My (recovering addict) husband is a loving, sensitive, caring, thoughtful guy ~~ almost all the time. What you write sounds so much like how I felt years ago that I had to write. I didn't read any replies so sorry if I'm repeating...
I remember...literally, clearly...remember the night he proposed: a beautiful night on the beach with family $ fireworks. I said yes, with a feeling like, hmmm, this is what I wanted so why am I not totally happy. I remember, on our wedding day, feeling love, feeling excitement, feeling happiness....but also hearing that "little voice" saying "he had a relapse....what if..." Basically, having second thoughts. I didn't have the confidence back then to listen to myself.
We've been married now over 12 years. Right now, if I could talk to the "me" that I was then, I'd want "me" to try to understand:
Marriage isn't something to go into with 95% confidence. It's an all or nothing kind of thing - and for good reason. Don't make a lifelong commitment based on only partially being "on board". Once you get in it, you compromise on who makes dinner or does the laundry, but not something as important who stays clean/sober or why.
It's not about what he/she says. It needs to be about what I want in order to have a healthy, positive life. Pot, coke, alcohol, heroin...does it matter?.... not as much as what I need...on drugs because your life was hard or he/she had a dysfunctional family, I'm sorry but....the bottom line is I don't want that in my life. Bottom line.
It shouldn't be about what you are willing to compromise; it should be about what you CHOOSE to have in your life. What do you choose? Whatever your age, there can be a great future for you with or without an addict spouse (or any spouse for that matter).
My RAH and I have had plenty of ups & downs. More ups since he's been clean & sober (which took years to get to). BUT...would I want to do this over. Ask me in 20 years. That's a long time to wait and see, huh?!
I'm not telling you that you need to break it off - rather - listen to and trust that little voice, your voice.
I wish you well in whatever you choose.