anger stage

Old 08-28-2011, 11:18 AM
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anger stage

i think i need help with this one. so today i wake up uneasy and as the day goes it turns into anger. right now i have all this anger toward her. i'm angry that it is clear that i mean basically nothing to her right now and that p****s me off after all i have done for her. she is living the same life there as here and found a new victim, a younger guy who uses. anyway, it'll end up the same as everything else, unless this is the one in a million thing where two people get recovery at the same time. supposedly she is really bad with crack and shooting coke. and while i was feeling good that i am freed from the whole thing, and while i know that talking w her is about hte same as talking to my laptop, i still have all this stuff to get out and i cant. i mean, she never even told me she moved into another place friday night.

i received a call from the guy she was staying with. he said he wanted to let me know she moved and was using heavily and said i am lucky not to be around it and that as an addict he hasnt seen anyone get so crazy for 'just on more hit'. he wouldnt play her games and she started a thing with his friend who was in recovery but used to hang out with her- she'll bring him down too. so after a few days of her doing big sexual build up to ensnare him, she moved in with him. he's 26, lives with his grandparants and aunt. he supposedly was trying to get clean, has no job, not ina program, and had taken from his family. she's full blown- i cant imagine her not causing chaos there.

most of what i sais above is irrelevant in a way, but serves as the backdrop for what i am feeling. a couple days earlier she was all about how excited she was to see me and how terribly she missed me. REALLY??!!. i mean, i didnt really believe it, but i thought there was at least something behind it.

i realize that all she cares about right now is coke and the fantasy of having found the new fantasy love. same pattern over and over and over. i want to have it all out with her, but then i remember that its pointless. i can argue sense into her. but i have stuff that i'm mad about and wantot get out, but she didnt even tell me where she was. so now she's got a new bf. a guy younger than her who is also an addict. i dont want to be involved but this is what i have:

i have anger that i cannot direct at the source

i have the sense of loss and trying to learn to go on without the fantasy of her and i making it

i have to keep remembering that i did not do anything wrong. i get to thinking that i should have visited her sooner, and that because i didnt, she felt i stopped loving her. but the sad truth is she just chose to use again.

i have to not give in to these thoughts. just typing that triggered me wanting to reach to her to tell her i did not stop loving her. its hard letting this go, even though i know its best.

i have to realize that i'll get a call at some point either to tell me she found someone new or to ask for something when this doesnt work out.

i was feeling so good yesterday, but havea pit in my stomach today but i know it will pass.i jsut got to a next stage but dont know how to live it.
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Old 08-28-2011, 11:53 AM
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Why do you take these calls Steve and get the blow-by-blow of what she is doing? What purpose does it serve in your life?
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Old 08-28-2011, 11:56 AM
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Yep, as long as you continue to get news about her, the longer this drags out. Either you are done with it or you aren't.
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Old 08-28-2011, 12:43 PM
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Seriously Steve, your phone is like the central switchboard for extremely sick people.

She calls you. The people who know her call you. The people who know the people who know her call you.

Why in heaven's name do you take the calls?!

It's like a crisis hotline, I swear!
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Old 08-28-2011, 01:29 PM
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I agree and can't even elaborate on all the above posts, except for saying your pouring salt in your wound everytime you pick up your phone.

Having gone through the stages and even repeating some just recently, if you truly are at the anger stage ... then get angry!!! Re-read your posts, think about the horrible things she's done, think about why you are allowing her to do this to you. Embrace the anger & stay there for a little while, it will make it that much easier not to pick up the phone. At least that was my experience.
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Old 08-28-2011, 01:34 PM
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I agree with above.

I also believe that your ANGER is really at yourself. Angry that you kept EXPECTING 'because of ALL you did for her' to change and WANT YOU AND BE WITH YOU. I believe your ANGER is at yourself as you are now finally having an "AHA MOMENT" and 'seeing' the truth.

So once again your immediate solution is what many of us have suggested SINCE you started posting .................................................. ....

NO CONTACT

NO taking her calls. NO taking any calls that might be from one of her addict buddies. NOT opening any emails she might send, and DELETING any Text Messages also.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

And I have to say, despite your 'positive' posts of the last few weeks, NOTHING has changed.

