kiki- thanks, its still me. i am having more clarity. i did not meet with her, i probably meant that i wondered if anythnig would have been different if i did go visit her, but hte thing is she started using again only a month in to it, so i kept putting it off. i know if i went by then that nothing would have been different.
outtolunch- i am quite accustomed to spending days with myself. i have had LONG stretches between relationships and was just fine. but ever since i met this one, i have felt this strong pull that i am now trying to break. and i got used to her or the idea of her.
i know this is the best thing for me and that i will eventually get over her. 4 days of no contact. thats about hte longesdt we have ever gone. the difference this time is that she is with a new guy, who i think of as a kid and i dont know if she is getting clean or jsut doing the same thing. i have to guess its the same thing. so now it is time for me to unravel this mess. i cannot take credit for the no contact since she has not called and i have no way of reaching her. i like to think that i would not take the calls anyway. its crazy, like why would i call her when she ran off with someone else. clearly as everyone says -she doesnt care.
the past few months have been good in that the craziness was removed from my house. i am not good at letting the people i care about go. this was differnt than any other break up. maybe its that i became so enmeshed in her life that i cant separate the two. and i just realized that i assumed that she really felt as strongly as she did. a month ago i got a text late at night saying how purely she loved me and so on. part of me questioned it, but the bigger part of me believed it. i guess she only talked about our future together becasue she had no one else to play that fantasy with. well, now she does.
i dont expect to be feeling great and happy right now but i am glad i have not sunk into a terrible depression. forward. forward. forward