." but I know he's not buying it and it isn't close to true.

I know I should be thrilled he is focused on sobriety, but I'm fearful of losing him to meetings and sponsors and 12-step meetings just like I lost him to alcohol. He talks about going to meetings and relating to people finally and talking with his roommate at rehab and getting a sponsor and I question why it is that he couldn't talk to me and I feel -- this is bizarre -- jealous and insulted that I was never able to get through to him, and yet some guy he met 4 days ago seems to be making progress. We used to be so close and now I feel this distance between us...I cannot really understand this disease, and I'm hurt about things that happened that I don't even think he remembers.

He's off getting healthy, and I feel like I'm home, getting worse.

I've been to Al-Anon, but it is hard to go because of kid schedules; I went last Tuesday, but I can't go this coming week or the next week during that time. It does seem to help. I'm struggling with the concept of "detachment" because right now all I want to to is attach, attach, attach to my AH and hold on for dear life.

The rehab sent home a family packet, and what I learned from it was I was doing everything wrong. I was enabling with a capital E. Wow. I don't seem to fit the codependent mode, but one thing I realize is this problem was dismantling our lives long before I recognized it for what it is. Hindsight is 20/20 and now on top of feeling hurt, I feel stupid.

I've been reading a lot here, and it is so helpful and so scary. Does anyone have some positive "my spouse went to rehab and it turned out okay for us" stories? I'm feeling like I'm never going to get out of this rut. I cry all the time and cannot sleep. I miss my husband, but I also am so angry at him -- angrier than I realized before he left. For months and months I've been so focused on saving him from himself that I didn't have time to get mad. Now that I have time, it seems too late. And I can't even let it out to him, since we can't talk, and it feels wrong to put this all in a letter and send it to him at rehab when he's finally working hard on sobriety.

Any suggestions/thoughts/anything except telling me to pick up and leave while I can would be welcome and appreciated.

Sorry this is a rambling mess. I'm basically a rambling mess right now.

Kitty.

marie1960

Kitty, I do not have any experience with rehab. I do believe you are entitled to every one of your emotions. You have lived through so much chaos, it's only natural to be frustrated, angry, and sad. Afterall you are home taking care of "everything".

Keep posting, we are here for you. You are not alone. Hugs))))

CagedBird

I would suggest Al-Anon. It is a pretty amazing feeling being in a room where EVERYONE has been where you are.

Don't feel guilty for how you feel. You have the right. You've been through a lot.

Take care of yourself.

winnie1202

I have posted some of my story on here a couple of weeks ago.

My husband is also in rehab and I too am full of resentment for the mess he left us in. I have one teenager at home and one in college. His union is paying for the rehab but when he left, suddenly (he fell off the wagon from hie outpatient program and his union wouldn't let him come back to work unitl he finishes this program) he left us with no $$$ coming in. My mother and sister generously lent me money to pay day-to-day bills but his drinking over the last year has done a number to our cash flow. I have a job but we need both of us. I made many phone calls to rearrange payments and also met with a bankruptcy attorney and it looks like we will be filing Chapter 13 to save the house. This is all while he is sitting in rehab and unlike yourself I get one call a week. I can request a call if it is financial or legal but it is monitored so the call is nothing more than that.

Although I am paralyzed at times with stress I realize that this is stress that I can control not like the stress caused by a drunk husband careening around the house causing chaos. I have taken charge of my destiny by cleaning up the financial mess and acknowledging that if he does not do the program when he comes out and relapses he is gone. It is that simple now. That is what I have learned during "my" 28 day program.

I try and get to Alanon but like yourself finding the time is very difficult with work, second job, daughter activities and although I find Alanon helpful I don't find it as awe inspiring as others. Just my opinion. I did learn about detachment with love and if I don't take anything else from Alanon that made it worth it for me.

You are in my thoughts as I can completely relate to your experiences.

danielleinto

hi kitty, you've got alot on your plate right now. Like Marie I don't have any experience with rehab. I would imagine though that if your husband chose to go he is at least motivated. The rage you're feeling is normal and you're not stupid.

Try to get some one-on-one counselling preferably with a counsellor who is familiar with addiction. You need someone who will be there just for you. It's tough to hear that you're supposed to be supportive when all of those mixed emotions are churning inside of you. I can't give you a success story from my end and no one can tell you how this will play out. I do know that even if he stays quit you have a long road ahead of you. If alanon is a good thing for you then go. Do they have baby-sitting for the families attending the meetings? The child care issue must keep alot of young moms away.

