New to site - I should be preparing for my wedding but I'm here!

Old 09-09-2011, 12:17 PM
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New to site - I should be preparing for my wedding but I'm here!

I am so glad I have found this site. It's made me cry reading it because so many things on here ring true with me.

I'm days away from marrying and I should be preparing for my wedding but instead I've been searching the internet for hours for answers. I doubt I'll find any, but I might find some much-needed support here.

I live in a foreign country where English is not the first language so I don't think I would do well with support groups in my second language. I do have great friends who I can talk to but they don't really know what it's like living with an addict.

I'm about to marry the love of my life, but he is addicted to marijuana and I hate it. He was sober (1 year) when he asked me and I happily said yes. I saw a great future for us together (I still do, maybe I'm an optimist)

But he relapsed and it's been getting steadily worse. He keeps trying to quit and each time I get really excited and hopeful, then he struggles, becomes moody and angry and tries to convince me it's "not so bad" if he smokes "It's not like I'm doing heroin", he says. When I won't agree, he gets angry and says he wishes he could be like his friends, who have wives who don't mind if they smoke.

Ultimately he fails and it causes a big drama. we row, i cry, He feels terrible, he promises to keep trying, he wants to quit, but it so hard.

I've been reading all the useful info on this site and I know I need to try and detach. I am probably making things worse. He needs to reach rock bottom to have a Eureka moment like he did last time, which resulted in him quitting for a year with no demands or expectations from me.

But how do you detach? I'm scared that if I do he'll take that as me thinking it's OK. he might coast along for years. Do i just sit and wait?

The thing is, we want to start trying for a family and I'm scared he won't be able to quit. He always said he would quit no problem when the time came, now he's saying: "can't we wait and see if we have fertility problems, then I'll quit" I suspect it is all bs.

The thing is apart from his addiction he is a great guy with a big heart. I will just never be OK with the smoking, that's all. He is very good at arguing and saying things to twist what I've said that I end up being confused and wondering if it's me making things worse.

Sorry for the big rant, I just needed to get it all out. I should be concentrating on my wedding but all I can think about is this. His latest attempt to quit failed yesterday. now he say he will try again on our honeymoon (two weeks when he won't be able to buy anything)

I should be stressed about my wedding, but I'm not. All i can think about is this and our future and how things are going to be.

If you're living with an addict how do you manage to keep sane? it is all so overwhelming. this is nothing new - we've been together 7 years, but I'm getting to the age now where I can't put up with it any longer...

Thanks so much for reading. And advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 09-09-2011, 12:21 PM
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does he drink excessively as well? do you feel he'll go into deeper drugs?
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Old 09-09-2011, 12:43 PM
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So sorry :\

You deserve better. If he wants a wife that will be okay with him smoking weed, he should go find one. That's not your responsibility to conform to what he wants.

I'm recently married. (almost 6 months) I'm at that age where I look around and most of my friends are getting engaged etc. People for some reason have asked me about relationship advice over and over and I tell them all the same thing. Marrying someone with the expectation that anything will be different about who they are or what they do after the ceremony is just a very very bad idea. If the marijuana is something you can't tolerate, you'd be doing both of you a disservice to go through with the wedding.

He's made it clear that he doesn't intend on stopping for good.
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Old 09-09-2011, 01:21 PM
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I agree with cc88, I had to learn the hard way.
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Old 09-09-2011, 01:29 PM
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Welcome Bonnie, I'm sorry for your difficulties but glad you found us.

Only you can decide if you want to risk your future, your dreams and perhaps even the lives of your children, on someone who is addicted to anything. Addiction is a progressive disease and gets worse rather than better over time.

Take a read around, make yourself comfortable and know you are among friends here who will walk with you no matter what choices you make.

Hugs
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Old 09-09-2011, 01:56 PM
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If you are still thinking of marrying this man and having children with him, I really suggest you keep reading this Site. The truth on these boards is not sinking in yet. Read the "stickies" at the top, and read some more threads, new and old, and then reread your original post.

Please don't go ahead with the wedding because of money spent, honeymoon arranged, or to save face. Disentangling down the road, with kids, is more expensive.

I wish I knew what I was getting involved with before I married.

Wishing you the best.
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Old 09-09-2011, 02:07 PM
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Hi ladies, thank you so much for your replies.

