steve1840

i think i need help with this one. so today i wake up uneasy and as the day goes it turns into anger. right now i have all this anger toward her. i'm angry that it is clear that i mean basically nothing to her right now and that p****s me off after all i have done for her. she is living the same life there as here and found a new victim, a younger guy who uses. anyway, it'll end up the same as everything else, unless this is the one in a million thing where two people get recovery at the same time. supposedly she is really bad with crack and shooting coke. and while i was feeling good that i am freed from the whole thing, and while i know that talking w her is about hte same as talking to my laptop, i still have all this stuff to get out and i cant. i mean, she never even told me she moved into another place friday night.

i received a call from the guy she was staying with. he said he wanted to let me know she moved and was using heavily and said i am lucky not to be around it and that as an addict he hasnt seen anyone get so crazy for 'just on more hit'. he wouldnt play her games and she started a thing with his friend who was in recovery but used to hang out with her- she'll bring him down too. so after a few days of her doing big sexual build up to ensnare him, she moved in with him. he's 26, lives with his grandparants and aunt. he supposedly was trying to get clean, has no job, not ina program, and had taken from his family. she's full blown- i cant imagine her not causing chaos there.

most of what i sais above is irrelevant in a way, but serves as the backdrop for what i am feeling. a couple days earlier she was all about how excited she was to see me and how terribly she missed me. REALLY??!!. i mean, i didnt really believe it, but i thought there was at least something behind it.

i realize that all she cares about right now is coke and the fantasy of having found the new fantasy love. same pattern over and over and over. i want to have it all out with her, but then i remember that its pointless. i can argue sense into her. but i have stuff that i'm mad about and wantot get out, but she didnt even tell me where she was. so now she's got a new bf. a guy younger than her who is also an addict. i dont want to be involved but this is what i have:

i have anger that i cannot direct at the source

i have the sense of loss and trying to learn to go on without the fantasy of her and i making it

i have to keep remembering that i did not do anything wrong. i get to thinking that i should have visited her sooner, and that because i didnt, she felt i stopped loving her. but the sad truth is she just chose to use again.

i have to not give in to these thoughts. just typing that triggered me wanting to reach to her to tell her i did not stop loving her. its hard letting this go, even though i know its best.

i have to realize that i'll get a call at some point either to tell me she found someone new or to ask for something when this doesnt work out.

i was feeling so good yesterday, but havea pit in my stomach today but i know it will pass.i jsut got to a next stage but dont know how to live it.