I separate my husband's issues from my issues. There are days that I say something about the way he eats for example and then realize that I wasted my breath. He's a grown man and he has eyes that see what he's eating. That goes for anything he does. I work on getting myself healthy, people can offer input as to what it takes to get healthy but no one can do it for me. Take care.....

danielleinto

(((Kitty and Winnie))) hugs

BobbyJ

Husband in rehab
Wife with major anger issues

Read my first couple of post that I wrote - Your NOT alone!

I was so angry that in family day, I told his counselor, that I would set him on fire
if he ever drank again....The entire room of people stared at me and I really
didnt care. I was angry. Beyond angry. And almost 9 months later, I still have
angry days.

It's okay, your human, your going to have ALOT of feelings come at you.
Im sure you have ALOT of feelings bottled up inside of you, that have been there
for years. It takes time, they will fly out and surprise you, how much you really
have. Its just begun!!

If you dont have time for Alanon. I understand. But really try to make the meetings.
Try to read on here as much as you can.
He is getting educated and you need to do the same!!!!!!
Read, Read, Read....Educate yourself...."THE PARTY HAS JUST STARTED"
Prepare yourself for when he gets home. It is a big adjustment for both
of you. (this may vary too, depending on how much yours drank & the history
behind your marriage)

To be very honest with you & to save you from alot of grief
Rehab is NOT a magic cure! So dont get your expectations up,
like I did. Mine came out of a 28 day rehab @ $10,000.
Began to drink right away. Packed up and moved away, thinking
it was this town and me, that makes him drink..

He is and ALWAYS will be an alcoholic. It is HIS choice to be drunk or sober.
Not mine and Not yours. It is THEIR CHOICE!!

Just like it is your choice, to take a shower everyday

Enjoy your time home alone without his drunken ways.
It is tough, but dont forget how tough it is, when they are drunk & mean.

Alanon will throw alot at you. Along with post like mine.,,,lol
Dont let the pressures of understanding it all over night, like I did.
It DOES NOT come all overnight!!!
It is a day by day process. Soak in what you can for one day or one minute.

I thought my husband was going to be different than the rest of these
husbands on here.....I set myself up for heart ache.....He is an alcoholic!

Sometimes we learn to live in so much denial, that when we have to face
the facts..it sucks crap...He is an alcoholic, plain and simple....

It is his choice to get sober and stay sober
It is your choice to get help or stay sick

Stick to Alanon or on this site....More than likely your friends and family have NO clue about addicition! *That means your rowing your boat backwards*..
Go forward and get some help for you....Love Yourself!!!!!!

mattmathews

I'm at the 17 month mark--post rehab. I appreciate the fact that I'm lucky in that respect. Things are going well, and I'm very proud of my recovering AW and her progress. But it has been hard work on both our parts. She's working her program of recovery and I'm working mine. We're learned a lot about ourselves and each other. We've both struggled. Honestly, after the drinking stops, the real work begins.
Rather than seeing us walking the same path side by side, hand in hand into the sunset...I see us as being on two separate paths that keep criss-crossing each other. We're happy (now) for those times when they do, but we are still very much on separate paths.
You feel resentful, and you feel guilty about that? When my wife went into rehab, one of the counselors said "Maybe you'll get back the woman that you married." And my very honest reaction to that was "What if I don't want her back?" I was soooo done with the whole life I'd been living.
But I stuck it out for some reason (that's my disease). I went to family therapy, I started going to two Al-Anon meeting a week. After she got out of rehab we started marriage counseling. I had a lot of resentment. I had things I wanted to say. At first I was afraid of making her feel bad, but when figured out that she wasn't going to break...I kind of started blurting out what I was really thinking and feeling.
It wasn't easy. Sometimes she felt like crap, sometimes I felt like crap. Sometimes, her feeling like crap made me feel like crap.
One of the counselors taught me that alcoholism is a disease. In my counselor's example, alcoholism was like a parasite wrapped around my wife. Something about that image somehow let me forgive my wife. Just like you wouldn't blame a cancer patient for having cancer, I was able to not blame my wife for having alcoholism. Because I felt just like you did...I felt like she had chosen the bottle over me. I later realized that she had very little control over her compulsions. She was just doing what addict's do.
Your husband is going to come home and he's going to be facing a real life and death struggle to maintain his sobriety. If he does what they tell him he should do, he'll be out of the house for 90 days in a row going to AA meetings. He's going to be spending more time with his sponsor than he is with you. He's going to start off feeling like a new man...and that's going to wear off and he's going to struggle.
The best thing you can do, if you want to help him, is to start working on your own recovery. Find an Al-Anon meeting, and recognize that your life, or at least your future, may depend on making it to regular meetings.
Work on that whole detachment thing and recognize that your husband can't make you happy. Happiness comes from the inside, not the outside. You'll learn the rest as you go along. Fake it till you make it.
Like I said, it's hard work. But...it's worth it. Good luck to you. And keep coming back!