Kiki - he is a massive binge drinker when he goes out and can easily drink 10 big measures in one setting. The thing is all his friends are worse than him. He knows it's not normal and worries about the long term effects, but it doesn't stop him. He had big problems with cocaine when he was younger but he managed to quit with pro help. He still does it occasionally but not regularly. I don't think harder drugs will be a problem, but the booze might. When he was off marijuana for a year he drank more. He also needed sleeping pills to get to sleep and ended up getting hooked on them.

cc88 and Justlizzyd - Thanks for your advice. I know what you're saying but I love him and I want to marry him. I can't call the wedding off. He says he does want to stop but just can't right now. I really think all that stuff he said about his friend's wives was the addiction talking, not him. The fact he quit for a year gives me hope. Maybe I am just being naiive but I really believe he can do it again. I hope I'm not wrong. I don't expect a wedding will fix anything. The main reason we are doing it is because we want to start a family. Though I don't know if I can go ahead with bringing kids into the world if they're going to have an addict father.

He is a really great guy in every other sense, and I think he really does love me. He is just sick. He started using marijuana to escape problems in his life, never for recreational reasons. He went to therapy but it made him feel worse. He is a man with a lot of issues. i wish i could help, but I really don't know how to. I'm not a professional... Maybe it would be easier to walk away, but I love him, what do I do? I know it's only me that can decide, but it's hard.

Ann - thank you for the welcome. This is a great resource you've created here, thank you so much. I wish I'd found it sooner. Nice to know I'm not alone.
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Old 09-09-2011, 02:17 PM
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Wellnowwhat - Thanks for your advice. But I can't just walk away. I feel like I do know what I'm getting myself in for - I've known him for nine years. Maybe I am just being stupid but I feel like it will be OK. Maybe everyone thinks that, maybe I sound like an idiot, I don't know....
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Old 09-09-2011, 02:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Bonny View Post
Hi ladies, thank you so much for your replies.

Kiki - he is a massive binge drinker when he goes out and can easily drink 10 big measures in one setting. The thing is all his friends are worse than him. He knows it's not normal and worries about the long term effects, but it doesn't stop him. He had big problems with cocaine when he was younger but he managed to quit with pro help. He still does it occasionally but not regularly. I don't think harder drugs will be a problem, but the booze might. When he was off marijuana for a year he drank more. He also needed sleeping pills to get to sleep and ended up getting hooked on them.

cc88 and Justlizzyd - Thanks for your advice. I know what you're saying but I love him and I want to marry him. I can't call the wedding off. He says he does want to stop but just can't right now. I really think all that stuff he said about his friend's wives was the addiction talking, not him. The fact he quit for a year gives me hope. Maybe I am just being naiive but I really believe he can do it again. I hope I'm not wrong. I don't expect a wedding will fix anything. The main reason we are doing it is because we want to start a family. Though I don't know if I can go ahead with bringing kids into the world if they're going to have an addict father.

He is a really great guy in every other sense, and I think he really does love me. He is just sick. He started using marijuana to escape problems in his life, never for recreational reasons. He went to therapy but it made him feel worse. He is a man with a lot of issues. i wish i could help, but I really don't know how to. I'm not a professional... Maybe it would be easier to walk away, but I love him, what do I do? I know it's only me that can decide, but it's hard.

Ann - thank you for the welcome. This is a great resource you've created here, thank you so much. I wish I'd found it sooner. Nice to know I'm not alone.
I would be running away from that altar....just saying.

Kari
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Old 09-09-2011, 02:26 PM
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He knows it's not normal and worries about the long term effects, but it doesn't stop him. He had big problems with cocaine when he was younger but he managed to quit with pro help. He still does it occasionally but not regularly. I don't think harder drugs will be a problem, but the booze might. When he was off marijuana for a year he drank more. He also needed sleeping pills to get to sleep and ended up getting hooked on them.
Bonny, I'm really sorry but what I see here are red flags everywhere.

Is there any way you can delay the wedding and give yourself more time to work through this?

Starting a family with an active addict who doesn't want to quit just seems like you are setting yourself and your future children up for a nightmare about to happen.

We all love our addicts, my son is the addict in my life and I love him very much...but I cannot live anywhere near him when he is active in his addiction. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here. The question we end up asking ourselves is can we live with them or will we be dragged into hell with their disease. Addiction spares nobody and hurts the families as much as the addict.

Give it some thought, maybe find some support for yourself at Al-Anon, Nar-Anon or Coda, three wonderful fellowships that have helped many of us. Because, should you choose to go forward with this, you are going to need all the help you can get. Sadly, that's the honest truth.