Just as she has her drugs, SHE IS YOUR DRUG. Time to go COLD TURKEY.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-28-2011, 01:43 PM
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Either block her number amd other numbers related to her or get a new number. You are doing this to yourself, you have no bounderies and continue to nurse the fantasy that she cared about you, she didn't, she doesn't...you are/were a tool to her, she uses you, she knows that you are weak.

I am beginning to think that you are a love addict, a love addict will tolerate almost anything to avoid being left behind. You desperately try to hold onto her by using codependent behavior, such as enabling, rescuing and a high level of acceptance.

Because of your emotional immaturity you keep looking past what you know to be right. And, you do not have the skills or the experience to cope with reality.

Actually, when we cut to the chase, you are just as sick as she is, maybe sicker. You can change this, you can get better, however, this will never happen until you go and stay no contact.

You have the power to change your behavior, you have none to change hers.
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Old 08-28-2011, 06:13 PM
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Hey man, what happened to that space you had?

Remember how good you felt when you distanced yourself, even just for that short time?

Remember how you felt like there was some real, honest answers coming your way?

What do you think will happen if you REALLY had some space?

I think the drama excites you. As much as it makes you sick, it serves a purpose...And I think the purpose is because its a ride you don't want to get off just for the thrill.

You seem like a nice person, but I have to be really honest with you Steve...It really seems like this person doesn't care about you one iota.
Why are you doing this to yourself? You deserve more. So what are YOU doing?

Imagine people making phone calls about YOU....It'd be:

He had a moment of clarity..and then he threw it away, only to be sucked back in.

As an outsider I remember just leaving the boards as I needed the support less and less...when you first starting coming and I thought everyone was being hard on you. But now I see why. You have your blinders on sweetheart.
Only you can take them off.

I hope you're ready to let this go. This person may have been abused, be cracked out of their mind, have a hard time with relationships, but does any of it matter?

Why are emotionally cutting yourself over and over?

Can I ask you what happened in your life to think so little of yourself?

Thanks for sharing, as my input is, as always, words for myself. And I can see similarities in us(as everyone in recovery should look for) and it makes me want to continue my recovery even more.
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Old 08-28-2011, 06:26 PM
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Just be very glad there are no children involved.

Anger is a valid emotion. Be angry. That's ok. I find Yoga helps center me and makes me happier. It is VERY hard letting go. VERY HARD. You keep thinking they were the same sober person you once fell in love with, but they aren't. They are an addict. And being sober and rational it is soooooo hard to understand that an addict will give up anything and everything for the drug. I have read over and over what an addict is, but still will never really understand it.

Im having a hard time letting go in my own relationship. But, it is time. Babysteps. Maybe tomorrow block her number. And seriously just thank your lucky stars you didn't have kids. This woman can't love right now. Detach.

Hang in there. It isn't easy. And be angry. Acknowledge your feelings leads to healing and happiness.
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Old 08-29-2011, 09:04 AM
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thanks all. i'll start with my second big step- my phone rang, or beeped, or whatever they do, and i saw it was an out of state number. i didnt answer. 5 months ago i would have dove for the phone.

i know i have love addict stuff that makes me do what i do. i know i have issues tha make me sick too. but unlike her, i genuinely cared. like all of you too. and now I am finally opening my eyes. i am finally realizing i have needs too. and yes, i am partly mad at myself for letting it go on so long when in the end, it didnt do a thing.

i did have faith all along though. i really beleived that she had it in her ot do it. i could take one more week of it, if that helped her get help. when that time finally came, and i could see and hear the change i was hopeful. as codies do, i find blame in myself. if only i visited her. part of me says she was lonely and bored and felt i stopped caring or loving so she had nothing to hold on to. but then she started to use and i didnt want to go down to see that, plus i was afraid she would want to come back. i know that i am not to blame, but those thoughts come in, thats how it is.

