Thank you very much for your response. It snuck up on me . . . I have not been actively engaged with her for a long time . . . and then she showed up and I had to deal with her and it took me into the quagmire. It's the "insanity" of trying to reason with insanity . . .
I spent a lot of time in Alanon and I don't really want to define my life by the alcoholics anymore . . . I want to spend my time on me, not in meetings thinking about them, etc. (I know this sounds crazy, given what I have just written and how much energy this has sucked up from my life.) I also have other metaphysical types of practices that I use to deal with difficulties and traumas . . .
I was hoping I could get the wisdom of Alanon here without having to go to get on the meeting bandwagon . . .
I will get myself out of this insanity of thinking I can reason with her . . . I did get the gift of seeing how issues with her dovetail with my childhood traumas . . .
I will have to figure out how to be in my grandson's life in a healthy way (I do hate that she is poisoning him against me, but I realize I am powerless over that - part of me has never wanted to believe that so it is a hard jolt out of denial to see it and it does hurt and disturb me . . .)
As I was trying to sort this all out (and it is a huge mess in my mind), it brought up so much grief about "family" and "the holidays," etc. It's just hard to accept that this is the way it is and there is nothing I can do about it - I can't fix it - I did feel obligated to write the "tough love" email and part of me is glad I did and the other part really regrets it.
I try to be really careful not to do things that will cause me regret so I feel very remorseful that I did something that seems to have caused harm.
I am going to see my grandson today to give him some food, etc. I am praying "she" won't be there and if "she" is, I will have to be very careful with my boundaries and not go in the house, etc.
I feel it's all hugely unfortunate . . . I am very idealistic and want "a happy family," and it is getting more and more alienated and dysfunctional by the minute. I am praying for miracles.
Thanks again for your response and prayers!