Hugs
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Old 09-09-2011, 02:33 PM
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When I'm reading everything I've written it does look pretty bad. Am I fooling myself that everything will be OK? Oh God.
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Old 09-09-2011, 04:08 PM
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There is a wise saying, Bonny, "When we are ready, the answers will come".

Your heart and your head are quarreling over the answers right now. Try to find some peace and be still and see if it doesn't become clear. You will know when you know.

Hugs
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Old 09-09-2011, 04:39 PM
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What country are you in? I'm in Thailand - and there are a couple of al-anon meetings (all too far from me).

Anyway, my AXBF was a binge drinker and a daily drinker when we met. Everyone told me it was part of his Aussie culture. He said he had done IV speed ten years ago but that wasn't what he wanted in his life, etc. And I knew he had smoked a lot of pot with his exgf. Since with me, he was only drinking, and his big long nights of drunkeness were getting farther and fewer between. I thought it was getting better. Then my last trip back home, he started smoking kronic (synthetic pot that was legal and is now illegal in australia) and when that became unattainable, he started buying "hush" herbs, which as far as i can tell are harmless placebo. When I got back to Australia, he apologized for our fights on Skype and said they were from smoking all the numbing herbs because he missed me. Whatever. I said, okay, they are legal so I'm not going to make a big fuss, but cut it out, it's a waste of time and money and it just looks stupid in general. I thought that was the end of that. Then one day he gets sent to work with this guy he knew from 10 years ago. Just a 2-day job there. And the second day he comes and is slamming beers and chain smoking. I'm in the middle of cooking his favorite meal and then he doesn't eat. It's a Monday night so I go to bed and he's still not sleepy. I wake up at 4am and he's upstairs jerking off to porn on the laptop. I ask him what's going on. He says his friend "gave" him speed and he ate it and can't sleep. By 7am, I have found his injection materials and he admits to buying $xxx worth of speed. He left me and went to a hotel and injected all of it. It took him over a week to come down and he didn't go to work in all that time.

I can see now that the alcohol is a problem. The small step-stone leads back to the bigger ones. All the underlying problems of OCD and crazy anger/happy love, those moodswings. It's all related.

My AXBF isn't a monster. He's a wonderful, sweet man I love so much. He never hit me, he's always sorry, he always says he's going to do better, that he can't live without me, that I'm his special little Munchkin. He and I used to talk daily, and he was financially supportive of me, bought me presents, took me on holidays. I love him without a doubt. It's the monster in the addiction I don't love. I know he's in there somewhere but I couldn't find him when he was high. I couldn't see my special Schmooples. He was gone.

It must be horrible to see your wedding day approach and to have this on your mind. And you wonder if you're just crazy. It's just a little pot right. It's just a little beer. It's just once in a while. You want it to be okay because you love the person.

Advice here seems to revolve around leaving them and getting your own life. Easier said than done.
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Old 09-09-2011, 06:55 PM
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okay.

i apologize in advance for those who are gonna disagree, and if it sounds harsh. But the "why cant you be like my friends' wives" is NOT the addiction talking. Its someone who wants the benefits of marriage without having to grow up. its on par with me telling my wife "why cant u let me play call of duty all night like ______'s wife" point is shes not my friends wife, shes mine. point a.

point b. and this is where people are gonna jump down my throat, is that the jury is still out on THC being a physically addictive drug. I dont think it is. I consider it less a drug than niccotine and caffeine. his binge drinking worries me wayyy more. sry. His behavior isnt an addict who will do anything for the high its an immature person who wants to keep "having fun" and pretty much doesnt feel like breaking a habbit for u. if he doesnt feel like it now, and can still have you, he wont feel like it when you're committed to him for life. i promise.

Thats not the main point so im not trying to egg anyone on or debate. The point, which is aside from that, is that you're getting into something expecting someone to change. If you were a friend saying your husband smoked weed and you were fine with it and it wasnt upsetting your relationship and its occasional and responsible i would say go for it. But you are on different pages. period. you ARE NOT a marijuana fan. he IS. this is going to cause serious problems on simple relationship and compatabily levels. What happens when you have kids and ur 16 year old tries weed? Mom freaks out, but dad doesnt even care. To not be a hypocrite id have to say it might not ruin his life, but it MAY also. Doesnt sound like you wanna take that risk.

THINK CAREFULLY PLEASE!

