thanks all. i'll start with my second big step- my phone rang, or beeped, or whatever they do, and i saw it was an out of state number. i didnt answer. 5 months ago i would have dove for the phone.
i know i have love addict stuff that makes me do what i do. i know i have issues tha make me sick too. but unlike her, i genuinely cared. like all of you too. and now I am finally opening my eyes. i am finally realizing i have needs too. and yes, i am partly mad at myself for letting it go on so long when in the end, it didnt do a thing.
i did have faith all along though. i really beleived that she had it in her ot do it. i could take one more week of it, if that helped her get help. when that time finally came, and i could see and hear the change i was hopeful. as codies do, i find blame in myself. if only i visited her. part of me says she was lonely and bored and felt i stopped caring or loving so she had nothing to hold on to. but then she started to use and i didnt want to go down to see that, plus i was afraid she would want to come back. i know that i am not to blame, but those thoughts come in, thats how it is.
i talked with those people because i knew i wasnt getting the whole truth from her. i also acknowledge that i was allowing myself to survive on scraps. but in my not well self, was satisfied just having a shred to hold on to. because that was at least something to carry with me. wherever i was or whatever i was doing, i guess i liked having the thought that there was something, however small, there. there was someone to think about.
the recent texts i received from her- i miss you miserably (just a week ago) i am so excited to see you, i am so lucky to be with you, etc etc. i was skeptical about the sincerity, but i was willing to believe it all too. i wanted to believe it.
i had read tons of stuff when i went through things with her a couple years ago. most pronounced was her being a narcissist and me being a love addict/codie. at the time i felt beter for knowing that and moved on with my life. but i guess i had not gotten over the fairy tale stuff and walked right back in to it. on my end, i guess the shreds kept me from being alone in some twisted way. what is weird is that i have been alone before for long periods of time and was fine with it. but when i put her back in my life, that changed. now it feels like something is missing when i go out w my friends or work on my yard. i guess i was living a big fantasy.
and i KNOW that 5 years from now it would not have been the relationship that we both said it would. if she was clean, it still wouldnt be right. it would be me wondering where she was at in her head. it would never provide the things that relationships are supposed to provide. yes, i am very grateful there are no kids. she wanted too at one point saying that would motivate her to get clean. i said- let the thought of it motivate you and see what happens.
so, the reality has set in. at times i will be sad or mad or glad. but i am not answering. i have to use this opportunity to change. and as i type that i feel i could be her saying the same thing. all words.
mgr asked what may have made me this way- somewhere way back i posted it, but that was over a year ago. basically i am this way because of living in a dysfunctional environment all growing up. an ogre dad who would scream and yell for hours about the smallest thing like using the wrong towel from the garage to wash a bike. the only love that came was after the session. thats just the first layer of the onion. suffice to say that by 4th or 5th grade i had an emotional void that i so badly wanted to be filled with love. but i also began building the wall then too. by teens came the move inward and my addictions. years of that laid the foundation for emotional chaos- meaning not letting some in, letting in the wrong one, etc.
tie that in with the rest of my life and here i am. too old to be going through this. neding to chane 30 some years of learned behavior. whining about a girl who likely hasnt given a thoguht toward me in some time. etc.
but, that last thing i can easily change. and i am starting there.