akrasia

Hey, I think this was really eloquent and thoughtful. You're a really good writer and you're clearly giving this a lot of consideration.

I like especially what you write about really craving some kind of assurance from your husband. That's what happens when someone we love hurts us--that's why kids keep coming back to abusive parents, etc. We just think, "Surely you didn't mean to hurt me--surely you'll wake up and snap out of it and we'll go back to the happy times!"

I absolutely feel what you're saying about wanting to "attach attach attach." And this is where I really disagree with the al-anon emphasis on "codependence" and "you're just as sick as he is." BALONEY. You want to "attach" and help out your husband because you're a decent person, and that's what we do when a loved one is struggling--we do everything we can to help. Don't let anyone tell you you're "sick" or somehow deserve to be in this crappy situation because you initially tried to help him out of it and keep things peaceful at home, for the sake of your family.

The hard thing to recognise is that alcoholism isn't like any other "illness"--it's not like cancer, for instance, when someone can get treated and hopefully progress in a relatively straightforward way. There is a question of will at the heart of alcoholism, and someone has to decide for himself that he wants to get better. That may or may not happen with him, I'm sad to say.

It's also unlike any other betrayal in a marriage--I mean, if he'd cheated on you or embezzled from your work or something, you could just decide for yourself, "Okay, we'll talk it out and move on," or you'd say, "It's too much--we're through." With the alcoholism crap, it's like, "Okay, it sort of was and wasn't his fault. We'll do this big expensive treatment--and then it will get better. Or not." It's all so weird and uncertain.

I have to say, the idea of "detachment" helped me so so much. As you can imagine, I just kept thinking, "But surely--we love each other so much--we have so much together--we'll get through this--I just have to figure out what to do! Yes, yes, yes, I believe in us!" But when I realized that he would drink no matter what, and it had nothing to do with me, it helped me feel more peaceful inside.

Peaceful but sadder, to be honest. Because all the struggling and pleading I went through with him were the terminal stages of hope.

wanttobehealthy

You have every right to feel everything you're feeling. I supported my AH through 2 rounds of intensive outpatient rehab. He was a non-existant father during that time and I was burning the candle at both ends to be mom and dad to our young kids, make it to family night, etc... And AH didn't take recovery seriously either time. So, I understand resentment!

Wouldn't it be nice if insurance covered rehab for spouses of alcoholics? The A could stay home and do a boot camp version of "life on life's terms" while we went and had therapy and were handled with kid gloves (bc in my experience addiction counselors and rehabs think that the way to "treat" an addict is to be gentle with them since they have so much guilt/shame already. It's too bad that A's can't pay this fwd to those they live with once in a while!

I am writing this as a soon to ex spouse who is 200% done and even if my AH gets sober tomorrow and works a program of recovery, I'm done. Too much pain, too much abuse. So, I am sure my tone is angry and fed up and I apologize if I sound overly harsh.

I think that if the phone calls to your AH are uspetting you as much as they are (and they would upset me too) you have every right to dictate the terms about when you'll talk to him. I think you'd be a lot better able to focus on your own needs, feelings, your family, your feelings etc... if you weren't having to have these brief, surface level, insiginificant talks that you get nothing out of.

He's in rehab. He's got a ton of support. He'll have to deal with you saying you don't want to talk.

Make plans to see him if there's a family visit day or something and tell him you'll talk to him when he's done. I think that the daily talks must be incredibly difficult.

I'm sorry. Hang in there. And remember- you are not responsible for making him feel better/comforted or supporting him or his recovery in any way. You are responsible for you and your life and you deserve happiness.

KittyCopes

Thanks, everyone for your replies.

With a night to sleep on it, I think I will suggest that we not talk each day. I also can reach out to his counselor and ask that we talk less frequently, but maybe in a longer chunk of time. The 5-10 minutes is too wrenching for me.

