Remember Me?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 26
Remember Me?
Hi There.
I don't know if some of you remember me, but I posted quite a bit on here a few months ago, during my pregnancy. You all were a wonderful help to me during a very difficult time. I now have a beautiful almost 3 month old daughter, she is the light of my life along with my other children.
My relationship with my spouse is the same, he is still making very poor choices regarding alchohol, money and most issues that require self control, stops for a while and becomes "family man", then starts again. He still does everything to the extreme and is not very stable in his moods. In fact, I am taking a chance even posting on here now, because he found out about the fact that I was posting while I was pregnant and after, and became extremely angry and upset with me. Because I was "lying", and I could not "use his computer to lie". This is why I have not posted in a long time. But now I do not really care. I need to get this stuff out, and I certainly can not talk to him.
It is soooo hard for me to be with someone that I can not talk to, be honest with, or even share my feelings with. He is hypersensitive to every little thing, every little nuance in what I say or how I say it. He will go on and on and on about "how I talk to him", and never really try to understand what it is that I am saying. My tone of voice, the way I say things, they are all the focus instead of the actual message I am trying to get across. He freaks out at any perceived criticism, anything that I may say "to make him a bad person". He gets up and storms off instead of listening, he rants and raves at me without listening, and he points out all of my faults instead of listening. I feel like I am married to a brick wall. Does anyone else have these problems?
The sad part is, I don't even know if he is capable of listening and understanding. No one has any problems, especially him. He does not have a drinking problem, he does nothing that other people do not do. I could point out all of his erratic behavior to him, and all he does is get mad at me. He makes promises that he will make things better, then turns around and gets mad at me because I am "trying to change everything about him". He has and continues to lie, cheat, and steal (I am being a bit dramatic, but this is how I feel) to get his way, and his way usually involves alcohol and doing what he wants without regard or respect to me or our children.
My husband leaves for work in the morning one person and comes back another (if he has been drinking). And he absolutely will not listen to how loud, obnoxious and hypersensitive he becomes when he has been drinking. He will fly of the handle at any little thing. And he gets obnoxious, at times puffing himself up and coming up with ideas and schemes that are ridiculous and impossible. But they sound like a good idea to him.
He is wonderful when he has not been drinking, a devoted husband, father, and fun to be around. The problem is, he does not see the personality switch.
I can see it slowly building up for days, if he does not drink for more than 3 or 4 days, I just hold my breath to see what he does. And it is so subtle. The first day it will just be a beer or two. Then he might wait another day. If not, it is full steam ahead, the next time he drinks, it will be a little more, and more lies and disrespect surrounding his behavior. It leads up to a full blowout, usually by the 3rd or 4th time, where he gets extremely loaded and does something really stupid, like spend a huge (huge to us) amount of money on what I have no idea, spends all afternoon and evening drinking and talking to people he does not know, drives like this. And there are the extreme occassions, like when he crashed the car, or did not come home until the next morning. But he will almost never apologize or admit he did anything wrong. To be in the wrong or to apologize to him is worse than death, it seems.
It is very cyclical. I can see it in him, the increased anxiety, the behavior that leads up to the blowout. He has been diagnosed as ADD and prescribed medication, but he decided that he did not need it because there is really nothing wrong with him.
Just wanted to vent, say hello again, and maybe hear from some old friends. I hope I do not get into too much trouble if I am found out again. I love my husband very much, but keeping my feelings inside (like he wants me to do) is not healthy or good for me or my children.
I don't know if some of you remember me, but I posted quite a bit on here a few months ago, during my pregnancy. You all were a wonderful help to me during a very difficult time. I now have a beautiful almost 3 month old daughter, she is the light of my life along with my other children.
My relationship with my spouse is the same, he is still making very poor choices regarding alchohol, money and most issues that require self control, stops for a while and becomes "family man", then starts again. He still does everything to the extreme and is not very stable in his moods. In fact, I am taking a chance even posting on here now, because he found out about the fact that I was posting while I was pregnant and after, and became extremely angry and upset with me. Because I was "lying", and I could not "use his computer to lie". This is why I have not posted in a long time. But now I do not really care. I need to get this stuff out, and I certainly can not talk to him.