With love, seriously, i care, im not trying to be mean. hugs.
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Old 09-09-2011, 07:35 PM
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Your fiance is self medicating with alcohol, pot and coke. He's a poly substance addict and you've never known him sober. You chose to give your heart to an active addict. Why?
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Old 09-09-2011, 08:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
Your fiance is self medicating with alcohol, pot and coke. He's a poly substance addict and you've never known him sober. You chose to give your heart to an active addict. Why?
^^This!!!

And like Ann said, there are red flags EVERYWHERE. You don't want to call off the wedding? Doesn't sound like anything we say here will change your mind. But please, please, please....do NOT get pregnant within the 1st year.
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Old 09-09-2011, 10:48 PM
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My (recovering addict) husband is a loving, sensitive, caring, thoughtful guy ~~ almost all the time. What you write sounds so much like how I felt years ago that I had to write. I didn't read any replies so sorry if I'm repeating...

I remember...literally, clearly...remember the night he proposed: a beautiful night on the beach with family $ fireworks. I said yes, with a feeling like, hmmm, this is what I wanted so why am I not totally happy. I remember, on our wedding day, feeling love, feeling excitement, feeling happiness....but also hearing that "little voice" saying "he had a relapse....what if..." Basically, having second thoughts. I didn't have the confidence back then to listen to myself.

We've been married now over 12 years. Right now, if I could talk to the "me" that I was then, I'd want "me" to try to understand:

Marriage isn't something to go into with 95% confidence. It's an all or nothing kind of thing - and for good reason. Don't make a lifelong commitment based on only partially being "on board". Once you get in it, you compromise on who makes dinner or does the laundry, but not something as important who stays clean/sober or why.

It's not about what he/she says. It needs to be about what I want in order to have a healthy, positive life. Pot, coke, alcohol, heroin...does it matter?.... not as much as what I need...on drugs because your life was hard or he/she had a dysfunctional family, I'm sorry but....the bottom line is I don't want that in my life. Bottom line.

It shouldn't be about what you are willing to compromise; it should be about what you CHOOSE to have in your life. What do you choose? Whatever your age, there can be a great future for you with or without an addict spouse (or any spouse for that matter).

My RAH and I have had plenty of ups & downs. More ups since he's been clean & sober (which took years to get to). BUT...would I want to do this over. Ask me in 20 years. That's a long time to wait and see, huh?!

I'm not telling you that you need to break it off - rather - listen to and trust that little voice, your voice.

I wish you well in whatever you choose.
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Old 09-09-2011, 11:27 PM
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[QUOTE=Bonny;3099245]The thing is, we want to start trying for a family and I'm scared he won't be able to quit. He always said he would quit no problem when the time came, now he's saying: "can't we wait and see if we have fertility problems, then I'll quit" I suspect it is all bs.


QUOTE]

Thank you for your post, you sound like a kind and smart person I understand the tears. I am new here too, and the posts make me cry a lot ( I think this is good).

Be careful. I am saying this as a person who grew up with a father who was addicted to alchool and valium, and with a mother that enabled him. He died when I was 21 due to complications from drugs and alcohol , and I haven't spoken to my mother in years.

I know that his addiction became worse and worse with each passing year, and it pretty much distroyed my childhood.

I know my story is extreme, but I am just telling you what can happen in a worst case situation.

I am not saying this will happen to you, and I hope it does not, but you do want to have a family, and you are not sure if you can have that with this man. I would postpone the wedding until you are sure that you are starting out the marraige with a resonable amount of trust that this person will be a good father and husband. Maybe some counseling would be a good start for you two, before you get married and have kids.

I also sounds to me like he is not ready to have kids yet, and not willing to give up partying (just my opinion). He may also come to resent you, and may even start going behind your back.


I do hope the best for you and your BF

Hugs, D
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Old 09-09-2011, 11:46 PM
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Originally Posted by itisatruth View Post
It shouldn't be about what you are willing to compromise; it should be about what you CHOOSE to have in your life. What do you choose? Whatever your age, there can be a great future for you with or without an addict spouse (or any spouse for that matter).
Clarification: there can be a great future for you without an addict spouse (or any spouse for that matter). I meant that, you don't have to be with someone to be happy. I know that I can never again live with a practicing addict and I wouldn't want that even for my worst enemy.
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Old 09-10-2011, 01:48 AM
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Guys, thanks so much for all your advice - I'm going to try and respond to as much as I can in the time I've got on here this morning.

Just a quick update - he came home last night saying he really wants to quit. He knows it's not right, and he's going to try again on Monday. I live in hope.
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