I'm a reader by nature, and right about now I feel like I'm completing an at-home master's degree in addiction. Getting what I know intellectually (I can't cause it, cure it or control it) into the "feeling" part of my brain seems to be the problem.

I do keep comparing it to a disease, and that helps me. I would not be mad at him if he had a brain tumor that made him say insensitive things. My issue with alcoholism is that every time he picks up a bottle, he's choosing to feed the tumor. Who would do that? If you have cancer, you do whatever you can to kill it.

Plus, we live in a farmhouse on a fair amount of land, and just walking around to soothe myself, I'm finding bottles here and there. Each one causes a new bit of rage and upset. It is so obvious that I was clueless about the depth of the problem. He would look me in the eyes and lie about drinking. I am struggling to forgive him for that, even though his counselor (and others) have told me that the lying is part of the disease. Lying feels so personal, and I never gave him an ultimatum about drinking, I only asked that he tell the truth, so I don't know why he bothered to deceive me.

I will try to make it to Al-Anon. I found another meeting that I can sneak off to mid-day, during school hours. It is good just to go and listen and feel like there's a community out there.

When my husband is back, he will in fact be doing 90 meetings in 90 days. He will also be monitored by a professional organization for his profession -- random drug and alcohol tests, mentoring, etc. This is great, unless he fails (which is how he got bounced to rehab to begin with -- he wasn't forced to go, but it was "highly suggested"). If he relapses, he risks losing his job and maybe his professional license. It is very scary. I can be financially self-sufficient to a point, but if he is not contributing, big changes will have to be made.

On the bright side, I'm looking at it as an "Extreme Makeover" for me. I've lost a few pounds due to stress (but hey, I'll take it!), I'm going to finish a few painting projects around the house, clean some closets and re-start my exercise plan.

I am so glad I found this board. Thank you all so much. I'm sure I'll be checking in regularly.

I'm experimenting with those cute little smilies, so I may have picked one that made no sense...

Kitty

BobbyJ

Someone wrote in one of your comments about
How we become just as sick as they are and I would like to comment on that!!!

For me I did become sick. In a different way.

I became sick for putting blinders on my eyes and not facing the facts of "real" problems
I became a big time enabler
I allowed verbal abuse
I believed the lies
I thought it was my fault
I thought I could change it, I could fix it

Sometimes I thought he deserved to drink
and would come up with lame excuses why he drank

I was so damn sick, I worked 17 hours a day, so he could
have his freedom, new toys and a new bottles that was hide every where

I forgot to take care of me, all of my time was worrying about
him, his dui's, if he went to work, falling down drunk, public embrassment
the smell of alcohol at childrens birthday parties, etc, etc.....

I was so damn sick, I would forgive him everytime when we went
out of state, he got drunk and threanted me that I would have to find
a way for the kids and I to get home. As he took my purse, my keys
and my money

I made up the excuses of why we couldnt go somewhere with friends
or family

I was so damn sick, that I "NEVER" ever would believe that he would
steal money out of my purse, when I would take a shower, so he
could buy his VODKA

I was so damn sick, that I "NEVER" thought he ever touched my daughter
mentally

SO DO WE BECOME SICK?????

I DID

I believe we all do in some sort of way. If we didnt, why would any of us
be on here writing out our problems???

A few months later.......

Ask me now, if I would allow anyone to treat or talk to me like he did or to put
up with active addiction

HELLNO....I am getting HEALED!!!!

So detach, attach.....is a personal choice.
It takes alot of soul searching to find out....just how sick we have become.

mattmathews

Lying, hiding bottles...part of the disease. I honestly don't think they can help themselves while they're in the grip of the addiction, they just do it. I used to call it the immaculate drunk. One minute my wife would appear to be fine, I wouldn't see her take a drink, and then Wham!, totally drunk. She told me later that she'd hid her pint of vodka under the vegetable crisper in the fridge. A perfect fit. And it's amazing how quick a pint of vodka goes down.
It sounds like alcoholism snuck up on you...and in a perverse way that's good. You're not carrying the emotional baggage of having dealt with the progression of alcoholism for years, and years and years. Many of us have dealt with active alcoholism 5 years, 15 years, a lifetime...generations. For every person with the disease, four people are affected by the disease. Wives, parents, children.
One thing that attending Al-Anon meetings can help with is just learning that we're not alone. Learning that whatever we're experiencing, others have experienced it too.
It can help you with the deal with the emotions you're experiencing, and will continue to experience while your AH is working his recovery program. And if he relapses, it will definitely give you a support system. It's nice having a place where people understand, aren't judgmental, and don't offer advice (unless you ask for it).
And not to scare you off, but in the Al-Anon program you're going to hear that you need to change. At first, that may make no sense at all. "I'm not the alcoholic." Right? But you'll learn that only thing you can control is your own behavior. Your attitudes can aid your husbands recovery, whether he is drinking or not. And your attitudes can and will lead to serenity for you.