It is soooo hard for me to be with someone that I can not talk to, be honest with, or even share my feelings with. He is hypersensitive to every little thing, every little nuance in what I say or how I say it. He will go on and on and on about "how I talk to him", and never really try to understand what it is that I am saying. My tone of voice, the way I say things, they are all the focus instead of the actual message I am trying to get across. He freaks out at any perceived criticism, anything that I may say "to make him a bad person". He gets up and storms off instead of listening, he rants and raves at me without listening, and he points out all of my faults instead of listening. I feel like I am married to a brick wall. Does anyone else have these problems?
The sad part is, I don't even know if he is capable of listening and understanding. No one has any problems, especially him. He does not have a drinking problem, he does nothing that other people do not do. I could point out all of his erratic behavior to him, and all he does is get mad at me. He makes promises that he will make things better, then turns around and gets mad at me because I am "trying to change everything about him". He has and continues to lie, cheat, and steal (I am being a bit dramatic, but this is how I feel) to get his way, and his way usually involves alcohol and doing what he wants without regard or respect to me or our children.
My husband leaves for work in the morning one person and comes back another (if he has been drinking). And he absolutely will not listen to how loud, obnoxious and hypersensitive he becomes when he has been drinking. He will fly of the handle at any little thing. And he gets obnoxious, at times puffing himself up and coming up with ideas and schemes that are ridiculous and impossible. But they sound like a good idea to him.
He is wonderful when he has not been drinking, a devoted husband, father, and fun to be around. The problem is, he does not see the personality switch.
I can see it slowly building up for days, if he does not drink for more than 3 or 4 days, I just hold my breath to see what he does. And it is so subtle. The first day it will just be a beer or two. Then he might wait another day. If not, it is full steam ahead, the next time he drinks, it will be a little more, and more lies and disrespect surrounding his behavior. It leads up to a full blowout, usually by the 3rd or 4th time, where he gets extremely loaded and does something really stupid, like spend a huge (huge to us) amount of money on what I have no idea, spends all afternoon and evening drinking and talking to people he does not know, drives like this. And there are the extreme occassions, like when he crashed the car, or did not come home until the next morning. But he will almost never apologize or admit he did anything wrong. To be in the wrong or to apologize to him is worse than death, it seems.
It is very cyclical. I can see it in him, the increased anxiety, the behavior that leads up to the blowout. He has been diagnosed as ADD and prescribed medication, but he decided that he did not need it because there is really nothing wrong with him.
Just wanted to vent, say hello again, and maybe hear from some old friends. I hope I do not get into too much trouble if I am found out again. I love my husband very much, but keeping my feelings inside (like he wants me to do) is not healthy or good for me or my children.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
((((((((2ndbest)))))))
It is good to hear from you! Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl!
It is so hard being around our substance abusers because they aren't rational, they can't be reasoned with, and they blame everything on everyone else. It's tiring and it's so frustrating that they can't see how obnoxious they're being. You definitely aren't alone with what you're going through.
You definitely can't keep it inside either. That's why coming here and going to meetings is so helpful, so we can talk about this stuff. But I do know going to meetings is hard with a newborn. Try to come here as often as you can or try keeping a journal too.
Hugs,
JG
It is good to hear from you! Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl!
It is so hard being around our substance abusers because they aren't rational, they can't be reasoned with, and they blame everything on everyone else. It's tiring and it's so frustrating that they can't see how obnoxious they're being. You definitely aren't alone with what you're going through.
You definitely can't keep it inside either. That's why coming here and going to meetings is so helpful, so we can talk about this stuff. But I do know going to meetings is hard with a newborn. Try to come here as often as you can or try keeping a journal too.
