Remember Me?
Hi There.
I don't know if some of you remember me, but I posted quite a bit on here a few months ago, during my pregnancy. You all were a wonderful help to me during a very difficult time. I now have a beautiful almost 3 month old daughter, she is the light of my life along with my other children.
My relationship with my spouse is the same, he is still making very poor choices regarding alchohol, money and most issues that require self control, stops for a while and becomes "family man", then starts again. He still does everything to the extreme and is not very stable in his moods. In fact, I am taking a chance even posting on here now, because he found out about the fact that I was posting while I was pregnant and after, and became extremely angry and upset with me. Because I was "lying", and I could not "use his computer to lie". This is why I have not posted in a long time. But now I do not really care. I need to get this stuff out, and I certainly can not talk to him.
It is soooo hard for me to be with someone that I can not talk to, be honest with, or even share my feelings with. He is hypersensitive to every little thing, every little nuance in what I say or how I say it. He will go on and on and on about "how I talk to him", and never really try to understand what it is that I am saying. My tone of voice, the way I say things, they are all the focus instead of the actual message I am trying to get across. He freaks out at any perceived criticism, anything that I may say "to make him a bad person". He gets up and storms off instead of listening, he rants and raves at me without listening, and he points out all of my faults instead of listening. I feel like I am married to a brick wall. Does anyone else have these problems?
The sad part is, I don't even know if he is capable of listening and understanding. No one has any problems, especially him. He does not have a drinking problem, he does nothing that other people do not do. I could point out all of his erratic behavior to him, and all he does is get mad at me. He makes promises that he will make things better, then turns around and gets mad at me because I am "trying to change everything about him". He has and continues to lie, cheat, and steal (I am being a bit dramatic, but this is how I feel) to get his way, and his way usually involves alcohol and doing what he wants without regard or respect to me or our children.
My husband leaves for work in the morning one person and comes back another (if he has been drinking). And he absolutely will not listen to how loud, obnoxious and hypersensitive he becomes when he has been drinking. He will fly of the handle at any little thing. And he gets obnoxious, at times puffing himself up and coming up with ideas and schemes that are ridiculous and impossible. But they sound like a good idea to him.
He is wonderful when he has not been drinking, a devoted husband, father, and fun to be around. The problem is, he does not see the personality switch.
I can see it slowly building up for days, if he does not drink for more than 3 or 4 days, I just hold my breath to see what he does. And it is so subtle. The first day it will just be a beer or two. Then he might wait another day. If not, it is full steam ahead, the next time he drinks, it will be a little more, and more lies and disrespect surrounding his behavior. It leads up to a full blowout, usually by the 3rd or 4th time, where he gets extremely loaded and does something really stupid, like spend a huge (huge to us) amount of money on what I have no idea, spends all afternoon and evening drinking and talking to people he does not know, drives like this. And there are the extreme occassions, like when he crashed the car, or did not come home until the next morning. But he will almost never apologize or admit he did anything wrong. To be in the wrong or to apologize to him is worse than death, it seems.
It is very cyclical. I can see it in him, the increased anxiety, the behavior that leads up to the blowout. He has been diagnosed as ADD and prescribed medication, but he decided that he did not need it because there is really nothing wrong with him.
Just wanted to vent, say hello again, and maybe hear from some old friends. I hope I do not get into too much trouble if I am found out again. I love my husband very much, but keeping my feelings inside (like he wants me to do) is not healthy or good for me or my children.