i talked with those people because i knew i wasnt getting the whole truth from her. i also acknowledge that i was allowing myself to survive on scraps. but in my not well self, was satisfied just having a shred to hold on to. because that was at least something to carry with me. wherever i was or whatever i was doing, i guess i liked having the thought that there was something, however small, there. there was someone to think about.

the recent texts i received from her- i miss you miserably (just a week ago) i am so excited to see you, i am so lucky to be with you, etc etc. i was skeptical about the sincerity, but i was willing to believe it all too. i wanted to believe it.

i had read tons of stuff when i went through things with her a couple years ago. most pronounced was her being a narcissist and me being a love addict/codie. at the time i felt beter for knowing that and moved on with my life. but i guess i had not gotten over the fairy tale stuff and walked right back in to it. on my end, i guess the shreds kept me from being alone in some twisted way. what is weird is that i have been alone before for long periods of time and was fine with it. but when i put her back in my life, that changed. now it feels like something is missing when i go out w my friends or work on my yard. i guess i was living a big fantasy.

and i KNOW that 5 years from now it would not have been the relationship that we both said it would. if she was clean, it still wouldnt be right. it would be me wondering where she was at in her head. it would never provide the things that relationships are supposed to provide. yes, i am very grateful there are no kids. she wanted too at one point saying that would motivate her to get clean. i said- let the thought of it motivate you and see what happens.

so, the reality has set in. at times i will be sad or mad or glad. but i am not answering. i have to use this opportunity to change. and as i type that i feel i could be her saying the same thing. all words.


mgr asked what may have made me this way- somewhere way back i posted it, but that was over a year ago. basically i am this way because of living in a dysfunctional environment all growing up. an ogre dad who would scream and yell for hours about the smallest thing like using the wrong towel from the garage to wash a bike. the only love that came was after the session. thats just the first layer of the onion. suffice to say that by 4th or 5th grade i had an emotional void that i so badly wanted to be filled with love. but i also began building the wall then too. by teens came the move inward and my addictions. years of that laid the foundation for emotional chaos- meaning not letting some in, letting in the wrong one, etc.

tie that in with the rest of my life and here i am. too old to be going through this. neding to chane 30 some years of learned behavior. whining about a girl who likely hasnt given a thoguht toward me in some time. etc.

but, that last thing i can easily change. and i am starting there.
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Old 08-29-2011, 10:39 AM
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i will. i have come too far (even if it doesnt appear so) and dont want to go back. it is just the newness of the situation. it is coping with this really being the end. i have not felt resolute before as i do now. i jsut need to let some time pass. yes- everything was always about her. i thought because of adiction that was the way it was supposed to be but this goes beyond addiction. everything has always been on her terms. i wan to feel totally normal again and have a normal relationship with a healthy person. i'll never have that with her.
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Old 08-29-2011, 11:38 AM
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i think everyone has some sort of trigger. what i posted yesterday, was probably not so much about the sadness of things being over with her, but the sadness of not having that special person in my life. instead of striving toward finding someone good for me, i kept clinging on to a thread, all the while knowing it wouldnt support me and instead of doing somethnig, i just dangled there until she stopped paying attention to it. i think what saddened me yesterday was that the weekend should have been one of those cozy times being hunkered in for the storm. then the next day it was beautiful. instead of having a partner to wet vac the basement with all hours of the night and to chill with and listen to the storm with candles, i had nothing but what you all know i had. instead of having someone nice to spend the day with once it cleared, i had only the thoughts of getting burned really bad.

so with this comes that bit of- im 44, barely squeaking by, etc etc. despite knowing my positive qualities, can get trapped thinking its over for me. i know thats stupid and all, but that allows me to realize that if i stay where i am, it is over for me, so i need to make things change. i grew my hair really long again over the past year or so, maybe a cut will be symbolic.
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Old 08-29-2011, 12:26 PM
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steve, addiction is addiction and it'll use whatever form is available. Whatever fires up the pleasure and reward circuitry in the brain, and I remember you had your own substance abuse/addiction in the past. She provided pleasure at some point and when she stopped doing that for you, you went into withdrawals. What's happening with your therapy? Are you ready to find a support group yet?
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Old 08-29-2011, 12:46 PM
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starting with an addictions therapist and figuring what type of support group- maybe naranon again. but considering she is an ex and i am letting go- i wonder if that is the right one for me. maybe love addicts?
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Old 08-29-2011, 01:29 PM
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Hey Steve

Progress not perfection - huh?

just from my point of view - Naranon & Al-Anon is ALL for us - it really has nothing to do with what the addict, alcoholic does or doesn't do - it's all about our reactions, behaviors and attitudes - for me the important that was to just GET THERE!!!