Hugs,
JG
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
secondbest - welcome back - i don't think i was around when you were first here. you do need to get it out and i think part of my problems were not doing that for so long. al-anon and this forum has helped - we can "let our hair down" and tell it like it is cuz everybody here understands!
hope you can continue to come back
hugs - cwohio
hope you can continue to come back
hugs - cwohio
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
HEY ((((BEST))))-
Welcome back!!! I remember you and have wondered how you are doing. Congrats on your new baby girl. I hope you can try to make it to some alanon meetings in your area. They only last an hour. Maybe you could find a babysitter for that short of time. I think you need some face to face support. But, do keep coming back here and posting cause we really do care about you...... Take care of you sweetie
s
Welcome back!!! I remember you and have wondered how you are doing. Congrats on your new baby girl. I hope you can try to make it to some alanon meetings in your area. They only last an hour. Maybe you could find a babysitter for that short of time. I think you need some face to face support. But, do keep coming back here and posting cause we really do care about you...... Take care of you sweetie
s
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: somewhere safe
Posts: 103
Hi Secondbest - You asked if anyone else has these same problems? You actually could be writing my story and I am sure many here would agree. I think that most of their posturing is as a result of their immaturity, fear of failure and a bunch of other insecurities. To mask it all, they strut about, blame others and drink. Pretty difficult to have a relationship with someone who chooses to be present only when its convenient for them. I'm choosing to detach by witnessing his behavior as that of a small child since it is childish behavior. Really hard though to switch over to viewing him as a life partner when he does decide to be an adult.
I do know that I deserve better than a part-time husband. We all do. Best wishes on your new daugher. Rejoice.
I do know that I deserve better than a part-time husband. We all do. Best wishes on your new daugher. Rejoice.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
2ndbest, I have thought of you often and wondered how you were doing? I'm glad you're back to let it all out. It's not easy or healthy to keep it all inside. SR is my sounding board. I don't post a whole lot but when I need to vent everyone is always here for me. As far as talking to a brick wall, my A b/f must be made of concrete. He's a wonderful man in a lot of other ways but he is so frustrating to talk to -drinking or sober-. Congratulations on the baby girl.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hey 2ndbest,
CONGRATULATIONS! I hope you are enjoying new motherhood.
Alcoholics are some of the most hard headed people I have ever seen. It wears me down occasionally, but most of the time I can shake my head and sigh. It has taken a lot of support and a willingness to change, but I have actually been able to get off the merry-go-round. He grumps and moans and complains. It's all someone else's fault, and when I don't "ride" with him it becomes my fault. Sometimes it's like I live in a mental institution. I am truly grateful that I was able to reach out and connect with some sanity and peace. I am glad you are back. This place has been an important part of my ability to stay sane and connected. Don't be a stranger. Hugs, Magic
CONGRATULATIONS! I hope you are enjoying new motherhood.
Alcoholics are some of the most hard headed people I have ever seen. It wears me down occasionally, but most of the time I can shake my head and sigh. It has taken a lot of support and a willingness to change, but I have actually been able to get off the merry-go-round. He grumps and moans and complains. It's all someone else's fault, and when I don't "ride" with him it becomes my fault. Sometimes it's like I live in a mental institution. I am truly grateful that I was able to reach out and connect with some sanity and peace. I am glad you are back. This place has been an important part of my ability to stay sane and connected. Don't be a stranger. Hugs, Magic
Responsible Girl
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Toledo, OH
Posts: 32
Wow, I think we can all relate to the feelings you're having. This weekend, my A didn't drink at all- and we had a really nice weekend. I started my kickboxing class on Monday night, a start to get back in shape and feel better- and he was to pick up the kids from my parents' house within a half an hour. An hour and a half later I came home to an empty house, went to my parents', got the kids, and called his cell, which of course he did not answer, and went about making dinner for everybody. 11:15 that night he calls, drunk, saying he needs me to get him $20 for gas for the morning... I have no way of getting $, bank account is negative, can't write a check for over anywhere, and it's his fault he has no gas, and his dumba** should have come home to get the kids instead of running around and don't bother me again. Of course, that made me "good for nothing" and I can't stand myself and I have no friends and that's why I'm such a horrible person to him. Needless to say he slept in his truck in the driveway that night. Anyway, I can sooooo relate. And I can only hope it gets better for the lot of us. Hang in there, and congratulations on the new baby...
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