I'm fooling myself thinking that it will ever be ok right??
You mean drinking, ETA?
I think that's the case for nearly everyone I've ever met here, most of whom have struggled with drinking and control for years.
It never gets ok...in fact in my experience it gets worse...
The day I gave up on thinking I could ever drink 'normally' again was a huge turning point for me....I started to make progress from then on
D