Need Some Support & Perspective

Old 09-06-2011, 08:07 PM
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Need Some Support & Perspective

My daughter showed up on my doorstep drunk last weekend and left her sick dog with me. She did not look good at all.

I wrote her an email today and basically told her that I was scared for her - that she is very skinny, etc. and I spelled out my fears (I have never been so blunt or harsh).

I felt bad in a way because I don't want to hurt her feelings - of course, she could care less about my feelings. She did not apologize for this weekend.

She wrote me a note back saying I had made her feel terrible and maybe I should spend my time becoming a more loving person instead of tearing her down . . . then she threw in that this is pushing her and my grandson away from me.

She also copied her sisters on her reply and my original email and said that she doesn't feel close to anyone in the family.

She said she will have a healthy discussion but not this kind of thing . . .she ended up twisting it so that I am the bad guy. I have always been there for her - too much . . .

Anyway, I tried to email her, text her and call her and she is not responding (this is her pattern) - she is passive-aggressive and she shuts me down.

My family is so traumatized by her that they cannot hear anything that has to do with her, so I can't talk to anyone in my family about this. I tried and one daughter said that she was not going to read the emaiils because she doesn't want to be involved in the drama . . .

I am feeling very anxious at the moment because I have been cut off - I realize this is a trigger back to my childhood. I am also fearful that she will be able to turn my grandson against me (he has said things to me that she has said to him that were very mean and destructive) . . .

So I am in a bad space at the moment and I honestly don't know what to do other than pray . . .

The crazymaking part of it for me is that I can be demonized when she is the one who is acting out - I sent the note as kind of a "tough love" hoping that maybe it would get through to her, but also realizing that it probably won't - I just felt I had to express how scared I am for her and that I hope she seeks recovery.

I don't know how the family can be thought of as being the "bad guys" and the alcoholic is now the victim. I am sure I have given her a good reason to drink (and I know that it would not be my fault).

I am in a lot of fear and most of it is in feeling misunderstood, having my words twisted, and fear that she will somehow convince my grandson that I am the evil person that she thinks I am.

She said I am negative and attacked her - but she says nothing about her actions and what happened this weekend.
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Old 09-06-2011, 10:49 PM
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I realized that some childhood traumas were triggered. My mother used to lock herself in her bedroom, crying and somehow she taught me how to pop the lock to her door . . .I was very young . . .I would go in, ask what was wrong and she would say, "You know damn well what is wrong." I had no clue. I would beg her to tell me and she wouldn't and she just kept crying. It was bad.

That set me up for being overly concerned about what other people think and if they are hurting, I feel responsible and want to fix it - also, with my daughter being passive-aggressive, it is just perfect . . .she won't return my calls, she won't make up with me, she is threatening (in my mind) to poison my grandson against me (well, she already does it . . .I am just afraid if I **** her off she will go full tilt . . .) so there we have my abandonment fears rearing their ugly head . . .again, going back to my mom and that one scene (that actually was pretty constant for many years) . . .

Added to that is the fact that I cannot discuss this with family members . . . she tried to triangulate by coping my other children in her response to my email . . .I did tell her in one of my responses to her response that that was "triangulating" and asked why she did it, but she will not respond . . . anyway, I also have fears that even though she is the alcoholic and the one who showed up on my doorstep drunk and left her sick dog with me last weekend, that somehow she will be able to poison the entire family against me . . .I realize this is my issue . . .it is a tough one, though.

I need some support. I can't get any in the "real" world, so I was hoping to get it here.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:23 AM
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At Alanon I heard that "what others think of me is none of my business". Since I was consumed with worry of what others were thinking, I found this incredibly freeing.

Do you go to Alanon? I find that there is the best place to discuss this type of situation. There are people there that understand it, and they are not emotionally engaged in your situation, like your family might be. It is a good place to find face-to-face support.

When I read your post, I noted how frequently you used the word "she". May I gently suggest you might find some relief if you focus on what you can control: You. When I get caught up in my AH's behaviours, past and present, I keep myself anxious. When I start to think about what I can do for ME, my anxiety decreases.

Thinking of you, your grandson and daughter.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:41 AM
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Thank you very much for your response. It snuck up on me . . . I have not been actively engaged with her for a long time . . . and then she showed up and I had to deal with her and it took me into the quagmire. It's the "insanity" of trying to reason with insanity . . .

I spent a lot of time in Alanon and I don't really want to define my life by the alcoholics anymore . . . I want to spend my time on me, not in meetings thinking about them, etc. (I know this sounds crazy, given what I have just written and how much energy this has sucked up from my life.) I also have other metaphysical types of practices that I use to deal with difficulties and traumas . . .

I was hoping I could get the wisdom of Alanon here without having to go to get on the meeting bandwagon . . .

I will get myself out of this insanity of thinking I can reason with her . . . I did get the gift of seeing how issues with her dovetail with my childhood traumas . . .

