I realized that some childhood traumas were triggered. My mother used to lock herself in her bedroom, crying and somehow she taught me how to pop the lock to her door . . .I was very young . . .I would go in, ask what was wrong and she would say, "You know damn well what is wrong." I had no clue. I would beg her to tell me and she wouldn't and she just kept crying. It was bad.
That set me up for being overly concerned about what other people think and if they are hurting, I feel responsible and want to fix it - also, with my daughter being passive-aggressive, it is just perfect . . .she won't return my calls, she won't make up with me, she is threatening (in my mind) to poison my grandson against me (well, she already does it . . .I am just afraid if I **** her off she will go full tilt . . .) so there we have my abandonment fears rearing their ugly head . . .again, going back to my mom and that one scene (that actually was pretty constant for many years) . . .
Added to that is the fact that I cannot discuss this with family members . . . she tried to triangulate by coping my other children in her response to my email . . .I did tell her in one of my responses to her response that that was "triangulating" and asked why she did it, but she will not respond . . . anyway, I also have fears that even though she is the alcoholic and the one who showed up on my doorstep drunk and left her sick dog with me last weekend, that somehow she will be able to poison the entire family against me . . .I realize this is my issue . . .it is a tough one, though.
I need some support. I can't get any in the "real" world, so I was hoping to get it here.