How to tell the children....

Old 09-15-2011, 07:47 AM
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How to tell the children....

If anyone has been here would greatly appreciate the views of others.
I told my AH a couple weeks ago I wanted a seperation and to move out. I gave him til today, other wise I would file for divorce. So here today is... he has not moved out (he said his lawyer told him not to, otherwise he could get seen as abandoning his children in the laws eyes, to me it was all about protecting himself and not hearing what i had to say or wanted.)

Anyways my bigger issue is and I think it is what is holding me back from actually filing. How do you tell the children without them feeling that one parent is more responsible then the other. I don't want them to hate there father, but I feel as if they will put all the blame on me and hold it against me.

In the past couple of months, last May 2010 he got his 4th DUI and moved out for a while and then slowly crept back in, (really not my choice but for the kids I let it go.) The kids I think understood that dad had made a bad choice and some what understood why he wasn't living with us. It was only like 3 weeks if that. Then in Sept 2010 I told him it wasn't working, I wanted a divorce and blah blah blah, (not sure why i didn't) but he went up to give the kids hugs and was crying and told my daughter that " Mom didn't want to live with dad anymore"... how unfair was that. I was crushed when she was angry with me and asked why we couldn't just sleep in different rooms, why did he have to go... I think that is why I didn't file then.

So now fast forward a year, he fell of the bandwagon, started drinking, falling back in to old habits, the denial, lies and etc... Don't get me wrong we can get along great, that is when I don't rock the boat.

So now it was, lets talk, lets work on us, I know what my triggers are, why I drink..quack..quack..quack...

and then me feeling heartless with a huge wall up and say NO. I am DONE...

I'm not sure what I want or feel of how my kids should view this. Is it my fault he is an A, is it my fault over the years of his actions has droven me to fall out of love, to not want to do this anymore. Is it my fault I feel hurt and betrayed and all the other crazy emotions to push me to want out.... How do you tell a 11-9-and 6 year old about the hurtful things that happened without him looking like the bad guy, its not the dad they know. But yet I feel if somethings aren't explained they will think it is all my fault and hold that against me. I hurt more thinking that they will hate me, then the fact of my marriage falling apart.

Thoughts please.....
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Old 09-15-2011, 08:31 AM
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This is just my thought: if you established the date for filing and don't follow through he will see it for an empty threat. Further, you are not responsible for the relationship he will have with his children after the divorce. That is for him to work on. Kids see and hear AND understand more than we give them credit for. They might be angry at you for a while, but you will forge through that and have a wonderful relationship with them due to YOUR efforts to do so.

You deserve better than what you have. So do your children. JMHO.
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Old 09-15-2011, 08:41 AM
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I just had a long reply typed out and lost it.

I was saying that I just went through this with my kids D6 and D3.

We told them together that Daddy was moving out and explained that:
a) we had tried to solve our problems and weren't able to and were making this decision so that there would not be any more fighting

b) that the girls had done nothing to cause the problems and weren't going to be able to fix it-- that it was a grown up problem and that mommy and daddy were learning to make better choices and one of the choices we were making was living apart so that there could be less stress.

c) we explained that sometimes even people who love each other can't fix their problems and explained that the love mommy's and daddy's have for each other isn't the same as our love for the girls and that no matter what our love for them would never ever change (D6 is big on promises and knows that I keep mine so I told her I promised her about this issue and she replied: "like rapunzel keeps her promises" so she gets it)

d) we explained that we will still both see them and explained that i will stay in the house and AH will visit with the girls and call them on the days he won't see them

I didn't get into specifics and neither did AH. The girls will learn in time what AH is like (if he doesn't get help) and they both are already well aware of the issues. We left it vague and presented a united front and told them it was okay to be sad and that we were sad too and that any feelings they had about this were 100% okay.

D6 has talked to me often at night (bedtime) about this and wants me to explain why again and I keep it vague and ask her how she feels. Often she tells me she's angry and I ask about what and we go from there...

So, that's my experience...

I have a link to an article I found on line that helped me plan out this conversation and I also consulted with my T and D6's T about how to tell them and what to say.

Doing it together was really important I think so if you and your H are able to do that that'd be best I think.
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Old 09-15-2011, 08:42 AM
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Here's the link to the online article I found...

http://www.ruthpeters.com/Articles/T...%20Divorce.pdf
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Old 09-15-2011, 08:44 AM
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I'm no expert, since I left my XAH when my DD was 15 months old...but I also had to leave behind my 12 year old stepson and it broke my heart. Your children may not like you for a while and they may not understand your choice, but you are the adult in this situation (the SOBER adult) and it is your responsibility to look out for their well-being. While your AH is busy diving head first into a bottle, he may very well endanger your children or other people on the road while he's driving drunk. In addition, you have a right to live a happy, HEALTHY life without a toxic partner dragging you down.

