IMO, you are letting your fear of being "the bad guy" keep you in a toxic marriage where your partner knows full well you won't follow through on enforcing your boundaries.
Wow that so explains me. Thank you all for reinforcing to me the sane way to look at this. It has been eating me alive. I think about it all day long, I go to sleep and wake up to thinking about it.
I read a post yesterday about where do you see yourself in 5 years, and I thought I would be completely in-sane if I stick this out.
Even though, he swears he wants to try, he hasn't drank (from what I know of in the last 3 weeks, and admits he probably would be drinking if I didn't tell him to get out.) He wants to do counseling now, he knows what his triggers are now, wants to do marriage counseling.
As we all have a story of the lonely nights, the loss of control and etc... have you felt that you just can't bring yourself to forget and move past it. That even though on the outside you can show you have, the moment they screw up or even the moment you think they will, it all comes back. I feel that I have come to an impass that, I can't I won't let it all go and start over. That there has just been to much to make me feel security and love and all those things for him again. That for me the only way out is to cut the ties, become my own self. Heal by myself and maybe some day down the road I can trust another, maybe even him. I just don't see myself doing it while living with him.