I will have to figure out how to be in my grandson's life in a healthy way (I do hate that she is poisoning him against me, but I realize I am powerless over that - part of me has never wanted to believe that so it is a hard jolt out of denial to see it and it does hurt and disturb me . . .)

As I was trying to sort this all out (and it is a huge mess in my mind), it brought up so much grief about "family" and "the holidays," etc. It's just hard to accept that this is the way it is and there is nothing I can do about it - I can't fix it - I did feel obligated to write the "tough love" email and part of me is glad I did and the other part really regrets it.

I try to be really careful not to do things that will cause me regret so I feel very remorseful that I did something that seems to have caused harm.

I am going to see my grandson today to give him some food, etc. I am praying "she" won't be there and if "she" is, I will have to be very careful with my boundaries and not go in the house, etc.

I feel it's all hugely unfortunate . . . I am very idealistic and want "a happy family," and it is getting more and more alienated and dysfunctional by the minute. I am praying for miracles.

Thanks again for your response and prayers!
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Old 09-07-2011, 03:57 PM
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I did pray and got a lot of support through that. I had become caught up in the dance . . . a friend also spent time with me, and another contacted me so I thank "the universe" for all of the support I am getting. One of my kids called me and also offered support as I did to her . . .so things are better or I am feeling better and am not stuck in the web of sickness at the moment.
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Old 09-07-2011, 04:03 PM
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Seek- I am sorry you are hurting so much and it sounds like the combination of childhood/FOO trauma and your current r/s with your daughter create a terrible number of sad feelings (understandably).

Your description of your daughters response to your letter is, well, what I'd expect a response from an addict to be. She doesn't want to face herself so she is of course going to find any and all things she can to throw at you-- deflection, projection, denial, guilt trips.... And like any good co-dependent you are caught up in worrying about what your daughter is feeling/thinking/saying about you (I think this is something most mom's would feel, codie issues or not).

I don't have any suggestions/advice for you other than to say that you aren't going to be able to save your daughter from herself no matter how hard you try. I imagine that you hoped that you expressing (bluntly no less) how concerned you were about her might shock her into seeing how bad off she is and be receptive to help? Unfortunately I have found that the more I express my concerns to my AH (or did in the past as I am not doing so anymore) the more fuel it gave him to deny, blame and distort reality. And then I was the one who was upset.

I hope that you have some friends you can talk to? Al anon maybe? Sending warm thoughts your way.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:26 PM
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Thank you, Want To Be Healthy . . .I got caught off guard, because I haven't had much contact with her for awhile. I do have a personality thing where I project good onto people - and I usually think people are getting healthier and healthier . . .she had been in recovery (last time I really spoke to her about a month ago, she had gotten a sponsor, so I had been encouraged by that).

I have not seen her acting out behavior - most of that was done behind my back . . .so I was caught off guard.

I definitely do have a weird relationship with her and a couple of other people (that would be called codie) where if they are hurting, I am devastated . . . I understand the dynamics of it, but I am rarely prepared for it . . .it's all very complicated in terms of the history, triggers, family dynamics, et al . . .

I will probably check out a meeting or two to see if I can find one I like. I am very untraditional so it takes a little shopping around. I would love to have a sponsor who could "get" me and help me brainstorm some of my problematic behaviors (mostly related to how to support my grandson in a healthy way without enabling him - since he has been so neglected all of his life, I have been known to do too much to try to make up for deficiencies . . . I would love a coach to help me figure out what is healthy in that respect and what is not) . . He lives with the alcoholic and told me today that it is very difficult (he didn't go into any details) but there is a lot of drama . . . he is starting college and a stable environment would be good, but I guess he has to figure all of that out. I told him he can stay with certain relatives so he has options (but none of the options are close to his school) but again, "more will be revealed")

He knows I love him. It does bother me that his mom has tried to poison him against me - I can only pray he will see me in my true light and not through her lens - if not now, maybe later.

I think when I saw her I was just shocked and honestly, I had to write the note to her to get it off my chest . . . it was "tough love" - I didn't have hopes she would change for me, but maybe a seed has been planted, you never know. My relatives that she sent her response to (and my original email) thought it was just fine - not mean . . . I just expressed concern and put things bluntly . . .I have no need to try to reform her . . . it is her life and she has to make her own decisions - I was just caught up in her drama and got into some really unhealthy behavior . . .thank God, I had support to step out of it for a moment.

I had to refamialiarize myself with alcoholic/addict tactics - I was treating her as if she were a fully functional adult - I was too close and too hurt at the time and too identified with her pain to see the blame and manipulation tactics she was using . . .I honestly would want to not take her calls if she tries to contact me (which she will not do unless something is really wrong or she wants to tell me off) . . .I have to keep my guard up with her and for some reason I get too sympathetic to her pain . . . not sure what that's all about . . .

Thank you again!
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