All this to say: be honest and tell your children as much as they are able to ask about. Your 11 and 9 year olds may have more questions, but your 6 year old may be satisfied with "Daddy is sick right now and can't live with us".

IMO, you are letting your fear of being "the bad guy" keep you in a toxic marriage where your partner knows full well you won't follow through on enforcing your boundaries.

And let's be clear here: what's happening right now is a direct consequence of your AH's choice to drink. If anyone's the bad guy here, it's him.
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Old 09-15-2011, 09:04 AM
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IMO, you are letting your fear of being "the bad guy" keep you in a toxic marriage where your partner knows full well you won't follow through on enforcing your boundaries.

Wow that so explains me. Thank you all for reinforcing to me the sane way to look at this. It has been eating me alive. I think about it all day long, I go to sleep and wake up to thinking about it.

I read a post yesterday about where do you see yourself in 5 years, and I thought I would be completely in-sane if I stick this out.

Even though, he swears he wants to try, he hasn't drank (from what I know of in the last 3 weeks, and admits he probably would be drinking if I didn't tell him to get out.) He wants to do counseling now, he knows what his triggers are now, wants to do marriage counseling.

As we all have a story of the lonely nights, the loss of control and etc... have you felt that you just can't bring yourself to forget and move past it. That even though on the outside you can show you have, the moment they screw up or even the moment you think they will, it all comes back. I feel that I have come to an impass that, I can't I won't let it all go and start over. That there has just been to much to make me feel security and love and all those things for him again. That for me the only way out is to cut the ties, become my own self. Heal by myself and maybe some day down the road I can trust another, maybe even him. I just don't see myself doing it while living with him.
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Old 09-15-2011, 09:05 AM
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Well, this is hard. No way around that. I told my kids that adults sometimes have problems they can't work out. We both loved them very much. it was not their fault and there was nothing they could/should do now or do differently. It was adult issues and I did not answer specific questions (which were actually very few and far between) because I wasn't going to paint their dad in a bad light. I repeatedly assured them that I loved them very much, that would never change, I would always be there for them no matter what, etc. I assured them that i was making the best possible decisions for all of us (which they disagreed with). We also had to move and I chose to move to a different town and that was hard on them. They were 3yo, 3yo, 8yo, 10yo at the time.

Their dad was not as kind. He repeatedly told them it was my fault, I was making him leave, wouldn't let him live with us. The kids couldn't go visit him because it was mom's fault that she wouldn't give him money so he couldn't eat and couldn't feed them. I was taking the kids to counseling and so he'd say that I didn't love the family because I wouldn't go to counseling with him. i was selfish blah blah blah. It was a nightmare to be honest and I am ashamed that I was not strong enough and clear enough at that point to keep them away from him. They were extremely mad at me, especially the 8yo (now 10yo). There was a year of crying, anger, huge meltdowns, rages. I left a very toxic relationship and a home environment that was subtly very toxic and instead of peace and calm my house had an all time high of fighting and chaos. It was a rough year. But - kids figure things out. I have never said a bad word about their dad but they no longer think I'm the devil either. They get it because I'm still here, I did what I said - and he isn't hear and didn't do anything he said. The older one especially see's this (and was able to see it more in the beginning). Most of that has subsided but I just signed the older one's up for individual counseling and we'll have a few family sessions as well. They are not close with each other. The big blow outs are gone but they bicker endlessly - more then normal - and that bothers me a little. I see them cry about things that I know are related to their dad. I think the 10yo still has a lot of confusion and anger over the divorce and the lack of a dad in his life. His anger goes into the world, the other one withdraws. I'm not sure what the little one's think. It is a new normal for them and we'll have to address issues that come up as they get older I suppose.

ETA: There are a couple of good books I got. I'll post the titles when I get home if you'd like.
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Old 09-15-2011, 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by married10 View Post
have you felt that you just can't bring yourself to forget and move past it.
Yes. That's why I left. Have you heard the "sober horse thief" line? (i.e. "What do you get when you sober up a horse thief? A sober horse thief"). Even IF my XAH stopped drinking, smoking and snorting cocaine, he would not be someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with. He was too broken, too abusive and too toxic.

You know, it's OK to give yourself permission to be done. You have a right to it and people have divorced for much less (think of all those Hollywood stars...).

Yes, it will be hard on you and the kids, but you can at least begin to rebuild a sane life and SHOW them, but your actions, that their mother will not stand by and be taken advantage of anymore. Kids watch and learn from actions.