Freedom1990

I know for me it's so important to have a network of friends also in recovery who understand where I am at. It's great you found another meeting that will work for you.

Hoping for you to eventually find serenity and peace of mind, dear!

Sending hugs of support!

GettingBy

My network of al-anon friends and my sponsor save me.... from myself. They keep me from spinning myself into emotional meltdowns. They give me the love, support, and acknowledgement that I used to desperately seek from my AH. They remind me that I have tools, and choices... and that if I slow down, take things one step at a time.... I will always find hope and gratitude.

Yup, al-anon has saved my life. and given my kids a loving, calm and happy mommy. it really does work.

thanks for letting me share!
Shannon

wanttobehealthy

I think that pinning all the behaviors on the disease is allowing the A to have no responsibility; for ex, lying, hiding bottles, leaving home sober to buy alcohol-- those are choices. Yes they are part of the disease but still choices.

Alcoholism is a disease, yes. But if alcoholics choose to feed the disease rather than treat it, that is a choice. I think that's pretty important distinction and it's one my T pointed out to me that really helped.

I stayed with AH for a LONG time in part bc I attributed everythign he did to the disease and told myself he was helpless and how could I care so little about how sick he was. Truth is, someone with a disease like cancer or diabetes either chooses treatment to fight the disease or doesn't and the same is true of alcoholics. They can't control how alcohol impacts them but they can control whether they choose to get help.

I might irritate some by saying this but I really think that way too many people stay stuck in r/s with alcoholics bc of how the disease concept can be twisted/manipulated (by the alcoholic and his/her enablers) to make us think that they can't help themselves in any way. Simply not true.

I think not talking each day is a really wise idea and I hope you know that you aren't under any obligation to treat AH with kid gloves. If you want to tell him you're fed up with finding hidden bottles, you have that right. There's nothing that annoys me more than the message (spoken or unspoken) from rehab's (my H's was like this) that family members should do/say nothing that might upset the fragile A. If A's are learning to live with life on life's terms then they need to realize that it's not all about them and that others have a right to feelings too. Please don't feel you need to present a happy, supportive front to AH all the time for his well being. That's unfair to you.

painterman

Hi Kitty,
I understand exactly how you feel, although my partner hasn't reached the stage of realising she has a problem. I sometimes imagine her owning up to all the lies and apologising for all the pain she has caused but she currently transfers the blame.
I don't think you need beat yourself up for feeling like you do, I think it's perfectly normal.

wishin4change

Thank you.

I identify with all of that. Thank you.

NYCDoglvr

Since you're not an alcoholic I'm sure it is tough. But please remember that this is a life and/death d1sease and for your alcoholic to succeed it is critical that the focus be on him for a while. It is going to take patience and understanding on your part for the relationship to succeed. Have you tried Al-Anon? It's a wonderful program for the friends, relatives and spouses of alcoholic where you'll find lots of understand and support to get you though this period.

winnie1202

My husband too was "suggested" by his union to enroll in this 28 day program. It is amazing to me that he has never received a DUI (he drives a truck for a living). I was so fearful that he would kill someone. His union will accept him back but if he relapses his ability to make a very good living will be gone. I will be gone, too. Too much for too long. I did enable him in order to keep food on the table and that precious medical insurance not to mention the other benefits his union had.

What is interesting to me is how the stress of his drinking had affected my health. I have MS. Was diagnosed about 5 years ago. I am still walking, have a job, involved in the community. Take some $$$$ meds, though. Since he has been gone I have been feeling better. My left side (the weak one) feels stronger. Overall feel physically better.

We have to remember how much their drinking and the stress surrounding it hurts everyone. Are we willing to shorten our lives to maintain a non-recovery spouse? How about the damage being done to our children no matter what the age? I am willing to cut bait now if he doesn't do what he is supposed to after he returns.