The anger may be a good thing my friend - whether it is anger at yourself, her or the disease - for me - anger is a good motivator - helps me to know I want to change this situation.

It hurts to see how easily we can be replace but then again - now you know those answers to those questions you had - the woulda, shoulda, coulda -
nope
nada
ain't gonna happen

well at least - not right now or apparently not in the near future -

as sad as it is to say - some don't make it, Steve. That's not my wish nor prayer - it's just the cold hard facts.

My ex is sitting in jail right now - I'm not sitting in a mental jail consumed with all of his drama ~ he didn't make it in recovery; I did. I am humbly grateful and continue to pray that he will find his way. I pray that for him and for our daughters & grandchildren.
BUT I have no contact with him - it's the healthiest way for me to live Happy, Joyous and Free.

He will always try to pull me back in - that's all he knows how to do ~ I have to be the one to make the healthier choice for ME.

ok - sorry for the ramble - just encouraging you along your path - I remember what it is like to struggling and wonder if you will ever see or feel the sunshine of life again!

But you can and trust me - it's a PINKFUL world!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 08-29-2011, 03:09 PM
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Change. Your. Number.
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Old 08-30-2011, 02:24 AM
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wow! is this the same Steve?

you sound so much clearer in your post, I almost didn't recognize you!

so, you said you met with her, what did you do together while visiting?
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Old 08-30-2011, 03:31 AM
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You are 44 Steve? How many more years are you prepared to waste thinking and worrying about her? The rest of your life? Do you not think you deserve some happiness yourself?

My XH is just like you describe your dad. The raging outbursts we had to live with was terrible and I saw what it did to my son's self-esteem. The feeling that he is not lovable and therefor seeking out relationships to prove it. It is so sad. I hope you will be able to get past this and realise just how much you are worth and how much more you deserve.
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Old 08-30-2011, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by steve1840 View Post

instead of having someone nice to spend the day with once it cleared, i had only the thoughts of getting burned really bad.
Can you appreciate that you are a nice man and spending the day with yourself is good stuff?
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Old 08-30-2011, 07:58 AM
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kiki- thanks, its still me. i am having more clarity. i did not meet with her, i probably meant that i wondered if anythnig would have been different if i did go visit her, but hte thing is she started using again only a month in to it, so i kept putting it off. i know if i went by then that nothing would have been different.

outtolunch- i am quite accustomed to spending days with myself. i have had LONG stretches between relationships and was just fine. but ever since i met this one, i have felt this strong pull that i am now trying to break. and i got used to her or the idea of her.

i know this is the best thing for me and that i will eventually get over her. 4 days of no contact. thats about hte longesdt we have ever gone. the difference this time is that she is with a new guy, who i think of as a kid and i dont know if she is getting clean or jsut doing the same thing. i have to guess its the same thing. so now it is time for me to unravel this mess. i cannot take credit for the no contact since she has not called and i have no way of reaching her. i like to think that i would not take the calls anyway. its crazy, like why would i call her when she ran off with someone else. clearly as everyone says -she doesnt care.

the past few months have been good in that the craziness was removed from my house. i am not good at letting the people i care about go. this was differnt than any other break up. maybe its that i became so enmeshed in her life that i cant separate the two. and i just realized that i assumed that she really felt as strongly as she did. a month ago i got a text late at night saying how purely she loved me and so on. part of me questioned it, but the bigger part of me believed it. i guess she only talked about our future together becasue she had no one else to play that fantasy with. well, now she does.

i dont expect to be feeling great and happy right now but i am glad i have not sunk into a terrible depression. forward. forward. forward
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