*hugs* to you.
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Old 09-15-2011, 09:32 AM
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I should add that I think that today, all our lives are much better then what they would have been had I not left. Had I stayed nothing would have changed for the better. Things would have only gotten worse for all of us so even though we had a rough year, I see it as the right decision for my family in the long run.

I wanted a solution that would not negatively impact my kids at all. Well there wasn't one that existed. That is life sometimes. “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” which is a quote by Randy Pausch that I like. I sat for a long time waiting for different cards before I finally realized that despite my deepest wish, the cards were not changing. I had to play the hand I was dealt and so do the kids. It hurts to know that I dealt some of their cards to them but we just do the best we can, in today.
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Old 09-15-2011, 09:39 AM
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Telling my kids was very difficult because their dad is a very subtle and high functioning alcoholic. My kids are 17, 16, 13 and 10. They knew he drank alcohol but did not see him "drunk." Much of the drinking happened at night after they were in bed, or in secret on the weekends. All they knew was that their dad was withdrawn and grouchy at times, but fun and nice at other times. They thought his use of alcohol was what normal adults did.

I sat them down the day I made my husband leave and told them simply that their dad had become dependent on alcohol, that it was a sickness, and that he could not live with us while he continued to abuse alcohol. I basically re-worded the 1st step to them, which is that I had learned from talking to other people who knew about alcoholism that I was powerless to help their dad, and my life had become unmanageable. I told them that I loved their dad very much and had separated from him because it was the most loving thing I could do at that point. I reinforced that we both loved them very much, that would never change, and we'd do everything we could to keep life smooth for them. Also said it was not their fault, and none of us had caused it, could control it, or cure it. I have introduced the teenagers to the principles of Al-Anon/Alateen and they will start attending Alateen meetings soon.

There was much tears and sadness. There was also relief, because life with my AH had been a lot of tension and walking on eggshells. As the days went by, I kept asking them "How are you doing? Do you have any questions?" and in this process they started to "connect the dots" as my 16 year old said. As time went on, I realized they knew a lot more than any of us realized, and once they learned about the alcoholism, they 'understood' some things that had puzzled them. The cases of beer stashed in a shed, the many bottles generated for recycling, dad 'falling asleep' each night on the sofa until 3am, falling asleep on many a weekend afternoon, disappearing on the weekend to go to his office and drink (he would say he was running out for a paper, then be gone for hours). The hardest part was learning he'd often had alcohol in the car when he drove them --- they confessed to smelling thermal coffee mugs that contained beer.

I am lucky in that my AH and I are on the same page about presenting a somewhat united front to the kids. This seems to help the kids as we all move ahead. Still, it's incredibly painful for everyone. My 16 year old is very angry with him and has refused to spend the night with him because she sees it as enabling. She has told him point blank that she does not desire a close relationship with him until he embraces a recovery program in full. This had quite an impact on him. He could deal with losing his wife, but having his child choose to detach from him really got his attention.
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Old 09-15-2011, 09:57 AM
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A long time ago one of my friends was in an abusive alcholic relationship, she asked me one time how I managed to deal with it. I said when it came down to it, I couldn't see my life with out him.

Now...

I can't imagine my life with him and when I do, I see the vicious cycle repeating itself, sobriety for him - me questioning when will it start again, - the drinking starts over - the pain - the suffering - threats - the sobriety and on and on and on...

and when I think of leaving him, filing for divorce ( I actually have the email to my lawyer written, needing to hit the send button yet.) I see some smiles for myself, that maybe down the road I can see a new relationship with someone who treats me good, keeps promises to my children, seeing myself as me and not defined by his actions and what or when he will do it.

I really can picture myself with out him.
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Old 09-15-2011, 10:04 AM
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I'm a firm believer that it's better to be from a broken home, than it is to live in one.

Sounds like you're doing the right thing for you, and your little kiddos. It's going to be hard. They might be angry. But down the road, they'll probably be less angry that they were protected than angry because they weren't.
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Old 09-15-2011, 03:13 PM
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I'm struggling with this as well. My AH was arrested for DWI last week, which brought this all to a head. He told our 8-year-old son the truth - we had talked about it and I knew his arrest would be public record and I didn't want him to hear about it from someone at school, or on his baseball team.

I've told our son that I'm not sure what's going to happen. AH is not drinking now and has had no problems stopping, but he's stopped before. I told DS that his father has a problem with alcohol and that if AH decided to go back to drinking he will have to leave the home because I don't think it's a good environment. It's hard because AH is vey high-functioning, works every day, does lots of stuff around the house...DS has probably seen him drunk twice - after AH's brother died and at his 50th birthday party. I feel the separation/divorce would be more for me, because I can't deal with seeing him start drinking again and watching it escalate.
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