At Alanon I heard that "what others think of me is none of my business". Since I was consumed with worry of what others were thinking, I found this incredibly freeing.
Do you go to Alanon? I find that there is the best place to discuss this type of situation. There are people there that understand it, and they are not emotionally engaged in your situation, like your family might be. It is a good place to find face-to-face support.
When I read your post, I noted how frequently you used the word "she". May I gently suggest you might find some relief if you focus on what you can control: You. When I get caught up in my AH's behaviours, past and present, I keep myself anxious. When I start to think about what I can do for ME, my anxiety decreases.
Thinking of you, your grandson and daughter.